Page 18 of Behind the Bars

“Like, realhot.”

He groaned again. “That makes no sense, because you’re so ugly,” hejoked.

I laughed. “So ugly, which is why she’s just a girl friend, not agirlfriend.”

“Well, it sounds like you like her. So, here’s what you do: when you see her tonight, tell her she looks hot. Chicks love being told they look hot. Oh, and order her a salad—chicks lovelettuce.”

That was exactly what I wouldn’tdo.

Jason knew less about girls than I did, which wasn’t much to begin with anyway. Everything I knew about girls, I’d learned from Katie, the biggest feminist in the world. She told me I had to respect women, because they deserved respect. She always told me Dad had never respected Mom, and that was why Mom had lefthim.

“Just be better than him, Eli. You don’t have to be the best man in the world, you just gotta do better thanDad.”

That wasn’t asking for toomuch.

“Does she have a chubby best friend for your chubby best friend?” Jasonasked.

I rolled my eyes. “I’m not even gonna answerthat.”

“I’d like you to know that since I moved away, I’m down two pounds and four ounces. I’m getting slim as hell. I think hanging out with you and your mom’s cooking was making mefat.”

That was a possibility—Mom certainly likedbutter.

“Anyway,” Jason said, changing the subject, because his mind was floaty. “after you tell her she’s hot, make sure you have condoms. You’ll needcondoms.”

“What? No, I won’t. Anyway, I wouldn’t even know where to getcondoms.”

“Just check your sister’s tampon box. That’s where my sister keeps hers,” he said matter-of-factly.

I cocked an eyebrow. “Why were you in your sister’s tamponbox?”

“Safe sex first, questions later,” Jason told me, as if he were a sex professional. If there was anything I knew for certain, it was that Jason and I were both the last two virgins in the history of virgins. Him moving to Nebraska hadn’t changed thatfact.

“We aren’t having sex!” I told him again. “She d-doesn’t like me likethat.”

“Fine, but if you do want her to like you like that, you gotta smooth your way into her life. Oh! You know what you should do? Take her to yourspot!”

“Myspot?”

“You know, your spot, behind the bars, where you listen to themusic.”

“What? No way. It’s dirty backthere.”

“Or romantic, if you do it the right way. I’m just saying, buddy, it’s not every day a hot girl talks to guys like us. You gotta carpee damum themoment.”

“You mean carpediem?”

“God, Elliott, I’m glad to see you stopped being such a nerd since Ileft.”

I heard Jason’s mom call him and he hurried away, saying he had to get dinner. I shut off my game and went to shower to get ready for my show and non-date.

When I finished my shower and got dressed, Mom smiled my way. “If I’d known you’d up your hygiene for a girl, I would’ve had you dating a long timeago.”

“We aren’t dating,” I groaned. “She’s just a friend. And I always showeredbefore.”

“Always is a stretch,” she joked. “Soon enough you’ll be wanting cologne to impressher.”

Cologne…

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