Page 118 of If You Stayed

“Once Henry was born, Jack was gentle again. He was kind and attentive. He promised me he’d never hurt me again. For a few years, he held on to that promise, too. For a while, I felt as if I had my husband back again. That was until he lost his job,and I realized that whenever something bad happened, he’d need a punching bag. That punching bag was me.”

“He was a monster.”

“He was, yet I stayed… I stayed until his very end. Do you know how often I used to daydream about what my life would be like if I had left? Do you know the dreams I’d used to dream?” She shook her head in awe as the stars sparkled over our heads. “If I’d left, I would’ve gone back to school. I would’ve finished my nursing degree. If I’d left, I would’ve raised Henry in a small apartment that wasn’t luxurious, but it would be mine and mine alone. I would’ve dated. Oh, my gosh, I would’ve dated so many different types of men until I found one that felt right to me. I would’ve fallen in love, too. A real love that didn’t hurt. A kind of love that healed the broken pieces. We both wouldn’t have been perfect, but we would’ve been perfect for each other. If I’d left, I wouldn’t have years of trauma to unpack. My load of scars would’ve been lighter. My bruises would’ve not been as deep. If I’d left, I would’ve been happier sooner.”

She turned her body toward mine and took my hands in hers as she continued to speak. “Now, Kierra, I can’t tell you what would happen if you left. That’s your story to write, your tale to create. Your pages are blank if you leave, and you get to create that narrative. But I can tell you what will happen if you stay.” Her voice lowered as she brushed away the tears rolling down my cheeks. The sincerity of each word from her made my broken heart keep beating. “If you stay, he won’t change for the better. If you stay, he’ll still hurt you. If you stay, he’ll stillhit you. If you stay, you’ll lose more and more of your brilliant light.”

I nodded and whispered lightly. “I know.”

“But that’s not all,” she swore. “If you stay, Ava will notice. If you stay, she’ll witness his actions. Maybe not at first, but she will eventually. If you stay, he won’t even try to hide it from her. If you stay, she might try to stop him. If you stay, she might get pushed if she tries to intervene. If you stay, he might shove her. Hit her. Kick her. Punch her, too. If you stay, her spirit will start to break. If you stay, she’ll either see herself in you and allow men to treat her that way, or she’ll become ashamed of you and push you away or blame you for not being strong enough to go. If you stay, you might not only lose yourself, but Ava may lose her light, too.”

“You don’t get it, though,” I whispered, brushing away my tears. “If I go, he said he’ll keep her from me. She’s my daughter, but not on paper. On paper she’s his, and I’d lose her. That’s why I’ve stayed so long. That’s why I put up with everything I have, because the only thing I want in this world is my daughter. I can’t lose her. She’s my world.”

“You won’t lose her, sweetheart.”

“Yes, I will. I know I will.”

“No,” Tamera said sternly, “you won’t. Because when you leave, she’s going with you. I will fight tooth and nail to make sure that she does. You aren’t leaving him on your own, Kierra. This isn’t all on you. You’re walking away with a team of people who love you. Who will fight when you feel weak. Who will speak up for you when your own voice shakes. I promise you.And Ava is old enough to stand up in court and speak for herself, and I know she’ll choose you.”

“How can you be certain of that?”

“Because she told me so. She’d choose you over and over again, in every lifetime. Just like I would.”

I stared down at my hands and shook my head. “But he’s your son…”

“Yes,” she agreed. “But you are my family.” She placed a finger beneath my chin and tilted my head up to look her in the eyes. “And it’s about time for you to learn how to breathe again. All I need is for you to say the word. Say you want to get away, and I’ll put the wheels in motion. Say you want out, and we’ll make a way.”

“Okay.” I nodded slowly as trembles found my voice. “I want out.”

Tears rolled down Tamera’s cheeks. She cupped my face in her hands and smiled as she kissed my forehead. “Brave girl. Brave, brave girl.”

***

Tamera made dinner for Ava and me. Afterward, Ava and I lay out in the hammock for a few hours, staring up at the stars. We swayed slightly as she rested her head on my shoulder.

“I’m glad you came over, Mom,” she whispered as she fiddled with the sleeves of her shirt. “I love Grandma, but I really needed you, too, tonight.”

“I know, sweetheart. I’m sorry it took me so long to gethere.” I hesitated as I bit my bottom lip. “Can we have a grown-up conversation?”

She glanced my way and narrowed her eyes. “I’ve been wanting you to do that for years. I’m not a silly kid anymore, Mom.”

“I know, but sometimes when I look at you, I still see my little five-year-old girl who I want to protect from all harm, no matter what.”

“Yeah, but then who’s protecting you?”

I smiled a sad smile and kissed her forehead. A small sigh rippled between my lips. “I’m leaving your father.”

She sat up slightly, making the hammock rock more. “What? Really?”

I nodded. “Yeah. But it’s complicated. When your father and I married, we signed a prenuptial agreement and it states that if there were a divorce, he would get full custody of you.”

“What? No way. I don’t want to go with him. I hate him,” she barked out, sitting up completely, almost tossing the hammock all the way over. She stood. “He can’t do that. You’re my mom.”

“I know, sweetheart. It’s just a paragraph in a document that he has hung over my head for a long time. But…I spoke with a lawyer. He told me that a clause in a prenuptial agreement attempting to stipulate the rights of a stepparent in a future child custody case would likely not be enforced. There’s a lot of complexities when it comes to parental rights and custody cases.”

The fear in Ava’s eyes settled. “Oh. Okay, good.”

“But if your father gets his way, he might drag this out and keep his threats coming. You might have to testify in court that you want to be with me. I know that’s a lot to ask—”

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