Page 13 of Landon & Shay: Part Two

“Okay.” I nodded, shifting in my seat. “So, about Shay…”

December 8th, 2004

Satan,

I can’t believe it’s been seven months since I last held you in my arms. Still haven’t won the lottery, but I keep buying scratch-off tickets every time I go to the gas station. Fingers crossed!

My first semester of college is almost over, and I’m still amazed I didn’t chicken out of my creative writing major. Just promise that if I end up homeless down the line with a creative writing degree, you’ll stop by me and still give me chocolate? That will help my troubled heart.

The other day, Raine, Tracey, and I were watching TV, and would you believe it? We saw someone with a striking resemblance to you on a Calvin Klein commercial. Jesus, Landon! You’re in commercials! Commercials! My gosh, I’m so proud of you. Raine started shouting when she saw it, jumping up and down on the couch like a monkey.

Me? I started crying because I’m so happy and inspired by you. I’m so proud. Also, I cried a little because now the world knows about the magic of those abs beneath your shirt, and I am going to have to fight off the fangirls more and more. I’ve been lifting in the gym lately to get ready. I’m not afraid to pull out a woman’s extensions if she crosses a line.

Seriously, though, you’re amazing. Watching you live out your dream is so amazing to me.

I miss you. I miss you so much, and I feel like we are both even busier than before with school and you taking over the acting world, but man, am I happy when one of your letters appears in the mailbox.

I know we have our calls and our text messages, but these letters feel special to me. I like having a collection of things I can reread whenever missing you becomes too much. I can feel your love through the words, and you know how much words mean to me.

Speaking of words, I finished my favorite script of all time the other day, and I am insanely afraid to let go of it just yet. I’m not ready for the rejection of something I’m so proud of, not yet, at least. I’m going to sit on this one for a bit and hold it close to me before I release it to the wolves.

Oh, also the girls and I are renting a townhouse next semester. I’m looking forward to more space. It’s a hole in the wall, but it will be our hole in the wall. I hope you can come see it soon.

But yes, I’m happy, and proud, and desperately missing you, but not enough to request your return while you’re living your dreams. Besides, sometimes it’s nice to have someone to miss. Makes the reunion that much sweeter.

Love you times two.

-Chick

P.S. I tossed in some Starbursts. Only the pinks and reds because that’s how much I love you.

P.P.S. My father called me a number of times this week. I didn’t answer, but almost wanted to a few times. I’m working through that in my head right now. I want to know what he wanted to say, but also I want to know why I even care.

March 17th, 2005

Chick,

Happy St. Paddy’s!

I hope you’re at some totally cliché college party and drinking green beer in celebration.

Today we are filming in Amsterdam. It’s my first real big role, and we’ll be out here for the next few months. It’s crazy how beautiful it is over here. When I get a chance, I’m going to bring you to Europe. I’m going to take you everywhere. I want to show you the whole world, Shay.

I want to say that everything about the acting world has been amazing, but some days, it’s hard. I miss not having my therapist here, but we have Skype calls whenever we can fit them in. Some days, my anxiety takes over, and I worry about my mind slipping away again, but I’ve learned some pretty good coping techniques to tame my nerves.

As far as the acting goes, I’m not perfect. Every time I mess up, I get really down on myself, thinking I’m wasting people’s time and money, which, I probably am doing. Everything in the world of Hollywood is about those two things—time and money. After each shoot, I go back to my hotel room and overthink how I could’ve been better.

Dr. Smith says that’s a bad thing to do, trying to rework the past when I can just apply what I’ve learned to the future. Still, I struggle. One second at a time, I guess.

It’s hard to tell what’s real and what’s fake in this place, in the world of actors. It’s hard to tell if people really like you, or if they are just acting, if they are just trying to network or build an actual authentic connection and friendship. Everything comes with a layer of mystery to it, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. I miss real. I miss raw. I miss you.

Speaking of you, in the last two letters I sent you, I asked for your screenplay to read, and I get the feeling you casually ignored that request. I know it’s great, Shay, and maybe I can figure out a way to get it in the right hands of someone in the industry.

I know you’re afraid of giving it to the wolves, but remember, I’m a sheep in wolf’s clothing. I’ll take care of your baby.

I tossed some Belgian chocolate into the package, and I’m praying they don’t melt. I also added some chocolates from Switzerland for Raine, seeing as she claims to be Switzerland and prides herself in keeping her nose out of other people’s business.

When I get back to the US and get a real break, I’m coming for you.

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