Page 129 of Behind the Bars

“Yes,” he confessed, pulling me closer. “But it’s easier with you. Everything is always easier withyou.”

Chapter Forty-Three

Elliott

“What are you doing here?”Mom asked the morning she was going to visit Todd. She shook her head back and forth. “Now, Eli, I love you, but if you’re here to talk me out ofthis…”

“I’mnot.”

“Then why are youhere?”

I stuffed my hands into my pockets and swayed back and forth. “It’s a two-and-a-half drive to the Louisiana State Penitentiary. I thought you might enjoy somecompany.”

Her eyes widened. “What?”

“You didn’t really think I’d let you do this alone, did you?” Tears fell down her cheeks and she covered her mouth with the palm of her hand, overtaken by emotion. I smiled. “Come on, Ma. Don’tcry.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry…it’s just…” She took a deep breath. “I really need you today, Eli. I didn’t want to ask, but I need you so much. For so long, I’d thought I lost you. For so long I thought you weregone.”

“I’m back,” I promised her. “I’m back, and I’m sorry it t-took me so long, because I’ve missed you. You’re the most amazing human I’ve ever known,” I toldher.

“Eli…” Her eyes watered over, but I continuedspeaking.

“I spent years trying to get strong. I thought strength came from the physical aspects of life. I thought strength came from weightlifting, boxing, being able to fight back with my fists, but all this time, I was wrong.” I cleared my throat, trying to hold in my own emotions as Mom’s poured out. “I’ve learned that being strong is getting out of bed each day when your world’s falling apart. I’ve learned that being strong is showing up on your son’s birthday, even when he’sdistant.

“Being strong is loving the broken pieces of your loved ones. Being strong is crying yourself to sleep at night and waking each morning still believing in beauty. Being strong is forgiveness. What you’re doing today—that is strength. You are all of t-this, Ma. You are my rock, my hero. Without you, I’d be nothing. When we lost Katie, you lost me, too, and I’m so so-sorry about that. I’m so sorry for all I’ve put youthrough.”

“It’s okay, Elliott. I’d do it again in a heartbeat if it meant you’d come back to us all. I’d walk through it all again for you…always foryou.”

I smiled. “I know you would, because you are the definition of strength.” I walked over to her and pulled her into a hug, and she held on tight, as if she’d been terrified she’d never be able to hold me close again. “You have her smile,” I whispered. “You have her smile,Mom.”

“And you have hereyes.”

I held her as long as she needed me to, and then I continued to hold her somemore.

We drove to the prison, and when we arrived, a team was waiting to search us, making sure we didn’t have any kind of weapons or illegal items. That was a wake-up call. I’d never been to a prison, and the moment we arrived, it feltterrifying.

Todd’s mom was waiting for us inside. She was skinny, sickly looking, and I’d never seen a pair of blue eyes that looked sosad.

“Um, hi, I…um.” She stuttered over her words and her body shook. Every part of her was broken; she was nothing like the woman I remembered. “I…thank you. Thank you for coming,” she finally pushedout.

Mom didn’t say anything, but she offered Marie a smallsmile.

My heart was racing as they signed us in for our visit. We walked through a set of metal detectors, and we were led down a hallway then placed in front of a glass partition. There were two seats in front of the window, and Marie waved for us to sit down as she stood behindus.

A staff member walked through the door, and Todd was with him. His hands were handcuffed together, and his feet were shackled,too.

I wanted to vomit, seeing him. I wanted to run away and never face the past again, but Mom needed this closure. She needed to let go, and maybe I didn’t understand her way of healing, but I loved her enough to stay by herside.

Todd looked worse than his mom. His face was covered in facial hair, his skin was pale, and he was almost a skeletal. As he sat down, he cleared his throat. He lifted the telephone on his side, and Mom did the same. As he spoke to her, tears began to fall down her cheeks, and I could only hear herreplies.

“Yes. Thank you. I know.” At one point, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. I took her hand and linked it with mine, giving it a squeeze. Once they finished talking, they both glanced over to me. Mom pulled the phone from her ear. “He wants to speak withyou.”

With hesitation, I took the phone in my hand, and placed it against myear.

“Hello?”

“Hey, man…” Todd said nervously. He kept shifting around in his seat, unable to stay still. “Wow, you really be-beefed up, huh?” he stuttered, his nerves swallowing him whole. He laughed. “I mean, I doubt anyone’s bullying youanymore.”

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