Page 131 of Landon & Shay: Part One

There was a heavy fear in my stomach as I sat on the diving board. I hadn’t climbed it since Lance had taken his life. On that very board was where my uncle held his last thoughts. Where he took his last breaths. Where he let go.

I didn’t want to be like him.

I didn’t want to let go.

But I was so fucking sad that my heart felt as if it was trying to claw its way out of my damn chest.

Still, I didn’t want to let go.

Tears started falling down my cheeks as I sat there, thinking about Lance, thinking about me, and thinking about the parallels that we shared in our lives. Then, I thought of Shay’s words in those notebooks. How she called me my own person. How she swore I was unique, how she said I didn’t have to walk in the footsteps of my past loved ones.

Then, I thought of Maria and the promise she had me make to her.

“I’m not him,” I told myself. “I’m not Lance. I’m not him. I’m not him…I’m…not…him…”

I blinked my eyes shut and took a few deep inhalations.

Then, I opened my eyes, reached into my pocket, and pulled out my cell phone. I dialed a number rapidly, and when it started ringing, I let out a breath.

“Hey, Mom.”

“Hey, Landon. You okay?” Mom asked quickly. There must’ve been something off in my voice based on how quick she was to ask me if I was okay.

“I, um…” I cleared my throat and scratched the back of my neck. “No. I’m not okay. I…I need you.”

Her voice became alarmed, and I heard her start ruffling around. “Okay, okay. I’m coming, honey. I’m coming. Are you at home?”

“Yes.”

“Stay there, sweetheart. I’m booking a plane ticket now. I’m on my way to you.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

“Always, baby. Always, always, always. I love you, I love you,” she told me.

“I love you, I love you,” I replied.

Mom called Greyson to come sit with me until she made it home. Greyson called Eric. Eric called Hank. Hank came with Raine.

I climbed down the diving board, and the four of them wrapped their arms around me and held onto me so tight. I cried into their arms like a fucking child, but they didn’t mock me or laugh at my weakness.

They simply held on stronger.

It blew my mind how people unrelated to me could still be my brothers and sisters. Maybe not by blood, but by heart. Something had to be said about friends who never left your side, even when your storm was wild enough to strike their souls, too.

“I’m sorry I’m so fucked up, you guys,” I sniffled, feeling embarrassed by my breakdown.

“Hey, man.” Eric patted me on the back and shrugged. Then, he offered me the words I’d given him a few weeks back. “Whatever you are is good enough for us.”

I didn’t deserve them. I didn’t deserve their love.

But still, they gave it freely.

31

Shay

“Landon askedme to give you this letter,” Mima said after she returned from his place. I was glad that my grandmother checked in on him every Sunday. I had a feeling he needed it a lot that afternoon.

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