Page 124 of The Last Train Home
‘I’m not, Abbie.’ He sits on the edge of the bed, puts his head in his hands. ‘And please remember something: we did this before. Or we almost did.’ He corrects himself and then looks back at me. ‘Twice. At varying stages of our friendship, and both times it’s what ended us. I thought it had ended for good last time. I’m not falling into that trap a third time. I don’t want to lose you as a friend.’
‘We messed with each other’s hearts,’ I say. ‘We messed with our own hearts and our heads. We chose all the wrong timings. Or the wrong timings chose us. Which sent us on different paths.’ Because I know – I’ve always known – that I love Tom. I never stopped.
‘But you’re here, now. And, amazingly, I’ve not lost you,’ Tom says. ‘We’re friends again. Let’s not fuck that up.’ He sounds as if he means it, as if his decision is final.
‘OK,’ I say uncertainly. I don’t know what’s just happened. Have I been rejected again?
And then I try again. I have to.This is Tom.
‘Us being together isn’t going to ruin things. It’s when we try andstopbeing together that everything is ruined. Has that not occurred to you?’
He sighs. ‘Abbie … Over the years I can’t help going back to that night you stood in my kitchen and told me you loved me, hours before you got on a plane and disappeared. I analyse it all the bloody time: what I could have done to stop you leaving, what I should have done to buy us some time to work things out—’
‘I love you,’ I tell him and his chest stops moving as he pauses breathing for a moment. ‘I still love you. And I’m putting my heart on the line again, and all of my dignity again, might I add, by telling you this … yet again, Tom: that I love you. And I want you. And I don’t think I ever stopped loving you. If you hadn’t been with Samantha, if I hadn’t been with Sean – I think things might have been different.’
‘I don’t,’ he says. ‘We’d still have messed it up.’
‘I don’t agree,’ I say, but I feel I’m losing him.
He’s not saying anything. Just watching me. And exactly like last time I told him I loved him, I keep talking, because I’m all in now. If Tom rejects me again, I really will need a stern talking-to from someone.
‘Do you still love me?’ I forge on. ‘Do you want me? Because if not – if you don’t want me, and if it’s because you genuinely don’t have feelings for me any more – then that’s OK. I mean, it’s not OK, but I’ll get on with it. And if it’s because I’ve just had someone else’s baby and you don’t want anything to do with this messy situation, even though Iassureyou Sean is out of the picture and firmly staying that way, because I don’t love him, I love you … then that’s fine too. I understand.’
‘You’re an idiot,’ Tom says. ‘You really think I don’t love you? You really think I haven’t fallen for that little person over there, as well as having already fallen for her mother?’
I breathe in hard, lift my shoulders and drop them down. ‘Really?’ I whisper.
‘Really,’ he says. ‘And I want you in my life.’
‘I’m right here,’ I say. ‘Don’t reject me again.’
He’s thinking.
‘What’s stopping you?’ I whisper tentatively.
‘I don’t want to lose you when I fuck it up,’ he says. ‘Because I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you again. And now … there’s Tilly. And Teddy. If we’re going to do this, there’s little people to consider. We can’t mess it up, because we’ll mess them up. We have children.’
‘We do,’ I say.
‘I’m still not even divorced,’ he tells me.
‘Neither am I.’
‘What if we fuck it up?’ he says, his voice shaking.
‘Why are we going to do that?’ I ask softly. ‘I’ve seen you at your worst. You’ve seen me at mine. And I’m so in love with you.’
‘I’m so in love with you too,’ he says.
I smile. Everything has brightened. ‘Being away from you has been horrible,’ I go on. ‘Trying to put a stop to whatever was happening between us – that was what messed us up.’
‘I know,’ he says desperately. ‘And trying to sleep with each other too soon. As I recall, that was what started all this mess off.’
‘I have good news on that front,’ I say softly. ‘Or bad news, depending on how you really feel. I can’t sleep with you.’
His eyes narrow and a horrified expression falls over his face. ‘What … ever? You’re joking?’
I can’t help but laugh. ‘Not never. Just for the next few weeks. It’s in the leaflet I was given about dos and don’ts after having a C-section. And the leaflet is probably spot-on, because I can’t even stand up straight without everything hurting, so sex is probably off the cards for a while.’
