Page 24 of Sass

“Yes, you should have,” she scolded, but her tone was soft. “You’ve been sulking long enough. I know you have strong feelings about Caitlyn’s day, but hiding away and refusing to talk isn’t helping anything.”

“I amnothiding away.” I totally was. “And I did talk, to Kevin...” I trailed off.

“Yes, toKevin,” she repeated, making sure I understood exactly how pissed she was that I hadn’t talked to them. “And from what I understand, that was more shouting than discussion.”

Someone had ratted. “Okay, so maybe I should’ve come to you as well.”

“Ya think?”

Silence filled the space between us. We’d always been close, especially since Caitlyn had gone, and I felt my mother’s hurt and frustration.

“I’m sorry, okay? I don’t know how to do this, Mum,” I admitted. “I get what you’re all saying, but I still miss her so fucking much.” I swallowed around the lump in my throat that threatened to choke me. “It feels like she’s dropping into the background, you know? Like it’s all okay now and we can just get on with our lives.”

My mother gasped, the sting of my words hitting home. “Like it’s all... okay? Can you even hear yourself?”

Shit.“I don’t mean it like that,” I rushed to explain. “I’m just not ready to stop raging about it, I suppose. I don’t want to feel better about her not being here. But that doesn’t mean I’m notmoving on with my life.”Doesn’t it?“I give myself permission on that one day a year to really feel it, that gaping fucking hole in my heart.” And to get drunk and rail at myself and everyone else. Jesus, no wonder they’d had enough. I breathed a broken sigh. “I’m sorry, Mum.”

“Don’t be.” Her voice was soft and thick with tears. “You two had something special. I get that. Weallget that. But maybe if you have to give yourself permission, then that says something in itself. Wouldn’t it be better to work through those feelings with someone, and not bottle them up?”

“You’ve been talking to Kevin.”

She sighed. “He’s concerned. We all are. But that’s for you to decide. All I’m saying is that what’s right for you at this point, isn’t necessarily what’s right for the others. It was bound to happen, son.”

“And Dad?”

She was quiet a minute. “Your father keeps things close to his chest, you know that. But yes, he wants to do it differently as well.”

I digested that bombshell and the sense of aloneness that went along with it. “So, it reallyisjust me.”

“That doesn’t make it wrong, on either side. Everyone grieves at their own pace. Come and talk about it, Sunday night. The others will be there and Evie’s going to Zoom. We’re a family. We need to work this out together.”

I shook my head even though she couldn’t see it. “I... can’t. It’s just not a good idea. I meant what I said to Kevin. I can live with you guys doing something different, but if I have to be part of the discussion, I’ll only get angry and fuck things up for everyone. So, I’m going to keep doing whatIneed to on Caitlyn’s anniversary. You guys let me know what you’re doing, and maybe I’ll come over later on the day.”

Silence.

I waited, drowning in guilt, no matter what I did.

“All right then.” There was no hiding the choke to my mother’s voice. “But if you change your mind, the offer stands. We want you to be there, but we understand that this is hard for you. But we’re going to talk, and I won’t take no for an answer.”

“Mum, I don’t want to argue—”

“We won’t,” she assured me. “I promise. We just want to give our son a hug and talk face to face, is that okay?”

Said every mother everywhere before they nailed your balls to the wall. I closed my eyes and hung my head. “Fine. How about Saturday, a week from now? I’ll make us lunch, at the flat.”

In my mind’s eye, I saw that broad familiar smile sweep over my mother’s face. It had been a constant most of my life, a safe, warm, soft place to fall and I hated that I was causing her any worry.

“That sounds like a plan. Saturday week it is. But promise me you’ll call if you want to talk before then?”

“I promise.”

“Good. And Leon?”

“Yeah?”

“Caitlyn loved you so very much. She would never want you to blame yourself. Just remember that. See you next week.”

The denial sat sour on my tongue and so I said nothing. She ended the call and I stared at the black screen and wondered why I couldn’t just give them what they wanted. What was wrong with me? Why was everyone else ready to move on and I was still stuck wanting to burn the world?

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