Page 179 of As The Shifter World Turns

My family was home, right where they ought to be.

75

CAN’T SLEEP. WON’T SLEEP.

Ivor

The rocking chair creaked as I rocked Dyani back and forth. She wasn’t crying or in pain. Her diaper had been changed and she’d been burped. But her eyes were wide open and she was squirmy.Why aren’t you sleeping, little one?

Ryder walked into the nursery—or stumbled would be a better word. “I’ll take over, love. You go back to bed.”

And much as my body craved sleep, I shook my head so he brought me peppermint tea and then he lay on the daybed. I was the omega, the one who’d had our daughter inside me for nine months. If anyone was supposed to sooth her, feed her, and calm her, it should be me. I was failing at fatherhood.

“What’s wrong with me?”

Ryder didn’t answer immediately and I envied him his ability to fall asleep in an instant. But at the same time, it was annoying that I was the one awake, and he’d left me alone with a baby who had no interest in sleeping.

My wolf wasn’t much help. He thought a run in the middle of the night was a cure-all for my tiredness and irritability. That would require me handing the baby over to my mate and leaving her for a couple of hours. Not that Ryder wasn’t a doting dad. He was. But he had to go to work five days a week and damnit, I was the omega. Why didn’t I know how to do this? Wasn’t it instinctive for people after giving birth?

Dyani had lost weight initially in the hospital, though that was quite common for any newborn, but I was constantly worried that she wasn’t feeding enough. Having her be in the NICU was terrifying, I didn’t want to let her out of my sight now we were home.

I had a sneaking suspicion that I’d done something wrong before giving birth and that’s why she’d been hypoglycemic. The doctor told me I’d done everything right and she was fine once she was off the IV. Ryder reassured me too and so did our friends. But I couldn't shake off the idea that it was my fault.

That was the reason for me falling asleep in her room while studying her chest rising and falling, even though we had an app that warned us if she stopped breathing. As well as worrying about our daughter’s health, I was beyond exhausted. Too tired to eat and Ryder had to remind me to shower and brush my teeth.

“Ivor.”

“Mmmm.”

“Please come to bed or let me sleep in here.”

“Isn’t that what you’ve been doing?” I snapped. “Sleeping.”

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I regretted them but I couldn’t take them back. The hurt reflected in my mate’s eyes made me feel worse and instead of apologizing, I lashed out more. “It’s all right for you, sleeping whenever you want, and swanning off to work.”

Ryder didn’t respond and I didn’t know how to make it better. But Dyani chose that moment to fill her diaper and I didn’t argue when my mate took her from me. Gripping the arms of the rocker, I closed my eyes while he chatted to our daughter. It was the middle of the night. Why was he talking to her?

A single tear slid down my cheek and I howled, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m such a horrible person.”

With one arm tucked around Dyani, Ryder hauled me to my feet with the other and plopped me on the daybed. He sat beside me and pulled me close. “I love you. You carried and brought our daughter into the world. I’m in awe of what omegas can do, you in particular. You’re amazing.”

“You have to say that. You’re my mate.”

“True.”

I giggled, which turned into an honest to goodness belly laugh. Dyani turned her head and studied me, probably because she hadn’t heard me do that since her birth. I’d been annoyed at Ryder talking to her and now her eyes were open wide while I laughed. Iwasa terrible father.

And when the laughter finished, I felt a little lighter and made no move to put Dyani in her crib. Instead, I lay down and covered myself with a blanket as Ryder sang to our daughter.

When I opened my eyes it was morning. Ryder was asleep in the rocking chair. I shot up and peered at our daughter’s chest until it rose and fell and I was confident she was okay. Despite sleeping more than an hour, my shoulders were bowed with exhaustion and I went through the motions of changing Dyani’s wet diaper and feeding her.

“Have a good sleep, love?” Ryder grimaced as he stretched his arms.

“A little,” I shrugged.

My mate kissed Dyani and me as he made my breakfast and showered. Inever told him how lonely I felt when he left every morning, even though he came home at lunch and called and messaged during the day.

The day stretched ahead and would consist of feeding our daughter, worrying she wasn’t eating enough, and getting her to sleep, but checking on her every five minutes. I wanted to curl up into a ball.

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