Page 20 of Landon & Shay: Part One

Instead, I walked to the edge of the pool into the pool, fully clothed, and jumped in. I soaked myself from head to toe, and then I went under. I never used the diving board, because it messed with my head too much. I swam deep and stayed under the water as long as I could. I’d jumped into that pool every single night since Lance passed away. I was good at staying under. It was what I’d spent the last few months of my life doing—holding my breath.

5

Landon

You ever liein bed with no desire at all to get up?

When morning came, I was tired.

Not only physically, but my mind yawned, too.

I shouldn’t have had a party. I shouldn’t have made that stupid bet. I should’ve taken Greyson up on a night of video games and pizza.

I hadn’t slept. I’d closed my eyes for a bit but opened them right up when the visions of the past kept knocking on my brain.

When the sun rose, my phone screen was full of messages from people who thought they were my friends, telling me about how amazing the party had been. None of those people were my friends, though. Greyson, Eric, and Hank were the only people I’d ever consider such a thing, and we’d known each other for pretty much all of our lives. Everyone else was just shadows that passed by me day by day. White noise.

I didn’t reply to any of the messages, because they weren’t really talking to me. They were talking to the person I pretended to be on the regular. They talked to the rich boy who hooked them up with weed and booze. They talked to the rich boy who gave them popularity cred. They talked to the rich boy who changed their social status.

If they’d been talking to the real me, they wouldn’t have been impressed by the fact that it took every inch of strength for me to pull myself out of bed each morning. For a while, I wondered if it was this hard for everyone—getting up each day, dragging oneself out of bed. There were days when all I wanted to do was bury myself deeper into the blankets and not emerge from my room until weeks had passed. I couldn’t sleep, but I wanted to sit there in bed, alone with my dark mind. That was what I wanted to do that Sunday morning: be alone, stay in bed. Yet, when I saw the messages from my parents, I knew I had to pull my shit together before Maria came over.

Mom:I got text messages and calls from our neighbors about a party. Are you okay? Call me when you get this. Love you.

Dad’s message was a bit different.

Dad:Get your fucking act together.

Love you too, Papa.

I glanced at the time—it was already 10:01 a.m.

I sat up and called Mom. She answered on the first ring. She always answered on the first ring. “Hey, Landon.”

“Hey, Mom.”

“How are you? How are things there? The neighbors seemed concerned.” Her voice dripped with worry.

“I’m okay. Things just got a little out of control, that’s all. Sorry.”

“It’s fine as long as you’re doing okay.”

“A few vases broke,” I told her.

“Oh, honey, that’s okay…those are just material things. Those can be replaced. I’m more concerned about you.” She got interrupted by someone in the background and began talking about different kinds of fabrics. When she came back to our call, she asked me if I needed her to come home.

I said no.

She was too busy making her dreams come true. I didn’t want her to come home to my nightmares.

“Okay, well, sweetheart, call me before you go to bed tonight, or whenever you need me. I’m here. I love you. Remember, I’m just one call away. I love you.”

“You too,” I said before hanging up.

I headed to the bathroom attached to my bedroom and hopped in the shower. As the water ran against my skin, I didn’t think about anything. I didn’t have the energy to have many thoughts that morning. I was tired to my core in a way I hadn’t known one could be tired. I hadn’t known a mind could be so drained when it didn’t really do much thinking at all. My bones ached from exhaustion, and my eyes shut as the water slapped against my body.

After I washed up, I got dressed and moved throughout the house, doing my best to straighten things up. I collected all the empty beer cans and vodka bottles and tossed them into garbage bags. Then, I pulled out the mop and vacuum, following that up with scrubbing the disgusting toilets throughout the house.

High school kids were repulsive, especially when it wasn’t their own property they were trashing.

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