Page 134 of Behind the Bars

She was everything to me, she was my queen, but I knew it was time for the palace to crumble. I needed to let go of her, I needed to allow my heart to break, in order for it to heal. And to do that, I had to feel itall.

As I sang, I put my everything into the performance—my soul, my heart, my darkness. I gave way to every part of the harsh relationship between my mother and me. I remembered every second of pain and every glimpse of happiness. I relived it as the words fell from mylips.

I loved her and didn’t regret it. I never would, but I was ready to move on. Therefore, I said goodbye. She’d be a ghost in my memories that sometimes brought me comfort, and other times she’d bring me pain. But no matter what, she was mypast.

It was now time to let go and move on to myfuture.

When I finished singing, Elliott smiled at me, giving mecomfort.

“You found it,” hesaid.

I nodded. “Yes.”

“Found what?” Trevorbarked.

I looked over to Mama and released a weighted sigh I’d been holding all my life. “I found mytruth.”

Closure was an odd concept. In my mind, I always believed closure came when both parties spoke from their hearts, and let go together. I thought there couldn’t be full closure if one party wasn’t willing to open up and express their truths, but that wasn’t what closure was—not really. Closure wasn’t a fairy-tale ending with equal goodbyes. Closure was simply one person finding their voice, their own strength, and learning to let go bythemselves.

Closure was one person writing the ending to a very toxic song, and never replaying it in their souls. The best kind of closure was being brave enough to start a new song with new lyrics and a beautifulmelody.

Closure was moving on, and it was now time for me to do exactlythat.

* * *

Elliottand I stepped outside onto the porch, and he held me in his arms. As I fell against his chest, I didn’t cry. I just held on tight. “That was hard,” I saidsoftly.

“I know. You did good, though. I’m proud of you. Are youokay?”

“Yes,” I told him truthfully. “Iam.”

“Good.” He let me go and nodded toward the street. “Because I think he would’ve started a war if you weren’tokay.”

I looked up and saw Ray leaning against a car. My eyes shot to Elliott. “You toldhim?”

“I had to. Figured you could use your Dadtoday.”

Ray smiled my way and walked over with his hands stuffed in his pockets. “You have a good day, SnowWhite?”

I smiled, and raced over to him, pulling him into a hug. “Yes,” I whispered. “I had a goodday.”

Maybe it wasn’t the norm, but I had a family. A family that my heart created, a family that cared for me through the darkness and the light, a family that would go to war forme.

My heart was filled with love, and the best feeling in the world was knowing that their hearts loved me,too.

Chapter Forty-Five

Elliott

Our first officialfamily dinner took place on Katie’s birthday. It only seemed right to remember her while we expanded our family, and everyone came to celebrate and process together. Kelly, Jason, TJ, Mom, Ray, Jasmine, and I all sat around the new table in TJ’s diningroom.

Everyone shared their favorite stories of Katie, but we didn’t just live in the past with our conversations; we also looked to the future. We planned for tomorrow, because we were no longer trapped behind the bars ofyesterday.

True freedom came once you learned the final stage of grief:acceptance.

I’d never thought I’d make it there, and I never thought I’d understand what true acceptance meant. It didn’t mean just coming to terms with the tragedy that rocked your world sideways. It didn’t mean tossing all that pain to theside.

It meant accepting a new form of happiness. It meant allowing yourself to cry, yet also being so joyful that you sometimes thought your heart wouldexplode.

---