Page 61 of Anytime I Want

“How would I know?”

“When you go see Ginger,” she scoffs. Yeah, sneers. Julia, the sweetest girl in the whole world, is sneering at me.

“Julia.” I step toward her and she backs away. I drop my hands and sigh. “It was a reflex. Someone is in tears and they hug you, you hug back. It didn’t mean anything.”

“It meant something to me,” Julia whispers. Her anger seems to be gone, replaced by sadness. “You didn’t even try to talk to me again the rest of the night. You got distracted,again. I really thought that I could trust you, but I guess I can’t.”

My eyes go wide, caught off guard by her response. “Julia. I was there for you. Not Ginger. But she is my friend. I want to be with you, but I am a friendly guy. I have pulled way back on the ‘flirting’, I pay so much attention to you, I spend all my time figuring out how to complete The List. I thought we were good. You acted like we were good.” I take a step toward her, and this time she doesn’t move away. She is looking down, and I can see the tears dripping down her cheeks. “Please, tell me what you’re thinking.”

“You forgot…”

I waited for a few seconds before asking, “Forgot what?”

“Forgot to bring me a lollipop.”

***

Julia

“What lollipop? When? I’ve been bringing you one almost every day since the game.”

Graham reaches for my face, but I shake my head and wipe away my tears before I start talking. “When I was seven, you read my list and said you’d bring me a lollipop, but Nathan asked you to play catch, and so you said tomorrow. And tomorrow came and went, and no lollipop. It’s ridiculous but I’ve spent the last nine years watching you get distracted—and not just with me, with sports and instruments and future dreams—so I’m scared. It’s not that I think you aren’t interested. It’s that I think you are; I just don’t know for how long. And what if we date and then you get bored? What about Nathan and my parents and your parents? Chloe even? We are so entwined in each other’s lives. It would be so awkward.”

“Julia. Stop,” Graham takes off his hat to run his fingers through his hair. “You keep saying this, but the only one who feels that way is you. Everyone else is on board. This is an excuse, just like the distraction is an excuse. I’m not saying you aren’t allowed to feel how you are feeling, but the real question is, do you trust me?” His eyes flash when they meet mine.

“I… don’t know,” I finally say.

Graham takes a step back, as if I struck him. His eyes show his hurt and he looks down. After a minute, he looks up, his eyes shuttered. “Well, the ball is in your court. Decide you trust me, and I’m here. I am entirely trustworthy. I know I goof off, I’m friendly, I tease, I quit things. But Julia, I have been in love with you since I was seven years old, before I knew what it meant to love someone. I’ve spent the last three months tryingto show you that I am not going to get distracted. I signed up for wrestling, I stopped skipping class—well except for the promposal—I study, I turn in my assignments. Being with you has helped me be a better person. Do I help you be a better person?” He shoves his hands in his pockets and takes another step back. My heart is racing, and I am regretting bringing this up. My face is flushed, and I’m a little dizzy. The last few months flash before my eyes. I press my hands to my eyes, trying to stop the thoughts and memories.

“When you are ready to answer those questions, you know where I live.” He meets my eyes one more time before turning toward his house.

I watch him walk away and sit down on the front step to cry, but I have cried so much in the past twenty-four hours, nothing comes. I hear the front door open, and Nathan sits down next to me.

He nudges my shoulder and I look at him. “You know, I love Graham. He’s been my best friend since before I can remember, but I have always been team Julia. You are my twin sister, and there is literally no one I love as much as I love you. But this time, this time, I think I’m team Graham. You didn’t give him the opportunity to explain before you decided he got distracted. And who cares? Do you really think it’s reasonable for his focus to be on you all the time?”

“Well, I, no. That’s not what I mean. It’s not all about me. I just want to trust him, and I don’t know if I can.”

“Nah, you don’t know if you will. Big difference. This one is on you, sis.” He stands up and wipes his hands on his pants. He kicks me gently in the foot. “Still team Julia, but no one bats a thousand.” Nathan heads to the car and climbs in. He starts the car, and I stare at him the entire time. He rolls the window down, leaning across the passenger seat. “Wanna go for a drive?Maybe we can figure it out together. I helped him get the girl; maybe it’s your turn.” I give him a small smile and get in the car.

“I’ll take the drive, but let’s just hang out. Our relationship doesn’t need to be all about Graham.”

“It never has and it never will be. Like I said, I’m with you, all the way.” Nathan squeezes my hand before backing out of the driveway.

Chapter 33

Julia

Graham hasn’t talked to me since the big fight over a week ago. But to be fair, I haven’t really tried talking to him. I don’t know what to do. I see him at school, but he looks away. I hide in the library during lunch, trying to convince Chloe or Nathan to bring me some food. Normally Chloe would do things just to spite Nathan, but apparently, they are on the same team this time. I type up texts but I never actually send them. What if he doesn’t accept my apology? I know he said he’d be here when I was ready to trust him but what if he changed his mind?

I try to talk to Chloe about it but she just rolls her eyes and tells me that she’ll help me brainstorm, but she isn’t going to help me worry. I still want to worry, so she’s no help. I try to ask Josie, but she isn’t any help either. Everyone keeps telling me to apologize. I know that’s not enough, but no one is listening to me. I take a deep breath and start typing.

Julia

Hey. Are we still on for the dance next week?

I stare at my phone for a few minutes. I know it is a bad idea for that to be the first thing to ask him, but again, no one is helping me. At least not how I want to be helped.

I want to go over to his house and apologize in person, but he isn't there. He’s spending Thanksgiving in Hawaii with his family. I hit the send button and keep staring, willing my phone to buzz.

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