Page 61 of Behind the Bars

He’d never know how much that meant to me. Whenever I’d start to cry, he’d pat me on the back and turn his head away so I wouldn’t see his own tears. Katie was Jason’s first crush, the girl he thought he’d someday end up with after life lined up for the two of them. She was the first girl to ever tell him he was good enough the way he was, and she was the first girl to ever call him handsome. He loved her, and I wasn’tsurprised.

How could anyone not love her? She was everything good in a badworld.

“They are, um, the lawyer Mom got wants to charge the guys as adults inst-instead of minors,” I toldJason.

He grimaced. “That’s still notenough.”

“No,” I agreed. “Not enough atall.”

Letting someone sit in a prison cell didn’t seem like justice to me, not when it was supposed to be the justice for taking my sister’slife.

For the remainder of my life I’d be trapped in the prison of my guilt. I’d be trapped behind the bars of my mind, unable to break free from the damage that had been done to my heart andsoul.

Yet still, that wasn’tenough.

Not enough atall.

We stood in the cemetery for a long time until Mom was ready to say goodbye to Katie…until I was ready to saygoodbye.

“When my grandpa died, I remember being really sad that I never got to say goodbye. So, my mom turned to me and said, ‘Never goodbye, always goodnight until we wake again.’” He knitted his eyebrows and he shrugged. “I never understood what that really meant until now. You’re not saying goodbye forever, Eli. Just good night fornow.”

I lowered my head. “That doesn’t make iteasier.”

“No,” he agreed. “It doesn’t. But maybe someday itwill.”

Death was such a foreign creature. You knew it was a sad thing for people, but you never truly understood the grief until it washed up against your shore. Then, once you saw the strange being, you wished you could go back in time to all the others who’d lost someone close and apologize for not giving them any extra comfort. I wasn’t sure who death hurt more—the ones who left, or the ones who had to staybehind.

As each day passed, I realized how impossible it was to ever really get over missing someone. There were always the small reminders that brought the loved one rushing back to the forefront. Maybe it was the way someone laughed in a supermarket or danced poorly. Perhaps it was the way you could be sitting alone in a dark room, missing the warmth of your loved one, so you’d cry alone in the darkness. Or it was the way you could be standing at a party with a lot of people, surrounded by love and happiness, and out of nowhere you fell apart because the celebration cake was purple andpurple was their favoritecolor.

In a way, it was as if our loved ones never truly left. They were within everything, withineveryone.

I wasn’t sure yet if that was a blessing or acurse.

* * *

It tookseven days for Mom to be able to stand in front of me and not cry. One night, she came into my doorway and crossed herarms.

“I’m sorry,” she toldme.

“I’m sorry,” Ireplied.

Her eyes glassed over, but she didn’t cry. “It’s not because of you, Eli. I just need you to know that. But when I look at you…” She took a deep inhale and released it as a heavy sigh. “Your beautiful eyes. You have your sister’s beautiful eyes. And I guess that’s hard for me. But I’m working on it. Okay? I just want you to know, I’m working on being better. For you. Always foryou.”

She walked over to me and kissed my forehead. “You are my world. Do you knowthat?”

I nodded. “Yes.”

After that talk, each night, Mom would come check on me. She’d smile my way and be the bravest woman I’d ever known. She’d tell me none of it was my fault. She’d say she loved me fully. She’d beg for me not to blame myself for something the devil had laid on our doorstep. She’d say it without a single tear falling from her eyes as the sadness poured out ofme.

Then, she’d stand up, kiss my forehead, and tell me to try to get somerest.

Later, I’d hearher.

She kept her tears locked away from me, but I always heard her crying in herbedroom.

So, I’d check onher.

I’d smile her way and be the bravest man I could be. I’d tell her none of it was her fault. I’d say I loved her fully. I’d beg for her not to blame herself for something the devil had laid on our doorstep. I’d say it without a single tear falling from my eyes as the sadness poured out ofher.

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