Page 88 of If You Stayed

***

After Kierra left, I didn’t sleep.

I stayed up all night trying to make sense of the life that I’d forgotten and how much it influenced the life I now lived. How would things have been different if I knew about Elijah? What choices would I have made?

How could I look at my mother the same after this, too? It was all too much.

The next day at work, I was still lost in a whirlwind of confusion. As I walked into the hallway, I saw my mom coming my way. She was the last person I wanted to see. The moment I saw her, I felt sick to my stomach.

She raised an eyebrow. “Gabriel, what’s going on? You look—”

“Did I have a brother?”

The color drained from her face as she froze in place. Her mouth parted but no words came out. I knew the answer before she told me, but I needed to see how she’d respond once I brought it to her face-to-face.

I nodded once. “Yeah, all right.”

“Gabriel…” She reached toward me, but I pulled my arm away.

“Don’t touch me. Don’t talk to me. Just…” I released a weighted sigh. “Don’t.”

23

Kierra

Gabriel:Hey. Can we meet up to talk?

The moment Gabriel’s name appeared on my phone screen, I sat up straighter in my chair at the dining room table. I hadn’t heard from him in two weeks, since I’d told him everything about the accident. I didn’t think he’d reach out again, if I being honest.

I couldn’t blame him if he kept his distance.

Kierra:Of course. When and where?

Gabriel:Eight tonight at my place.

Kierra:See you soon.

***

I was nervous the whole time I drove over to his house, andwhen I showed up, he asked me if I wanted to sketch with him on the back patio. I agreed, and we walked around to where he had his sketchbooks set up.

We didn’t talk for a while. I wanted to give him the opportunity to speak when he was ready. Yet I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t holding my breath the whole time as I waited.

“What would’ve happened if you hadn’t left?” Gabriel asked after a while.

“What do you mean?”

“After it happened with Elijah…after the accident. After my mom pushed you away and I struggled to find myself. What do you think would’ve happened if you had stayed?”

My chest ached from the thought. I’d played that what-if game repeatedly for many, many years. I’d crafted images in my mind of what life could’ve looked like for us both. I visualized different scenarios. Ones where we baked fresh bread on Sunday mornings, and he attended my fashion shows on Friday nights. Ones where we laughed at stupid jokes over coffee and lay on the couch watching bad films. Ones where our kisses never stopped. Ones where forgiveness was possible. Ones where guilt no longer lived.

“We would’ve been happy,” I whispered. “Maybe not at first, but we would’ve found a way to be happy again.”

“I would’ve loved you through the dark days.”

I released a nervous chuckle because I knew that was true. Maybe that was why I left. I didn’t think I deserved the kind of love Gabriel would’ve given me. “I know,” I nodded. “You would’ve.”

“And you would’ve loved me through harsh nights.”

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