Page 9 of If It Can't Be Us

“What?” Her voice is filled with sadness.

“I don’t know. I just…” I stutter. “I can’t be here anymore. I feel like I’m suffocating all the time. Everything reminds me of Ben. I thought moving down here would help, and it did, at first… but every time I drive that canyon, every time I go to Park City for work, or hell, go anywhere… Ben is everywhere! I have memories of him all over—Salt Lake City, too. I feel like I can’t move forward with these constant reminders of him. Not to mention that there is a new mother on everyfuckingcorner in this city, reminding me that I am not! Every day, I feel like I’m struggling to breathe.” I don’t bother trying to stop the tears.

“Friend,” Sarah says, wiping the tears from my cheeks with her thumbs. “You don’t need my approval to make this decision. You need to do what feels right for you. And if this is what feels right…” She pauses. “As much as I’d miss you, I would be so happy for you to try something new.”

“But I need to know what you think, Sarah.”

“Why? I support you. Period.”

“Because you’re a therapist. I value your opinion.”

“But I’m not your therapist, I’m your friend.”

“My best friend! And a therapist… Come on, pretend I’m a client of yours. What would you tell me?”

She looks at me thoughtfully. “It’s a big decision, and I understand why you feel like moving away might help you heal. I’m sure you have weighed the pros and cons. My only advice would be to make sure you are moving for the right reasons. Do you know why you want to move to Chicago? Or are you simply trying to run away from the hard?”

“Ouch.” I say, scrunching up my face. I pause, letting her words sink in before continuing. “I’m not entirely sure. When I first considered moving, it was definitely about running away.” I exhale slowly, glancing offto the side as if searching for the right words. “But the more I’ve pursued it, the more it feels right. Everything seems to be aligning perfectly, like this is the path I should take.” I shift my weight from one foot to the other. “I talked to Seth about it, and he said I could transfer to the Chicago office. They have a lot of work there, and are always in need of design architects.” I can’t help but smile slightly. “He even offered to buy a place as an investment property. We found a gorgeous condo right on the river. He’ll pay to furnish it, but I get to pick everything out and can live there for free for one year as a work expense.”

I stop for a moment, gazing at the mountains in the distance before turning back to Sarah. “I hate winter, and from what I remember as a teenager, Chicago is brutally cold for months, but…” I shrug, letting out a soft sigh. “I’ll be right on the river, and it will be an adventure! I’m still not sure if I’m not entirely running away, but when I think about it…” My voice trails off, and as I say it out loud, the weight of my decision seems to lift, as if speaking it into existence and having Sarah’s support is making it all feel right. “I’m excited, and I’ll get to spend time with my friend Kara. I’m sad to leave friends and family, but worst-case scenario, it’s only a year.”

Kara is my childhood friend. She lived on the same street as me growing up. I’ve visited her every year since I was fifteen.

“I think it sounds like a great opportunity.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

I sigh with relief, drying my eyes, and Sarah hugs me. “When do you think you will move?”

“Mid-August. After the Parade of Homes.”

“No, that’s too soon!” Sarah laugh-cries. “You have to let me throw you a big going-away party. I’ll rent a cool space, maybe at the country club, and we’ll invite everyone.” She’s ecstatic.

“You don’t need to convince me… you had me at ‘party.’” Sarah lives to throw a party, and I don’t doubt that she’ll throw me the best damn party of the year.

Chapter 2

LEO

Saturday, August 19

1 Month Later

I awoke this morning with a pounding headache and someone’s hand around my cock, the consequences of last night’s indulgences. I search my memory for the name of the woman warming my bed.

Christy? Christina? Christine?

Shit.I don’t remember.Waking up aroused is nothing new, it happens every day. Waking up to someone tending to my arousal? I’m going to savor this.

Chrissy! That’s it.

A groan rumbles deep in my throat.

“Don’t stop,” I say with a groggy morning voice.

She murmurs in my ear, “Good morning, Leo,” as she glides her hand up my chest. “Last night was fun.”

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