Page 69 of If You Stayed

Then again, who knew how much damage that would do? Who knew how much that would make him spiral. Besides, what was the point of telling him that we had a shared past? A whole life story where we existed as each other’s person. It wouldn’t change our current situation. If anything, it would pushhim away further. If he knew what I’d done all those years ago, if he remembered the accident, he would hate me. He would blame me the same way his mother did. That terrified me.

“And thank you, Gabriel. For being so kind to Ava. I know she struggles a bit with being social. Her anxiety gets to her. Probably a trait she sadly picked up from me,” I mentioned before taking another bite from my cookie.

His brow furrowed. “Are you okay, Kierra?”

I tilted my head. “What?”

“Are you okay?” he repeated.

Nothing else followed those three words. His brown eyes stayed locked with mine, packed with a tenderness that flipped my world upside down. I couldn’t remember the last time anyone outside of my family asked me those questions.

I didn’t answer. I didn’t know why, but I couldn’t bring myself to lie to him. So I remained quiet.

He frowned as he placed the plate of cookies down on the counter. Then he crossed his arms across his chest and leaned against the kitchen island. “Are you safe?”

Those words made me stumble backward slightly. “What?” I choked out with a slight shake to my head. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Before he could answer, Ava hollered from her bedroom. “Mom! I need you!”

Those words shook me away from the interaction completely as I fell back into my role as a mother. I didn’t have time to answer his questions. I didn’t have time to dive deeper into how I wasn’t okay and how I hadn’t ever felt safe.

Being a mother meant you pushed your own problems so far away to take care of others. Being a mother meant you lost yourself to save your babies. How dare Gabriel even ask me that type of question. Of course I was all right. It was the only thing us mothers were ever allowed to be—at least on the outside. On the outside we’d pretend that everything was amazing and wonderful, even though the world within us was crumbling into a million pieces.

“Sorry, I have to—” I started, but he shook his head.

He picked up the plate of cookies and held it out toward me. “Go ahead. I hope she’s feeling better. I’ll let myself out.”

I grabbed the plate and thanked him once more, before hurrying toward Ava’s bedroom.

“Mommmm!” she hollered again before I walked into her space.

“Is there a fire, or are you just really into yelling lately?” I remarked.

Ava sat on her bed with a box in front of her. Within said box were photo albums and old yearbooks. “What in the world are you doing with those?” I asked her, completely confused. I hadn’t seen those things in so long.

“Rosie dropped them off the other day. She said she was clearing out her parents’ garage and found some of your stuff that you stored there when you were in college together. I’ve been looking through it.”

I placed the plate of cookies on her dresser and then walked toward her. “Wow, I haven’t seen these in—”

“Mom,” she urged, looking at me as if I had three horns onmy head. “Are you kidding me? Are you really going to act like everything’s normal?”

I narrowed my eyes. “Is everything not normal?” I asked her, nervous that perhaps she’d overheard the argument between Henry and me earlier that morning. He shouted at me for showering before him, since he had a big meeting to get to. I didn’t yell back. I never did, and normally Henry wasn’t one to raise his voice when Ava was in the house, but his anxiety over his meeting was loud and clear that morning. I did my best to hide those moments from Ava.

“Of course, it’s not normal!” she said, tossing her hands up in defeat. “It’s very,veryfar from normal.”

I sighed and sat on the edge of her bed. “Listen, sweetheart—”

She slammed a stack of photographs into my hands. “When were you going to tell me that you and Gabriel knew each other?”

Her words left me in a tailspin as I looked down at the stack of pictures in my hand. Pictures of me and Gabriel as kids. Pictures of us as teenagers, wrapped in each other’s arms. In that moment, I was transported back to my childhood as I stared at his smile.

“Well?” she said. “Are you going to explain?”

“Ava…” I felt my stomach fill up with knots as I placed the photographs back in the box. “Don’t tell your father.”

“Were you two in love?” Ava asked, her words dripping in confusion. “Areyou two in love? Oh my gosh!” she gasped as she leaped up from the bed to begin pacing the room. “Are you two having an affair?” she shouted.

“Shhh!” I ordered as I leaped up and shut her bedroom door. “No, we are not having an affair. I would never do that, Ava. Come on, be serious.”

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