Page 53 of Sass

“But Ithinkthat maybe he’s right. If nothing else, it might help me navigate this gulf between me and my family. I don’t want to hurt anyone or create something I can’t undo.”

Chris dropped his hand to rest over my heart. “Those sound like very good reasons.”

I rolled over in his arms to face him and pressed a kiss to those plush lips. “And you don’t sound like a stranger to the idea, either.” I left it at that, and those green eyes narrowed on me.

But then his expression softened. “Everyone suffers at some stage, right?” He cradled my face and stroked my cheek with his thumb. “Guilt is a bitch of a mistress and pain of any kind is a great distraction, right? Sometimes it’s hard to give it up. We’re all in this strange life, together, trying to make sense of it all. You said the family meeting is tonight?”

My turn to narrow my eyes. “I see what you did there, but it’ll keep.”

Chris batted his lashes. “I’ve no idea what you mean. Back to the question.”

“I’m not going,” I huffed. “I feel like one spark and I’ll detonate. None of them deserve that. I’ll talk eventually, but I’m not ready. Part of me is still stunned that we’re in this stalemate at all. I thought we were on the same page. Then I find they’ve been doing it just for me the past couple of years, and I have no idea what to do with that. Nobody blames me, they never did, but I spent a long time blaming myself. And yes, I realise that maybe I still am. I’m not ignorant of how the psychology works, you know. I just don’t know how to change it.”

Chris poked his finger into my chest. “And does any of that have anything to do with your urge to settle down? Provide grandchildren for your parents? Mend your wicked whoring ways?”

I laughed, which was a miracle in itself, but I couldn’t deny he’d struck a chord. “Arsehole. But maybe, yes, I can see that, although everything I told you before still stands. Idowant something different for me as well. It’s time.”

Chris was quiet for a long moment before he spoke. “Well, if your family is anything like you, I’m sure you’ll find a way to make it work. It sounds like there’s enough love between you all to handle any hurt that might eventuate, and that’s pretty damn special. Don’t take it for granted.” His wistful tone gave me pause, but his glistening eyes tore at my heart.

“Hey, there.” I cupped his face and kissed each eyelid in turn, before cradling his head against my chest. “I’m sorry,” I whispered into his hair. “You just looked...” I didn’t finish.

Chris remained quiet, all except for the in-and-out wash of his hot breath across my nipple. Then he slid an arm around my waist, burrowed against me and murmured, “Thank you.”

It was the only encouragement I needed to envelop him slowly, gently, like you would a nervous animal, one hand finding the small of his back, the other, his head. The distant hum of Sunday traffic floated through the room and over our still bodies, a splash of late morning sunlight spilling across Chris’s lean leg to dust his red-blond hairs with gold.

“Is the angel on your chest for Caitlyn?” His finger drew small circles down my spine, letting me know he was still awake, still present to whatever we were doing.

“No, that one’s not hers.” I didn’t offer more, and Chris didn’t ask, and my hand found its home, caressing his back with soft sweeps up and down, shoulder to hip to thigh, and back up again, every small hum of his pleasure elicited, a treasure to store away.

Whatever the fuck we were doing, this wasn’t casual sex, or a hook-up, or whatever else Chris wanted to call it. In all my experience of those, which was legion, this level of intimacy didn’t happen.

I knew exactly whyIwas there, because I wanted more with this complicated man, and I’d take whatever scraps of affection he was willing to throw my way. But none of that explained whyChriswas still there in my arms, letting me hold him, letting me see his tears, more open than I’d ever seen him. None of that gelled with all his rules and warnings.

Chris was everything I’d vowed to stay away from, and yet somehow, he fit.Wefit. I just needed to convince him of that. Convince him to at least try. And that troublesome spark of hope rallied again, making me brave.

“So, are your family local?” I ventured, keen to move the focus off me and learn a little more about Chris and maybe why he’d gone so quiet. But as soon as I asked, he tensed, and his ensuing silence spoke volumes.

“Sorry. Forget it.” I kissed his head. “This doesn’t have to be show and tell on both sides.”

His hands stilled and he said nothing for a long time, long enough for me to wonder if he’d actually fallen asleep. But when I angled my head to check, he immediately tugged me back into place, hiding his face. Message received, and I wrapped him up tight. If that’s what Chris needed from me, then that’s exactly what he’d get.

He lay quiet in my arms for another few minutes, although I could almost hear the cogs spinning in his brain. Whatever it was about, whatever had him on edge, I was pretty sure he wasn’t going to tell me.

But then he turned his head to the side and sucked in a broken breath, and it was my turn to tense.

“My family isn’t like yours,” he began, so quietly I had to strain to catch the words. “But yes, they’re local. Unfortunately,” he added with such profound disgust that I pulled back to check on him. “Don’t.” He pulled me close again. “It’s... easier like this.”

I did as he asked, not liking where this was going.

He hesitated, taking another stuttering breath that told me he didn’t often talk about whatever this was. I stilled the million questions on my tongue and waited him out.

He snuggled down, his grip tightening around my waist. “We lived in Tauranga until I was about fourteen. Then we moved up here with my dad’s job. But my mother was actually born in Auckland, and she still had family here—two married sisters and a brother. It was kind of nice having my cousins close by for the first time. We got on pretty well, which was a bonus since I didn’t really fit in at school. Too mouthy, too fabulous, too... questionable in my sexuality for most of my peers.” He rolled his eyes. “I did have one friend, another gay kid, Jared. But I would never have introduced him to my parents. It would’ve invited way too many questions about me.” He gave a hollow chuckle.

“Anyway, Mum had a brother, James, who managed a poultry farm just west of Auckland, and we saw a lot of him after we moved. I really liked him. He was single and always coming around for dinner or to watch the rugby with Dad and my older brother, George, and I would often spend a Saturday with him on the farm. There was a river with a deep swimming hole on the property and we had some of the best times just chilling out and mucking around. James had this cool collection of video games that George loved, but I enjoyed trailing around after James and helping out. I got to do all kinds of neat stuff that Mum and Dad would’ve flipped their lids about. And it’s where George and I both learned to ride a motorbike.” His mouth quirked up.

“You can ride?” I asked, not hiding my shock.

His smirk grew. “Mm-hmm. James had an old farm bike that he taught us on, but he also had a Harley Fatboy in the shed that he took out on weekends. So, yes, I like bikes and yes, I know you have a Harley and not a Honda. Sorry, not sorry.”

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