Page 120 of If You Stayed

I hated that she said those words, because I knew they were true.

Love wasn’t always perfect. It often came with bends and cracks. The greatest heartbreaks always came from love morethan they came from hatred.

That was why love was so hard to make sense of. It was dizzying, complex, and at times so damn difficult to grasp.

My mother left my office still struggling with a wave of emotional tears.

A part of me shouted at my stubborn heart for not saying, “I love you, too.”

32

Kierra

“Amma, what are you doing here?” I asked, staring at Gabriel’smom yet again in my office lobby. The moment I saw her, I felt defeated. I was too tired to defend myself to her. I was too tired to listen to her tell me what an awful person I’d been.

I was running on an empty tank of emotions and had little of myself to give. And any juice that was left in my tank had to be given to my clients. They didn’t deserve to suffer simply because my life was in flames. I’d been spending time with lawyers, making an exit strategy, making sure I had all my ducks in a row before filing for divorce. Tamera had mentioned how I should gather video footage of Henry attacking me over the past few weeks. With our home being a smart house, there would definitely be footage of Henry being violent toward me. So while Henry was gone, I’d go into his office and try to find any files that I could. I also had my own cameras set up for when he came back into town, just in case he became enraged again.

But I couldn’t focus on that with Amma in my office. Ineeded her to know I didn’t have time for whatever it was she was going to say to me.

“Listen, actually, don’t tell me why you’re here. I don’t have the time for a talk. Or for you to tell me how awful I am,” I blurted out. “Frankly, I can’t really take much more of hearing how terrible a human I am, and I don’t need you to—”

“I’m sorry,” she cut in, making me pause and shake my head in confusion.

“What?”

She stepped toward me. “I’m sorry. For everything. I’m sorry for being so cruel to you all those years ago. I’m sorry for blaming you for the accident, because it wasn’t your fault, Kierra. It was tragic, and painful, and traumatic, but it was never your fault.”

“I…” My words caught in my throat. I shook my head. “It was my fault. I should’ve been more careful on the road. I should’ve—”

“It was an icy street. You couldn’t foresee it, and you weren’t even the car that slid out of control. You loved my Elijah so much. I know you did, and you would’ve never wanted a hair on his head to be out of place.”

It was true.

Elijah felt like a gift not only to Amma and Gabriel, but also to me. He was the little brother I never had and always dreamed of. Everything about him was magical. From his unique imagination to his ability to make people laugh. From his kind, gentle heart, to his welcoming smile. Elijah was thedefinition of a perfect pure soul, and the world was a darker place without him.

“I loved him so much,” I whispered.

She nodded. “He loved you, too. And I’m sorry I put that on you. I’m sorry I let my own heartbreak crash into your life. I’m sorry I allowed you to carry that burden of blaming yourself for his death. It was an accident. You didn’t kill my son. It wasn’t your fault.”

It was an accident.

You didn’t kill my son.

It wasn’t your fault.

Three sentences that I’d dreamed of hearing from Amma were now rolling off her tongue. And just like that, small pieces of my own heart began to heal.

I rubbed my hand up and down my forearm. “I’m not sure what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. I just…I realized how much harm I’ve done. Seeing how heartbroken Gabriel is…I should’ve never sent you away.”

“You did what you thought was best.”

“That doesn’t mean it didn’t have dire consequences.” She moved in closer to me and placed a hand on my arm. “Kierra…my son’s in love with you. He’s been in love with you for a very long time. And I’m sorry that I interrupted your love story. But if you give him a chance…I know he’d love you, and love you right, for the rest of your life.”

I believed her. Not because of her words, but because I knew who Gabriel had been. I didn’t need him to tell me heloved me because I felt it in his actions. I saw it in his eyes. The only good thing over the past few weeks, other than Ava, was the fact that my dreams took me back to him. Some nights, I’d close my eyes and dream of his lips, of his arms wrapped tightly around me. In my dreams, we were everything we deserved to be. We were in love, we were happy, we were forever intertwined with always.

I hated when I woke each day, because that was the problem with dreams—they didn’t lead to reality. They just remained within the darkness.

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