Page 6 of The Meaning Of You

A single tear rolled down her cheek and I had no words to offer. An ocean of guilt waiting and all I had to do was jump. Because Lizzie was right. Daviswouldhate this. What’s more, he’d be so disappointed I’d let it go on as long as I had. We’d talked many times about what we wanted to happen if either one of us ended up like this. Davis had been clear. He’d made a living will. No heroic efforts for him. He wanted to be let go.

I reached across Davis’s legs and squeezed Lizzie’s hand. “He thought the world of you, Lizzie.” Past tense that time, and Lizzie shot me a look that said everything about the gut-wrenching trap we lived every day. “Just like I do,” I added.

Her eyes softened and she returned the squeeze. “Thank you.”

Davis grunted, drawing my attention to his face, but it was just a grunt like they all were. The sight of him lying there still ripped the air from my lungs as it always did. The man I’d loved, still loved, did love, was in love with—who the hell knew whatthe right words were? My beautiful Davis, his mind and soul locked in a useless body that if there were truly a merciful God, would’ve given up its hold on him eighteen months before.

A quiet knock broke the awkward silence and a male nurse entered the room. “Sorry to interrupt, but I need to change Davis’s enteral nutrition.” Tobin held up a bag that plugged into Davis’s nasogastric tube. All the nurses were good at Golden Oaks, but Tobin was one of the friendlier ones. He’d only been working there for six months but I found myself liking the guy, a surprise in itself. Maybe because he always went the extra mile whenever I wanted something adjusted in Davis’s care. Maybe because he always took the time to stop and chat. Whatever it was, I had a soft spot for the guy.

“You go ahead.” I stood and pushed my chair back so Tobin could reach the IV. “How’s your mum?” I asked, knowing his mother had recently undergone surgery to remove her gallbladder.

He grinned. “She’s complaining about nearly everything again, so I guess that means she’s almost back to normal. We drive each other nuts but I love her to bits.”

I chuckled. “Enjoy it. Not everyone’s so lucky.”

Tobin finished hanging the new bag, then laid a gentle hand on Davis’s shoulder. The gesture sent something flopping in my belly. It was the weirdest thing, knowing that in many ways, the staff were more familiar with Davis’s body now than I was.

“He’s been a bit chesty this last week but we’re working on it.” Tobin adjusted Davis’s pillow. “We’ve upped his fluids to loosen things up and it seems to be helping. We’ll have to wait and see.”

I shot Lizzie a look, which she returned. These once simple treatment decisions had become fraught with complicated feelings. “I hear the doc saw him today?”

Tobin nodded. “Nothing new. Just the fluids thing. Anyway, I better crack on. See you next time, Nick.” He turned to look at Lizzie. “You’re looking lovely today, by the way.”

Lizzie blushed and waved him off. “Get away with you.”

When the door closed, Lizzie caught my eye. “We’ve been lucky with the staff.”

“I know.” I glanced toward the door. “You hear horror stories, right?”

She sighed. “You do, but I knew you’d do your due diligence and then some.” She arched a brow. “You love him far too much to risk anything less than the best care.”

Present tense again.

I didn’t know what to say to that, so I simply retook my seat.

Lizzie eyed me from across the bed. “I don’t know if I ever told you this, but Davis once told me that he’d never loved anyone as much as he loved you. Didn’t think it was even possible.”

Pain sliced through my chest, and I closed my eyes for a few seconds just to absorb her words. They meant everything to my starving heart, especially since Davis had been married before and was still friends with his ex-wife Maggie.

“I feel the same,” I whispered, taking Davis’s hand once again. “He was a goddammed miracle.”

I brushed a lank lock of hair from those beautiful sightless eyes. They didn’t always stare at the wall. Sometimes they moved. Sometimes they even seemed to track me across the room. In the early days, that had given me hope, but I now knew those Jedi mind tricks for what they were. Knew how their lies ate at that hope until it was nothing but an empty prayer, worth less than the breath that carried it.

Because the unremitting truth was that Davis hadn’t voluntarily or consciously moved a muscle since the day of theaccident. The broken leg and cracked ribs had healed quickly. The massive head injury hadn’t.

One month in the ICU in an induced coma and more scans than I’d known were possible, we’d maintained hope regardless of the sombre faces of the medical team. An induced coma meant no wakefulness and no awareness. It came with the territory. You couldn’t judge anything by that. The following month had been the real test. Davis remained on life support, but they pulled back the drugs and let himcome around.

That’swhen we knew.

Davis ‘woke’ but his awareness never returned. Zero cognitive function. The lights came on but there was no one home. At the end of an exhaustive run of tests, endless discussions with various medical teams, and more boxes to tick than I’d ever believed possible, the decision was made to take him off life support and simply see what happened. Because his brain stem appeared relatively intact, it was expected he might breathe on his own. But there was also a chance he wouldn’t or that it wouldn’t last long. If that happened, noheroicactions were to be taken.

It was the hardest decision I’d ever made, but we did it as a family, his mother and brother included. It was the right thing to do. It was what Davis would have wanted. But little did we know that removing life support and watching Davis die wasn’t even close to the worst outcome.

This—I studied Davis’s beautiful slack face—thiswas the worst possible outcome and I’d never seen it coming.Thiswas the ‘life’ Davis categorically didn’t want to have.

Eighteen months since the accident and he’d never regained awareness. Medical opinion was, he never would. It was an existence Davis didn’t deserve. An endless nightmare of... nothing. Trapped in a living purgatory where his relatively healthy body was his worst enemy.

Life in its barest form.

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