Page 106 of Landon & Shay: Part Two

As we sat there, Landon didn’t look like one of the world’s best actors. He looked like a regular human being, enjoying his time with me.

I pulled my knees into my chest and hugged them. “What happened to you, Landon?”

“What do you mean?”

“All those years ago… What happened to you? Why did you disappear?” He lowered his head and flinched a small bit. Obviously nervous about the question. “You don’t have to answer.”

“Yes, I do. Even though it’s still sometimes hard to bring up, I want you to know. It matters to me that you know the truth even though it’s hard to speak about.”

I shut off the television, moved in closer to him, and took his hands into mine. “I’m not going anywhere regardless of what you say. I’m here. I’m listening.”

He swallowed, his Adam’s apple moving against his throat, and he began speaking. “After my father passed away, I lost my way, but I tried to pretend I was fine. I didn’t want to worry people anymore. My father’s words kept playing over and over again in my head, that I’d let people down. That there was a time limit for those people who cared about my issues. That I was weak and would end up alone. So, I tried to push away my depression instead of facing it.”

He turned to face me and gave me a broken smile as he continued. “I thought if I kept working nonstop, I’d be okay. I figured if I stopped going to therapy and stopped dragging up my past, I’d be fine. I could focus on work and nothing else. I could put on a mask, appear happy to the world, and avoid dealing with the darkness inside me.”

Oh, Landon…

I knew that had to be it, but still it broke me as it happened.

“I, um, I became so good at pretending I was happy that I stopped taking my medicine. I assumed I didn’t need it and could keep the act going strong. But…it turned out I couldn’t. I remember being at a party one of the cast members was throwing. It was a stupid thing, really. All the actors were much more seasoned than me, and they were reading mean tweets that were posted about them, having a good laugh.

“Then it came my time to read my mean tweets, which I’d need looked into, and fuck…” He took a deep breath and rubbed his fingers against mine. “That was hard. Not only was I dealing with my father’s criticism, but now I had strangers around the world telling me how I wasn’t good enough, and I allowed it to crush me. ‘Landon Pace is a wannabe actor and can’t deliver a line to save his life.’ ‘The world would be better if Landon Pace wasn’t on this earth because that movie was a bomb.’ ‘Landon Pace is a piece of shit who no one would miss if he died.’ The list went on and on, and I couldn’t handle it, not without my meds, or my real people who cared about me. I went home with dark, dark thoughts. Darker than I’d ever had. Next thing I knew, I woke up in a hospital bed, after having my stomach pumped.”

“Oh my gosh, Landon.” My hands shot to my chest as he unfolded the story I wasn’t ready to hear. “You overdosed?”

He nodded. “Not on purpose, but yeah. I’d come home with my mind moving a million miles per hour, and I took my depression pills to try to slow down my thoughts. It didn’t help that I was drunk off my ass.”

“I would’ve never thought… Every time I saw you on the internet, you looked so happy.”

“The joys of acting,” he joked. “No one can tell when you’re really happy or just playing a role.”

He rubbed the back of his neck. “We were already so far into post-production with my film with Sarah, and they didn’t want the overdose scandal to get out. So, they redirected the narrative and made it appear as if Sarah and I were a couple. After those pictures, I checked into an inpatient psych center like the one Karla’s at, and got back on track with my meds. I started seeing Dr. Smith again, too. It was the worst period of my life, and I had to fight like hell to come back from it, but I did.”

A heavy pit of confusion settled in the bottom of my stomach. “Why didn’t you come back to me? Why did you push me away? I would’ve understood. You could’ve explained it all to me.”

His blues looked up at me with a gentleness I hadn’t seen before. He tilted his head and shrugged. “You deserved to be happy. When I showed up to explain things, I knew I was too late. You were laughing with some guy, and I was still pretty messed up in the head. I knew if I saw you, there wouldn’t be a lot of laughing for a while. There would be a lot of pain, of struggle with you trying to hold me up while I fell apart, and I didn’t want that for you. I didn’t want to be your burden anymore.”

Some guy?

My mind started racing back to my college years, trying to pinpoint what guy he was talking about. The only guy who came to mind was Jason, and we were never anything more than friends even though he wanted more. He’d come over a few times to see if we could make something work, but nothing ever developed into more than friendship.

“Landon.” I moved in closer to him, taking his hands into mine. My forehead rested against his as his breaths brushed against my skin. “I would’ve taken our hard days over happy days with any other person in this world.”

“I know. That’s why I had to walk away. You would’ve given up your happiness to swim in my darkness, and I didn’t want that for you. I wanted to be able to give you the happy days more than the sad, so I had to walk away. I had to get right with my mind and learn how to lean on myself than lean on you. But do understand…even though I had a lot of bad days, the worst day of my life was when I had to walk away from you.”

Our hands clasped together, and I closed my eyes as his words embedded themselves into my heart and soul. I moved in even closer to the point that I was in his lap, and his hands were wrapped around me.

Our lips brushed against one another as my heart began pounding wildly within my chest. “Tell me your biggest truth, and I’ll tell you mine.” I sighed against his mouth, gentle kisses rolling against him.

“I never stopped missing you,” he confessed, his hands making small circles against my lower back. “I never stopped dreaming about you,” he whispered as his mouth moved to my neck. “I never stopped wanting you,” he promised. “And I never stopped loving you.”

“I love you, too, Landon,” I confessed, feeling so raw, exposed, and protected in his arms. “More than words, I love you. I tried to bury it. I tried to delete it from my heart, but that heart? It still beats for you. It always has, and it always will.”

“Give me another chance to prove to you that I’m man enough to care for your heartbeats?” His voice was timid and low as he locked eyes with me.

“Yes, but please…” I took a deep inhalation. “Go slow.”

Later that night, he led me to my bedroom. He undressed my body as I undressed his, and we lay naked and exposed to one another. Our truths displayed with every touch we shared. As he thrust into me that night, I felt it. I felt his warmth, his promises, and his love, and I hoped to the heavens above that he felt mine, too.

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