Page 59 of Flare

“When I was seventeen, a friend and I sneaked into the hottest new gay club in town, Geranium, as it was known back then. We were so fucking excited. I’d sewn our outfits on Mum’s machine, and even if I say so myself, we looked pretty damn cute. Too cute, probably. And we shouldn’t have got in. But the bouncer liked the look of us and pulled us from the line.” I tugged a Kleenex from the box and Beck rested a warm, reassuring hand back on my knee.

“Is this okay?”

I nodded, surprised that it actually was.

“Long story short, we had a couple of drinks and then went onto the dancefloor and a couple of guys approached us. They flirted and talked us up, and we were just so flattered, you know. We were seventeen, out and proud in an actual gay bar, guys admiring us, wanting to dance with us—every gay teen’s dream, right?” I willed him to understand.

He leaned forward, concern mounting in his expression. “I take it things didn’t go well.”

“You might say that. Toby and I split up to dance with them and got separated. My guy bought me another drink and I don’t remember much after that. Flashes, snippets of conversation, feelings more than anything.”

Beck’s mouth fell open. “You were drugged?”

I pulled more Kleenex from the box, balling them in my fist. “I wasn’t tested or anything after, but it’s the only explanation. Toby was okay, other than being pretty tipsy. His partner disappeared on him not long after we were separated. We wondered after if it was because Toby was a lot bigger than me. He came looking, but it took him a while to find me. They’d taken me to an accessible bathroom.”

“They? You mean both of them?” Beck had a death grip on my knee, looking about ready to murder someone. “Those bastards.”

“Yeah, I, um... fuck.” I squeezed shut my eyes and took a few breaths.

“Jesus, Rhys.” Beck pulled his chair closer until our knees touched. Then he brushed his thumb across my damp cheek. “Can I hold your hand?”

I nodded and his warm grip grounded me.

“Long story short, Toby eventually found me and got us home in a taxi. At first, he had no clue what actually happened. He thought I’d had too much to drink, thrown up and passed out. But as soon as I came around, I... knew.” I couldn’t look at him, focusing on our joined hands instead. “I wasn’t a virgin, so I knew I’d been fucked. And I had dried come in the corners of my mouth and up my fucking nose, so there was that.”

“Jesus Christ, Rhys.” Beck ran a soothing hand up and down my arm.

I risked looking up. “The worst part is not having any real memory of it.” The words spilt from my mouth for the first time in years. “Not knowing exactly what they did to me.”

Beck went still. “It must’ve been terrifying.”

“It was. Trying to piece things together was like reading a book through thick fog. My body told me something had happened, but my brain had none of the dirty little details. I didn’t even know if they’d used a condom. I had to get tested. And for some ridiculous reason, the idea that they laughed at me, at how stupid I was, haunted me for years. I’ve got all these vague images but no story to put together.”

“Jesus, what a nightmare.” Beck lifted my knuckles to his lips. “Did you tell anyone?”

“Not at first. Toby wanted to, but I wouldn’t let him. I figured it was my own fault for sneaking in and I didn’t want to confess all that to my parents. I felt stupid... and dirty. Plus, I couldn’t remember anything about the guys or what happened, and Toby was so drunk he wasn’t much better. I know we should’ve reported it. I know that now. Someone might’ve seen something or been able to give a name or a description. Maybe they’d done it before. And it will always haunt me that maybe we could’ve stopped them hurting someone else. But we were kids and I just wanted it to go away.”

Beck squeezed my hands. “Of course you did. Who wouldn’t?”

“Apparently, it’s not uncommon to take a long time to talk about it, sometimes decades, especially for men. But I think it’s why Toby and I drifted apart. The next year he went to university down south and I haven’t seen him since.” My gaze slid out the window to a group of students sitting on a rock wall and laughing in the watery winter sun.

“Hunter was the first person I told, six months later. He tried to make me go to the police even then, but I wouldn’t, and it took five years to finally tell Mum and Dad. Mostly because I knew they’d be hurt that I hadn’t trusted them sooner. But fuck, I didn’t trust myself. I was a mess.”

“They hadn’t noticed anything?”

I choked on a laugh. “Have you met my mother? Oh yeah. They knewsomethingwas up. Mum even took me to the doctor. She thought I might be getting bullied at school, and I was happy to let her go down that line. When I finally did tell them, well, you can imagine.”

He said nothing, just kept hold of my hands, his warm knees wrapped either side of mine.

“I pretended that I was okay. I was even able to go back to a club after a few years. I get that some people can’t, but for me it felt like a huge fuck you to those bastards.” I glanced up and let those calm pools of hazel pour into me. “Although sometimes I catch myself studying people and wondering, was it you? But that thinking can seriously fuck you up and I try not to let myself go there.”

Beck squeezed my fingers and brought them to his lips. “Jesus, you’re breaking my heart here.”

I shrugged. “They’re still not my favourite places, but if Hunter’s watching my back, I’m mostly okay. And it’s the easiest place to hook up without any entanglements or... explanations. I discovered that as long as I kept things simple, topped and stayed in charge, things went okay. I won’t use hook-up apps and so I mostly make do with my hand, but every now and then you need... someone real, you know?”

Beck released my hands to cradle my face instead. “I know. And I think you’re so fucking brave.” He thumbed the tears that painted my face, but I shrugged him away, needing to finish. If we were going to try something together, he needed to know everything so there’d be no mistake.

“Did you talk to anyone professionally?” He watched me carefully but there was no judgement.

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