Page 42 of Anytime I Want

“Sorry, Graham. I tried to help.” Chloe shrugs before going into the TV room.

I stand at the bottom of the stairs, watching her go, entirely unsure of what I should do next. I don’t know how long I stand there, but I hear the TV turn on and Nathan walks over.

“You get it, right? Why she’s bugged?”

“No, not at all. If I knew, I wouldn’t be talking to you. I’d be apologizing to her.”

Nathan shrugs. “It’s not entirely your fault. She knows who you are. It’s the flirting. The girl at the haunted house. You let her hang on you, and you two flirted. I didn’t see all of it, but I noticed some of it.”

“What? I didn’t. I was being nice. A good guy. Isn’t that a good thing?” I scrub my hands through my hair, letting my frustration come out in my tone.

“Whoa, dude. Don’t shoot the messenger.” He holds his hands up. “I am trying to help. I know I give you a hard time about it, but I do want this to work out. Why do you think I agreed to the bet and have been helping you? I’m team… Grulia? Jam?”

I shake my head at him and let out a small laugh. “Okay. Sorry. So, I flirt too much? I flirt with her way more than anyone else.”

“Honestly, I can’t entirely explain it. I think that since she never flirts with anyone, how comfortable you are with everyone makes her uncomfortable. Plus, when you flirt with her and then turn around and flirt with Chloe or a drunk girl at a haunted house, she doesn’t trust it. It makes you two flirting less important.”

“She told you this?”

“Not in so many words, but yeah. I’m not saying change yourself, but you should definitely talk to Julia about it.” He claps his hand on my back, and I force a smile at him.

“Thanks, man. Good advice. Now, since we’re talking about girls, let’s talk about Josie.” I waggle my eyebrows at him.

“Dude. You mess with your eyebrows way too often.” Nathan shoves me, and I make my face blank and try again.

“Josie?” I say, almost in a robot voice. He punches my arm before shrugging his shoulders.

“I don’t know, man. She’s beautiful and fun, but she doesn’t seem interested. I don’t know how hard I should try.”

“I guess that depends on how much you like her. I’m, obviously, a big believer in trying hard. Embarrassing yourself. Grand gestures. Small gestures. Gifts, dates, whatever. Lay it all out there so you have no regrets.”

“I’m pretty sure if I did what you’re doing, I would regret all kinds of things,” Nathan says. I punch him on the arm, and he laughs and rubs it. We start toward the living room to join Josie and Chloe for the rest of the movie.

“All I’m saying is, would you regret trying?”

“Yeah, Graham, I probably would.” Nathan says quietly, staring at Josie’s profile.

“Too bad, though,” I muse. “I always thought you and Chloe would be a great couple.” I bump my fist on his shoulder and squeeze myself onto the couch between Chloe and Josie. “Ladies! What’s good?”

***

Julia

I leave my door open just a crack, trying not to listen to my friends downstairs, but I hate having my door entirely closed. I like the little sliver of light from the hallway, and there is always a breeze. My dad keeps every ceiling fan in the entire house running at full speed always. We basically live in a tornado, but I’ve learned that when you are used to moving air, still air is uncomfortable.

I hear Graham joking about the movie, and I try to convince myself to go downstairs. He would be excited to see me. I know it. Well, I hope it. I’m doing fine, but that girl at the haunted house knocked me back. I know I shouldn’t let it bother me, but it's hard. I’ve spent the last four years being a teenage girl, and an unfortunate side effect is hits to your self esteem. I know I am smart, I am funny, I am attractive, I am kind, and like my mom says, I am the whole package. But I forget. I let myself dwell in the dumps and even knowing this, I still am sitting in my room, trying to act as if missing out isn’t bothering me.

I move to my desk and spin around in the chair. My eye catches the edge of the box, half-hidden behind my shirts, that I keep the notes from Graham in. I stare at it for a good thirty seconds before I give in. I grab it and dump it out on my bed. There are so many notes, all folded up, never read. I’ve found them over the past five weeks stuck in my windshield, mybackpack, in the flowers, on my pillow. Nathan gave me some. I haven’t managed to build up enough courage to read them. I built this list up in my mind over the past nine years, and what if Graham doesn’t deliver correctly? What if the love notes aren’t what I’ve always dreamed of? I want personal things, not generic poetry or “ur cute”. I didn’t tell Graham that though, so I could hardly blame him for underperforming.He hasn’t missed for the other items,a voice in the back of my mind whispers. Man alive, whose team is that voice on?

I grab my copy of The List. There are fourteen items on the list; fifteen, if I count read to me. I draw a heart next to kiss me in the rain and notice that he only has five things left. I grab a notebook from my desk and start writing. I write down everything I can remember about the night of the football game and the bet. I write about the night I got scared and watched the movie with my parents. I write about paintballing, the meteor shower, the irrigation going off, the haunted house. I’ll have to ask my mom about printing some pictures to attach to the book. I want to remember everything. I grab the notes and start unfolding them, gluing them into the book. I try to not read them but words jump out at me. Favorite. Beautiful. Fun. List. Julia. Love. Crush. Kiss. I finish gluing the last sheet in and quickly close the book. I take a deep breath and grab my phone to text Chloe. I type out a quick message, asking her to come up here, but I hesitate before pressing send.Do I want to share this with anyone?Should I read the notes alone?I bite my lip, staring at my phone. I close out the message and open a new one.

Julia

Hey, can you come up here? I need your help with something.

I stare at my phone, willing the dots to pop up. Instead, I hear muffled footsteps on the stairs followed by a light knock.

“Julia?” Graham says, gently pushing the door open. “You need something?” His eyes meet mine and he looks nervous, hopeful, and excited. I wring my hands together before picking up the notebook. I hold it out for him to take, and he opens the door the rest of the way and sits on my bed. He holds the book, almost reverently, clearly waiting for more information. I sit there, watching him for a while.

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