Page 28 of Like It's 1999

“You were a little busy.”

“I guess.” She frowns. “So how is that responsible for you getting married?”

I shake my head. “He kind of broke me.”

When I don’t go on, she shifts away to lean against the headboard. “’Splain.”

I lie down and talk to the ceiling. “When I had sex with guys before Steve, most of the time it was good, in an athletic kind of way. Like, it felt good. It was easy. It was good for tension relief, it was fun, it was… an adventure. Every guy was different, and that was a good thing.”

“Okay.”

“Well, Steve was more… complicated. Especially the second time, after your wedding. By that point I really liked him, liked hanging out with him. We were buds.” I shake my head. “But even the first time, it was different. It was like he got me in this cosmic, woo-woo way. Like he knew me inside and out. And the second time, it was… intimate, I guess. It kind of freaked me out. Actually, it freaked me out a lot.”

“So you ran.”

“Well, my mom got sick. But yeah, I ran.”

“You dummy.” She nudges me with her foot. “And now Steve’s engaged.”

“I heard.” I sigh. “We never would’ve worked anyway.”

“You never know.”

“And now I never will.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” I heave out a breath, empty of emotion for the time being. “Anyway, thanks for listening.” I notice that there’s no baby in her arms. When I left the kitchen to come up here, both kids were crying and Will was grouchy. “Where is everybody?”

“Asleep,” she whispers. “Billy passed out before he even finished nursing, so I left him in the bassinet. Last I saw Will and Imogen, they were snoring in tandem on her bed.”

I catch her looking around the room—the place Billyshouldbe sleeping. Every surface is covered with my crap. “Sorry. It must be a pain to have to do all the baby stuff in your bedroom.”

She waves that down and flops on the bed. “Nah. I was just thinking that this reminds me of our dorm room.”

I take a deep breath, blow it out, and then just spit it out. “I don’t want to go back to Atlanta.”

She shrugs. “So don’t. Stay a while.”

I’m not sure I can be a fifth wheel in their happy caravan for too long, but I don’t relish returning to my cold, empty McMansion where my first task will be to find a divorce lawyer.

Kate sits up. “Please? Will starts rehearsals tomorrow and will be gone all day. I have the week off.” She leans in closer and sing-songs, “You know you want to.”

“Are you sure I won’t be in the way?”

She waves that down. “Not at all. Billy hasn’t moved in here yet because it’s easier to have him next to our bed. Will’s mom was here for Christmas. Believe me, you’ve been a much easier guest than she was.”

I slump back into the chair. Maybe I shouldn’t go back until I have a plan. “Okay. Let me call the airline. Maybe I can change my flight.”

Kate jumps to her feet, bouncing up and down. “Can we go for a run when you’re done? Before everybody wakes up?”

A real smile takes over my face. “You’re on.”

The next day, Kate and I take the kids over to Deb and Pam’s. They have a new baby too—it’s like the universe is testing me on this baby thing—so we sit around their living room and drink coffee while the little ones roll around on the floor and the bigger kids play nearby. My grief is simmering below the surface, but Deb and Pam’s playful nagging at each other is so entertaining that I find I’m laughing hysterically instead of crying again.

Plus, I brought my camera. The only thing that keeps me sane these days is looking at the world through its lens. In the photography class I reluctantly agreed to take with some other hospital wives, the instructor had us focused on objects and architecture. So when I point my camera at the kids, instead of trying to capture smiles like a normal person, I’m obsessed with how the winter sunshine plays across the babies’ squirmy bodies or snagging the toddlers mid-step as they race through the house.

Deb breaks my focus with a question. “Do you have any good Korean recipes, Alice? There’s a Korean barbecue place in Kendall Square that is so good. I’d love to be able to make that.”

---