Page 34 of The Meaning Of You

My ears pricked up and not in a good way. “Meaning?”

He gave a soft snort. “Don’t worry. I’m not talking about topping myself.”

“I didn’t say?—”

“But you were thinking it,” he called me out.

And he was right. “Maybe, but I’m not going to apologise for checking in. Friends remember?”

“I remember. But I only meant that I’m tired. So damn tired. All day, every day. The last eighteen months or so have ripped me apart. I feel like a shell of the person I used to be. I barely recognise myself anymore. If I’m really honest, Ineverexpected to have a long-term relationship in my life, let alone a marriage. Davis was the first guy I’d stayed with longer than a few months. I don’t have much time for people on the whole.”

I couldn’t resist. “Colour me shocked.”

“Yeah, yeah.” He sounded amused. “But Davis was different. He never took my rudeness seriously and rarely took offence. He simply got me, on so many levels. The closest damn thingto a unicorn I’ve ever met. And then he goes and fucking dies—” His voice cracked and he sucked in a stuttering breath. “It sounds really bad to admit, but every now and then I wonder if it wouldn’t have been easier if I’d never even met Davis. Then I wouldn’t have to know what it feels like to miss him. To have this huge gaping hole in my life.”

My heart crumbled but I knew Nick hadn’t called me for platitudes or sympathy. “Of course it would’ve been easier,” I agreed, turning to face the phone, a welcome draft of cool air brushing my side and back. “It’s always easier not to feel, don’t you think? To walk through life and not have to think about anyone else? Especially for someone as—” I struggled for the right word. “—resoluteas you are.”

He barked out a laugh. “You mean pigheaded and narcissistic.”

“Imeanself-contained and resolute.” I smiled into the dark. “But I think people walk into our lives for a reason. That for good or bad, they have something to teach us. Aren’t you a better man because of Davis?”

The silence felt heavier this time, a weight of emotion filling the space between us. I let it be, tempting though it was to fill the void. And when Nick’s answer finally came, it was little more than a whisper carried on the sticky night air. “Yes, a much better man.”

I waited, sensing there was more.

“I didn’t deserve him,” he added.

I huffed. “He probably thought the same.”

“Then he would’ve been wrong,” Nick argued in a thin voice. “I was lucky, Madigan. I don’t expect to be lucky again. That’s too much good for one man. But enough about my sad story. By now, you know almost everything there is to know about that. I want to learn more about you. You’ve never really talkedaboutyourrelationships other than me overhearing your aunt instructing you to get yourself a boyfriend.”

I snorted. “A stellar moment, as I recall.”

He laughed. “Indeed. Now stop deflecting and start talking. There must be a few exes in the vault.”

“One or two,” I admitted. “Most with a bit more longevity than yours.”

“How long?” he pressed.

“Two years was the longest.”

“Huh,” he said, sounding surprised. “I’m impressed.”

I wasn’t sure whether to be insulted or not. “Well, you shouldn’t be.” I let him off. “They all ended in the same embarrassing way. The consensus is, I’m a bit of a boring homebody. That I need to get a life. Men have dipped their toes in the water but baulked at the swimming part, let alone building a pool together.”

He didn’t laugh. “Do you regret it?”

“Regret what?”

“Not getting married? Family? The whole white-picket-fence thing?”

I wanted to tell him no. I wanted to say that I was perfectly content with my life. That I chose every part of where I ended up. But instead, I said, “Sometimes. Sure. Last night, for instance. Most holidays if I’m being honest. But that doesn’t mean I’m not happy with my life.”

There was the slightest hesitation. “Of course it doesn’t.”

“I’ve been luckier than most. I grew up with parents who loved me and a brother who’s still my best friend even though he now lives in Australia. Mum and Dad were killed in a glider accident about ten years ago. Dad was an excellent pilot, and he was taking Mum for a ride when the weather conditions changed unexpectedly and they were blown off course over unlandable terrain. The glider went down and that was that.”

“Jesus.” Nick drew a sharp breath. “I’m so sorry.”

---