Page 93 of The Last Train Home
‘This isn’t even remotely normal,’ she says and that strikes an icicle into me.
‘Don’t most men get spooked when a baby’s on the way?’ I plead.
She thinks hard about this. ‘Ithinkthey worry about losing their freedom, sure. But not taking his paternity—’
‘He’s taking some of it.’ I’ve done Sean a disservice – I’ve made him sound really bad and he’s not.
‘But not all of it?’ Natasha asks. ‘Even though it’s only two measly weeks?’
I don’t reply. I’m too ashamed.
‘Could he work from home during that time?’ Natasha offers Sean a way out.
‘I’ve tried that argument,’ I say. It’s true. I have. So many times. ‘He says he needs to be in the office.’
‘How’s he going to do that from London? Is he going to go and work from the London office? He won’t have any of his files, though, so … as long as he’s got access to the system on his laptop, heshouldjust be able to work from home, in theory.’
I shrug, but the picture is hazy and I’m not sure she can see me. I don’t think Natasha’s expecting an answer, which is good, because I don’t have one.
It feels like Sean and I are fading and I don’t have the answer.
‘I suppose you couldnotcome home and have the baby there. And miss the wedding. I won’t mind,’ she says in a voice that indicates she really does mind. ‘If it makes all the difference between saving your marriage and …’ She doesn’t even say the words.
‘It shouldn’t have to be like this,’ I go on, crying. ‘I give in on everything. I want to come home and have the baby. I want my mum.’ I sound like a child, I’m aware of that. ‘I want my mum and I want my dad, and I want you. I miss my friends. I don’t want to be here, alone, any more.’
‘Just for a while, though, right?’ she encourages. ‘You don’t want to leave Singapore for ever, leave Sean for ever?’
‘No,’ I say, ‘I don’t want to leave Sean. I don’t want that at all. But we’re not getting on, when it comes to anything to do with the baby, and we’ve not evenhadthe baby yet. He’s making it really hard for me to go, and I’m finding it too hard to stay.’
‘You need to talk to him,’ Natasha says, as if I’ve not tried this.
I nod, because there’s nothing else to do.
There’s nothing else to say.
Chapter 60
Abbie
May 2010
‘I’m going next month,’ I tell Sean. We’ve been avoiding this subject, but it’s the elephant in the room. It’s the thing he skirts around on his way out of the door for work. It’s the barrier I have to edge my way around when we sit down to eat dinner. ‘It’s time to strategise,’ I say in a businesslike language I think he’ll understand. ‘I’m due on the twentieth of July. But that date’s not set in stone as the day the baby will actually arrive. So …’ I must remain factual, not emotional, if I’m going to win him round. ‘We need to set a date when you will arrive.’
He starts to speak, but I cut him off, because I know that once he’s launched into me with his defence, I won’t get a word in edgeways. And then the silent treatment will begin. So I keep going, quickly.Keep to the facts, Abbie. Keep to the facts.
‘Here’s what I suggest. You fly out two days before, if you really can’t take much time off work. Then it gives us a tiny bit of leeway. And we hope the baby arrives within the week.’
He nods, but he’s looking at his dinner plate. He’s nearly finished his food and I’ve only picked at mine. I’m too nervous to eat. I’ll be fine in a minute, once I’ve dealt with this situation, because we need to draw a line under it once and for all.
‘What if …’ he says and I sit up, excited that we’re going to get somewhere. ‘What if the baby doesn’t come that week. I can hardly go home when my pregnant wife hasn’t had the baby yet.’
Damn. This is what I was hoping I could avoid, because thishadoccurred to me. I’d thought, somewhat sneakily, that if this did end up happening, Sean would automatically stay. He would, wouldn’t he? He’d just stay and wait for his first child to be born. First child. A shudder runs through me. I can’t have these discussions again for our second. I’m stilled. Our second child. Will we have a second child? I can’t see it happening, if this is what we’re going through for the first. But surely it’ll be better once the baby is born.
In a way I’m grateful my mind has gone to this worrying topic because it means I don’t answer his question. I need him to answer his own question. I need Sean to decide what he wants to do.
‘I have a better plan,’ he says enthusiastically.
The sigh of relief reverberates through my entire body, from my hair to my toes. I even feel myself smile. I reach for his hand, encouraging him out from the mist and into the light, where he finally becomes part of all this.
