Page 63 of Anytime I Want

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Chloe and I spend the rest of Wednesday and all day Friday making plans. I wanted to use Thursday too, but it’s Chloe’sfavorite holiday and she absolutely refused to spend time doing anything besides “Thanksgiving activities.” I texted Graham Thanksgiving morning, saying Happy Thanksgiving and that I was thankful for him. I sent him a heart emoji, and a few hours later, he sent me one back. That’s it, just one heart. I’ll take it. I can’t ask for too much anyways.

Saturday morning, I grab the extra key we have for the Kealohas’ house and get to work making over Graham’s room. I printed as many pictures as I could find, and I plaster his walls with our faces. I use Post-it notes and write about things he did that made me fall for him even deeper. I tell him about preschool, making the list, and how I’ve always wanted him to be the one who fulfilled it. Chloe and I spend hours in his room. We try to get Nathan to come, but he says that he’ll be there in spirit. He is not, and I quote, “hanging up notes and pictures to show my best friend how dreamy he is.” I guess that makes sense. After we finish Graham’s room, I write him a girlfriend list—the things I will do to prove to him that I want to be with him. It’s only fair.

They are flying overnight and will get home tomorrow morning. They normally spend a good chunk of the day sleeping, so I’m not expecting to hear from him until the early evening. But that doesn’t change what I am hoping for. I am hoping he’ll get home, see his room, and run over and wake me up. I am hoping he’ll instantly forgive me, and we will live happily for now (or forever—not ruling anything out here).

After a few hours of me constantly checking my phone, Chloe recruits Josie, Nathan, Paige, Greg, and Josh to go get ice cream and see a movie with us. We see the new Disney release, and I get yelled at by two moms because I keep pulling out my phone. I don’t know what I’m expecting, that somehow Graham will get home early? I know he won’t but I am so anxious. After a third mom threatens to get a manager, I tell my friends I’ll meet themin the lobby after the movie. I sit on a bench, put my headphones in, and close my eyes. The music flows over me and I let myself completely relax. A few songs later, someone kicks my foot. Ginger is standing in front of me, holding an extra-large soda and tub of popcorn.

“Hey, you okay?” she asks.

“Hey, yeah, I’m good. I kept using my phone in the theater and people were angry, so I left. Just waiting for the movie to end. Who are you here with?”

“Travis.” She nods over her shoulder to a football player from our school, standing at the counter, bro-ing out with the theater employee. I wrinkle my nose because, well, he sucks. I try to hide it, but Ginger sees it before I can.

She laughs. “Yeah, I know. But he asked and I thought what the heck? I like a free movie as much as the next girl, but little did I know, he’d forget his wallet.” This time I don’t try to hide the face.

“What are you going to see? Maybe the movie will still be good.”

“That new horror movie.”

“What! No. Why?”

“Oh, I love a good scare. Especially with a cute guy that can keep me safe. But,” she looks at Travis, “I should’ve saved this one for someone else.”

We laugh together before Travis saunters over. “Yo, Julia.”

I nod at him, not interested in engaging.

“I’ll see you later, Julia.” Ginger waves and Travis drapes his arm over her shoulders. She shrugs it off, but he just tries again.

“What a jerk. Someone needs to give him a taste of his own medicine,” I mumble.

***

Graham

I’m staring at the ocean, my hands in my pockets and my feet spread. There are a ton of little kids running around, throwing sand, building castles, and avoiding blue bubbles. Normally I’d be chasing them, being the life of the party, but not today. Normally, I hide my moods behind smiles and jokes, but I have no jokes this week. My cousins stopped trying to hang out with me before Thanksgiving, but my aunties and uncles never left me alone. Which was good honestly. I needed the reminder that not all was lost.

Julia texted me a few times over the past week, and I gave her short answers. Because I’m hurt, and I don’t know how I can engage without getting my heart broken again. I haven’t entirely given up, but I’m scared. Ironically, I understand where she was coming from for the past few years. What if she changes her mind again?

My nephew tugs on my shorts, trying to get me to engage. I smile blandly at him when he asks me to chase him, but I shake my head, and he runs off with a dejected look.

“The Uncle Graham I know would never let a kid run off like that.” Alani, my sister in law, nudges my shoulder with hers. “What’s up?”

“Nothing. At least, nothing worth talking about.”

“Are you sure? If it’s affecting you this much, it seems pretty important.” Alani mimics my pose, staring at her kids playing nearby. I turn my attention to her. A small smile touches her lips, and her long black hair is falling out of the bun on top of her head. She married my oldest brother, Dean, when I was six years old so I’ve known her pretty much my whole life. They lived in Arizona for a few years before Alani convinced Dean to move her home again. Even with a six-hour plane ride and an ocean between us, Alani never let our relationship falter. Sure, we don’ttalk everyday, but we do keep up generally. I realize now that I haven’t talked to her since The List stuff happened.

“It’s a long story.” I sigh, trying to figure out where to start.

“I talked to your mom. I know all about The List and Julia. I don’t know why you’re pouting though. It sounds like things are going great.”

“Theywere. But then I hugged Ginger at the hospital, and all of a sudden, everything that she was worried about before came back and everything I did to help her feel better, didn’t matter anymore. Because of a hug. And not just a for-the-heck-of-it one. Her grandma collapsed. Shouldn’t Julia want me to be a good guy? The one that helps people feel better if he can? How do I fix this?” I throw my hat on the sand and drag my fingers through my hair. Alani bends down, picks it off, and brushes it off.

“I remember Julia. It’s been a few years, but she was cute. Quiet, unassuming, always humming. She watched you a lot. At first I thought it was because she wanted to be included, but the more I watched, I realized that she was just watching you. She is a great girl, assuming she didn’t take a total left turn—”

“She didn’t. She’s incredible.”

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