Page 20 of The Wedding Game

Bye x,I answer.

Then I take a pic of a pair of Louboutins, send it to Scarlet, make a joke about how there are no prizes for coming last and wait for the fallout.

CHAPTER NINE

Chris

Hamilton?Lexie messages after I told her how I spent last night, which involved buying spur-of-the-moment discounted tickets to the theatre. I think it was her mention of a pre-theatre dinner. It made me realise I’ve not seen a show in … for ever.

I’m so jealous,she types.I haven’t seen it yet. Theatre in London is getting so expensive. What did you think?

Loved it. Didn’t think I would, but I wanted to see.

Why didn’t you think you’d like it?she asks.

It’s a musical.

Yes, it is. You don’t like musicals?

Not really,I reply.

I love them,she says.The singing, the dancing, the sets, I can’t get enough.

Well, now I know I like them too. Or, rather, I likeHamilton. I’m not sure about the rest.

Maybe you should do them all one after the other.Wickednext week,Phantom of the Operathe week after …

I might not do that, I think. Working out what I do and don’t like is costing me a fortune, and fitting it in around work projects is proving tricky. I like one musical. So far. Let’s tick that box and move on.

I glance down to see another message has landed.Who did you go with?she asks.

I don’t answer for a second. How do I explain this? How do I explain that it was really all our Big Talk that inspired me to expand my horizons. Hmm, I’m not sure how to do this, so instead I type,I didn’t go with anyone. Fancied a night out by myself.

She’s not typing.

Am I coming across as weird?I ask.

No. It’s cool. I’ve never done that before: a night out by myself.

You should,I tell her.I’m sort of… How do I say this?Trying to see what I like and don’t like. Letting myself discover who I am.I cringe, hit send, wait for the inevitable laughter emoji.

But there was no need to be concerned about what Lexie thought as she replies with a little smiling emoji andWhat’s prompted this?

I like Lexie. I don’t want to lie, but I’m not sure I want to pour my heart out via a messaging system. I don’t want to say:It was you.I don’t want to say:I’ve realised, since meeting you, that the reason my relationships fail is because I never take the lead, or the initiative to discover who I really am. And if I don’t know who I am, then how the hell isanyone else supposed to?I condense this down into something less manic.

I think it was our conversation – our Big Talk about past relationships. It nudged me in this direction. And then my internal monologue when I got home nudged me even further.

It sounds like a fun direction in which to be nudged,she types.Taking yourself out for dates and doing all the things most of us don’t get time to do, because we’re wrapped up doing what other people want us to do or need us to do. Are you enjoying it?

She gets it.

I think about her question for a second. I haven’t asked myself this.Yeah, I suppose I am. It’s not every night, and I can always go for drinks with friends and workmates if I want to. I’m just choosing to be a bit selective socially while I figure all this out. And I don’t want to take people on dates, or swipe endlessly on women’s profile pictures and interests.

I don’t tell her that it’s also because I want to be single. I’m not sure why. I wonder if I’d have said that if she’d been here, with me in my apartment. Of course not. We wouldn’t be having chats like this if she’d been here. We’d be … what would we be doing? Falling for each other? Big Talk, but not the kind where I tell a woman, to her face, that I really, really like that I’m happy being single.

Which is why it’s good Lexie’s in London and I’m here. It makes my mission to be single easierandI still get to talk to her. This is almost too perfect. So why is my mind a mess?

We sign off our chat, and once again I notice that even though I’ve held back a bit, it’s fallen into Big Talk.

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