Page 63 of The Last Train Home
I turn round. Her voice is soft and she’s backed away from my onslaught and is now completely still, standing against the fridge, not moving.
‘You,’ I repeat.
‘What about me?’ Her voice is shaking. She thinks she’s about to get another verbal hammering.
‘Everything about you, Abbie. I have a lot of regrets, believe me. A lot. And one of the biggest ones is letting you go, the way you did, that night. Not explaining myself better. I couldn’t comprehend what was happening. Samantha had just told me she was pregnant. And I turned round and you were gone. I think about that a lot. I keep telling myself: us not being together was the right thing – for you, for me, for Samantha. But what if itwasn’tthe right thing?’
‘What do you mean?’ she breathes.
‘Because after that everything went sideways.’
She’s staring at me. ‘No, it didn’t,’ she says. ‘Even if the rest of your life has gone a bit shit, you have Teddy and he’s beautiful.’
‘Teddy’s the best thing that has ever happened to me,’ I say. ‘And I wouldn’t undo it for the world.’
I’m so tired I don’t know what I mean, so I don’t say any more. I’m being a bastard. Poor little rich boy, good job, nice house, hot fiancée, perfect son: this is everything I ever wanted. I’m lucky. I know I’m lucky. Maybe one day soon I’ll start feeling it.
‘I wish it had been different.’ She says it so quickly I don’t quite catch it.
‘What?’
‘I wish you hadn’t seen that message,’ she clarifies. ‘If I could go back to that night, knowing what I know now. I would have moved your phone away – far out of reach.’
‘But then—’ I start.
‘Yes,’ she cuts in. ‘We’d have slept together …’
She’s clearly nervous. And all I can do is watch, because I can’t go to her. I can’t stop her. I need to hear this. I’m desperate to hear this.
‘And I think,’ she says, ‘I think it would have been the start of something and not the end, even with Samantha being pregnant. It would have been a messy situation, but if you’d have wanted to – we could have made it work. And I think it would have just … I think it would have helped make me realise what I already knew.’
‘Which is what?’ I ask. I think I’ve stopped breathing.
‘That I loved you.’
I’ve definitely stopped breathing. I had no idea how much I needed to hear that.
Chapter 42
Abbie
‘Say something, for God’s sake.’
He’s not speaking, why isn’t he speaking? I’m an idiot. I’ve put my heart on the line. I’ve confessed too much.
‘And now?’ he says slowly.
‘And now what?’ I ask. I don’t understand the question.
‘You don’t love me now?’ he says carefully. His eyes are scanning mine.
I don’t want to say it. I don’t want to say what I’m feeling, because I love Sean. I do. I love him. But I love Tom too. I thought I didn’t. I thought the feelings that had grown between us would diminish. But they haven’t.
I could lie. Or I could tell the truth.
‘Yes,’ I whisper.
‘Yes?’ he asks quickly. ‘Yes, you do love me?’
