Page 70 of On the Edge

I know she’s not wrong, but it’s hard to hear it anyway. “Yeah,” I say sadly, “maybe. But now the reality is that he’s back, and he’s still the Nate I always loved, just a bit more mature and a lot more sexy. And he’s finding his footing on the National Ski Team right as I’m about to walk away from this life. Even if the Danforth thing doesn’t work out, I’m still hoping to move home after this season. And he’ll be traveling and competing.”

Petra sighs. “Maybe you should talk to him about this? If he’s told you he’s still in love with you, if he’s laid it all out like that, then doesn’t he at least deserve to know what you’re thinking? And to know that you’re leaving?”

“What if he tells someone and I get fired? I can’t take that risk. I haven’t even told Sierra for that reason! Being a physical therapist for this team is the best leverage I have for finding a new job.” If I get fired, it will ruin everything.

“I’m just saying, you can’t be mad that he won’t tell you about Blackstone after signing an NDA if you’re keeping things from him that you don’t legally need to keep a secret.”

Touché.

“Since he’s been back, I’ve never let myself envision a situation where Nate and I have a future together. I mean, getting naked with him, sure. But I haven’t considered anything long-term.”

“Even though you know that’s where his mind is at?” she asks and I nod. “I mean, the guy thinks you’re with someone else and he still tells you how he feels and still says he’s waiting for you. Do you have any idea how ballsy that is? Jackson, you need to be honest with him.”

“I can’t talk to Nate about any of this until I’ve talked to Marco. I’ll see him in a couple days when we get to Italy.”

“There’s this amazing newfangled way to talk to people even when they’re far away,” Petra says and rolls her eyes as she gets up off her couch and walks to her kitchen with her empty wineglass. “Why don’t you just call him?”

“This really feels like it should be an in-person conversation.” Like how he waited to tell me he was retiring until we were together in Levi. “Plus, I need time to think about what I want to say. I’m still not sure where I want this to go with Nate.”

“I’m just saying, you could call Marco right now and be fucking Nate tonight. You know that, right?”

“Wow, Petra, you’re such a romantic.”

“Honey, you clearly need sex and you clearly want it to happen with Nate. Why put up all these artificial boundaries and these walls?”

“There’s nothing artificial about how completely he destroyed my heart. Pardon me if I’m being cautious because I don’t want to ever feel like that again.” The pain of the past washes over me at inconvenient times, and sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever truly be over it. Even now that I know he didn’t leave me in the way I thought he did, it still hurts.

“I know he hurt you,” she says as she props her phone up on the countertop and pours herself another glass of wine. “But you also know that at the time, between what your dad said to him and thinking you had feelings for Marco, he had reasons that at least check out—if not make the whole thing understandable.” She raises her eyebrows, tilts her wineglass toward me in a mock salute, and takes a sip of her drink.

“Has anyone ever hurt you like that, Petra? Ever made you feel absolutely worthless and unlovable, and utterly alone?” She can’t understand how I’m feeling if she hasn’t experienced something like it—empathy only goes so far.

A look passes over her face that I can’t quite place. “As if.” She rolls her eyes and takes another sip of wine. “So maybe you can recognize that this is more about your fear than about what actually happened, no?”

“In theory, yes, I’m starting to see that. But the reality is that I’ve lived with this hurt and pain for five years, and that’s hard to let go of.”

“You can keep holding onto that,” she says, “but in the end it may hurt you more than him.”

Her words remind me of Ms. Juarez’s sage advice. She told me I was much too young to be this bitter. And I’m being given a second chance here, so maybe I would be a fool to give that up.

“Thanks for the therapy, Petra. Helpful as always.” I blow her a kiss.

“Anytime you need some tough love, you know I’m here for you.”

“Please don’t tell anyone what I told you about Marco, not even Sierra or Lauren. That has to stay secret for now.”

“Therapy is always confidential.”

CHAPTER19

NATE

Alta Badia, Italy

We slide down toward the next gate, our skis perpendicular to the fall line so that we leave smooth tracks on the course during inspection. Since no two race courses are set the same, we have this time before the race to inspect the course and plan out how we’ll attack it. But we can’t actually ski the course, instead we “slip” it, sliding down it to get a feel for the placement of the gates. Success in a ski race is based on a lot of different factors, and how well you remember the course from the inspection is an important part of being prepared.

“Right here,” Lyle says, poking the snow with his pole where he’s stopped, “this is where you need to pivot. Any sooner and you’ll miss this gate, but if you wait any longer you won’t be set up for the next one.”

I look at where his pole is planted, then look at the red slalom pole downhill from us. I envision my arc, the angle I’ll need to go around this gate and still be set up for the blue pole beyond it—the one that’s so close it would be incredibly easy to miss. I close my eyes and picture it again, letting my body sway slightly in the direction of the turn as I imagine myself making it around the pole. Then I nod to Lyle and we slide down to the next gate.

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