Page 23 of Broken Player

But most of all? I needed her.

I couldn’t have her, though. I burned that bridge a long time ago and reinforced it yesterday. Even if I tried to make it right, to explain to her how I did this all for her, she’d never want me after the way I treated her. Right now, I needed help. Ineverasked for help. I was the one everyone came to when they wanted shit handled, but I had no idea what to do.

With a shaking hand, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and texted True.

Maddox: I need you guys.

True: When & where?

Maddox: Texas and now.

True: Give us a couple of hours.

Maddox: Bring all the alcohol.

True: ...you got it.

I exhaled a shaky breath and slid my phone back into my pocket as I climbed into the back seat of the waiting SUV without the groceries I came for. I’d deal with it later. “Drop me at home,” I demanded. I’d have to deal with myself for a couple of hours until the guys showed up. I couldn’t risk getting fucked up at the bar. Odds were either someone Russell knew would be there and recognize me, or I’d end up with a shitty picture on some tabloid by tomorrow morning.

Nope, I’d have to wait until True, Zen, and probably Connor got here. The two of them were into all that romance shit, and Connor would knock some sense into me. Maybe I could still salvage this.

Looking back on all my decisions when it came to Ryan, I realized how colossally I fucked up. She’d always been there, waiting for me to pull my head out of my ass and claim her as mine. But I pushed her away one too many times, and she finally gave up on me. Now it was my turn to show her I wouldn’t give up on her.

"I don't understand," True said, his words slurring together. "If Jericho were here, he'd know how to explain it."

Zen brought his glass to his lips, sloshing a little bit out of his cup in the process before slurping another sip of his drink. "My wife demanded he stay. Sorry." He didn't sound sorry at all as a crooked smile broke out on his face.

Sighing, I pinched the bridge of my nose. We'd already gone over this again and again for the past hour. Now that the alcohol was buzzing through my veins and my thoughts weren't nearly as clear, it was getting harder to answer their questions and focus on the details.

And on top of that, the numbness I was used to from the whiskey hadn't happened this time. No, this time, the pain had gotten worse because that was just my fucking lot in life. My stomach turned, and the sharp stabbing in my chest got worse as I focused on it. Instead, I tried to push it aside and explain why I cut Ryan out of my life.

"Man, you didn't see the way she looked at me back then. We were just kids, and we kissed, and when I realized what happened, I looked down at her, and she was looking at me like I was her goddamn hero. Like I was the only person in the entire fucking world, and I couldn't handle it. I knew if I didn't get the fuck out of here, I'd drag her down with me. The same blood flows in my veins as my old man, and I watched him destroy mymom. He tore her apart piece by piece until she couldn't stand to look at either one of us. The day she left, I knew she blamed me for keeping her tied to him. I refused to do that to Ryan. So I made the choice for her, and I left."

Eyes burned into the side of my face, and I turned to find Connor studying me. He hadn't said much this entire evening, but he sipped his drink and observed like he always did. I wasn't sure if he came along for my benefit or for Zen's since Kennedy was six months pregnant, and they couldn't stand to be away from each other. I was surprised he came at all.

"Dude, that's pretty fucked up. You didn't give her any say in the decision?" Zen asked.

"No, I couldn't. She was fourteen at the time, and I had the only chance I'd probably ever get to get out of here. I couldn't take her with me, but I could have told her I was going or asked her to wait for me. But don't you see how fucking unfair that would've been? I had no idea things would turn out like they did." I raked my hand through my hair, absently noting how my fingertips tingled.

"Well, now she's getting married. You have to tell her how you feel," True announced, standing up from his seat and swaying before throwing his arms out to the side to balance himself.

"True's right, Mad. This might be your only chance to make things right. Now everything makes fucking sense. You've been a goddamn nightmare for ten years, and it's all been over a girl. I never would have guessed," Zen mused, sipping his drink.

"What if she hates me? I've seen her once in twelve years, and I was a complete dick to her," I whispered, my words slurring together even to my own ears. I set my drink down on the table, standing up. The room tilted and swayed but thankfully hadn't started to spin.

"She doesn't hate you. She brought you your favorite cookies as soon as she saw you were back. That girl loves you, asshole. Christ knows why," Connor responded, rolling his eyes.

True stepped around the coffee table and gripped my arm, yanking me toward the door. "Where are we going?" I asked, stumbling after him.

"Do you want to be with this girl?" Zen asked, trailing behind us.

I nodded reluctantly, blowing out a breath that burned on the way out. I bet if I blew against a match right now, it'd light my breath on fire, the alcohol was so strong. "More than anything. I've never been able to let her go."

"Holy fuck. Is she why you've never been with the same girl more than once?" True asked, his eyes going wide.

I nodded again, avoiding all three pairs of eyes focused on me right now by looking at the swaying floor. "I never wanted to risk getting involved with someone else. I think deep down I always hoped I could find a way to show her I'd be good enough for her." Ugh, I fucking hated admitting feelings shit out loud. It made me twitchy.

"You're going to tell her right now how you feel and why you've shut her out for so long. This is your chance, bro. Do not fuck it up." True opened the screen door so hard it banged against the siding, and I winced at the loud noise cutting through the quiet country night. I forgot how quiet life could be out on the ranch with only the crickets making noise.

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