Page 56 of Anytime I Want

Graham is sitting up straight, his face as eager as a dog seeing a tennis ball.“Please, Julia! I’ve been waiting years for this,” he begs, his hands together in front of his chest. His eyes are so big, I don’t think I can say no even if I try.

I stand, shaking out my hands, hoping that some of my nerves will leave. I turn towards the kitchen and start humming. Slowly, I start singing, mostly mumbling.

“Enunciate!” Mabel calls. I take a deep breath and keep going, a little louder and more clear. “Good, but watch those breaths! You don’t want to ruin the flow.”

My voice cracks with nerves, and I stumble over the next line. I hear Mabel sigh, this time in frustration, not adoration.

I stop singing and drop my head in my hands. “I should probably take my name off the list,” I say, my voice muffled by my hands. The air shifts around me and Graham takes my hands in one of his. He uses his free hand to lift my chin. “Jules. Just look at me. Sing to me.”

“Sing to you?” My voice cracks again. “Singing to you would be even harder!”

“No, it won’t.” He is still holding my chin in his hand and starts to gently stroke my cheek. “Just hold my hands, close your eyes, and sing. I won’t say anything. Mabel won’t say anything. We’ll just listen. It’ll be like you’re alone.”

“The fact that you think you can be around me and I can pretend you aren’t makes me realize you have no idea how you make me feel,” I mumble.

Graham’s eyes light up and a cocky smile touches his lips. He gives me a quick kiss.“We are absolutely coming back to that comment later. But for now, let’s focus on the song. Want me to sing with you?”

“Yes. Let me grab the music,” I say, and Mabel is right there with the sheet music. “Whoa.” She gives me a Cheshire-esque grin and shuffles back to the couch.

Graham clears his throat and starts singing. I laugh a little and stop him. He started way too low. I hum a few notes with my eyes closed before I start singing. Graham matches me pretty well. He was blessed with a beautiful voice but doesn’t care that much about it.

My voice cracks a few times, and I stumble over some words, and each time I mess up, Graham squeezes my hands. I lose myself in the music and the feeling of my hands in Graham’s. I let my voice build and flow over the notes, singing each memorized word. At some point, Graham stops singing, but I don’t know exactly when. Somehow Graham being here is keeping me calm. Normally his presence gives me butterflies and makes me a little loopy, but there’s something constant and steady about him today. Is it his hands? Is it knowing that he’s watching me and only me? Nothing is distracting him today.

He keeps holding my hands until I let the last note fade away. I slowly open my eyes and see Graham with tears in his, a look of pure adoration and maybe, love?, on his face. “Julia.” I really love when he breathes my name like that. He rests his forehead on mine. “You have the most beautiful voice I have ever heard.” He presses a gentle kiss to my lips and then wraps his arms around me, squeezing tight.

“Julia!” Mabel claps. “Amazing! Graham, you must be at the performance on Friday!”

“I wouldn’t miss it,” Graham says to Mabel, not letting go of me.

“Okay. This is nice and all, but separate.” She waves her hands at us. “Julia needs to practice again. This time, Graham, you sit there, and Julia, just sing to him.”

I square my shoulders, smile, and meet his eyes. He nods at me, and I start singing.

***

Graham

We are all in the front row of the Cactus Hills variety show with signs and leis. It’s nothing fancy, just a few portable risers and black curtains making a backstage area. On the far right side of the stage, there’s an electric piano, a music stand, and a guitar amp. There are some crepe streamers hung on the front edge of the makeshift stage and a big blue X taped off in the center. It’s directly in front of the webcam that is streaming the performance to the homes of those that aren’t able to attend.

It’s pretty obvious that we are all a little nervous, especially by the way Uncle Connor is wincing from Aunty Theresa gripping his hand too tightly. Chloe is scrolling through her phone way faster than she can actually take in the information, and Nathan is brooding. Again. He’s been in a bad mood since the day of the dance-posal but he won’t tell me what’s up. I asked Julia, and she said he’s fine and not to worry about it. I know she isn’t telling me everything she knows, but I suppose twin trumps best friend/boyfriend.

The lights slowly lower, and someone in a Cactus Hills polo shirt walks to center stage. “Welcome everyone to the Cactus Hills variety show! I am Troy, and I’ll be the cruise director tonight.” He pauses and lets the few chuckles die down. He frowns, clearly disappointed his joke didn’t land as well as he hoped. “Anyway, let’s get started! Everyone should have a copy of the performances and since that’s what everyone is here for, I’ll just let them come out in order. I’ll see you after the show!” He waves big and heads to the side of the stage.

A man in his sixties steps on to the stage. He’s dressed as a chimney sweep, complete with some dirt on his face that I assume is supposed to be soot. Actually, it could be soot. I really don’t know. A song fromMary Poppinsturns on, and he wows us all with his Dick Van Dyke dance moves. The whole crowd gets into it, standing, clapping, and cheering. At the end of the song, he whips off his hat and gives a dramatic bow.

“Whew, hard to follow that,” Josie whispers. She is sitting between me and Nathan, and I see Nathan lean away from her. What is going on? Even weirder, Chloe is on Nathan’s other side which means he leanedinto Chloe.I’ve been too busy with Julia lately. Nathan and I need a bro night, stat.

I lean across Josie and whisper, “Nate, wanna play video games tomorrow? Just the two of us?”

“Make it tonight,” Chloe interrupts. “Josie and I are taking Julia out for ice cream. You’ve had her all week. We want her tonight. You can hang with Nathan tonight and have Julia all day tomorrow.”

I shrug—it sounds like a good deal—and I cock a brow at Nathan. He shrugs back, and I take that to mean we have a finalized plan. I lean back and watch the next few performances.

This is truly a variety show. We have dancers, ventriloquists, mimes, baton twirlers, comedians, a few guitar players, and singers. The age range is broad—from a little girl, maybe four years old, playing a song on the piano to someone older than Mabel telling jokes from his wheelchair. It is so much fun, but with each performance, we get closer to Julia’s and my nerves ratchet up. Mabel pulled some strings and had Julia go last, right after Ginger, because Ginger didn’t want to follow Julia after Mabel said no one should want to. I can’t decide if that was cold or considerate.

Ginger walks to the electric keyboard at the edge of the stage. She makes eye contact with me, winks, and then says, “This song is dedicated to a special someone. Thanks for being here tonight.”

I can feel her staring at me the entire time, even though I am fascinated by my shoelaces. Chloe rolls her eyes. Josie pops her gum loudly and scoffs.

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