Page 75 of If It Can't Be Us

Ten, nine, eight—I’m halfway to her. Seven, six, five—I’m close, but I won’t make it through the crowd. Four, three, two, one—“Happy New Year!” echoes off the walls, but my eyes are glued to Vivian and Brian. They lean in, their movements slow and deliberate, as if in a scene playing out in slow motion. Their lips meet, and it feels like I’ve been punched in the balls. They separate briefly, eyes locked, before kissing again. Vivian’s arms wrap around Brian’s neck, his around her back.

Everything swirls around me, and I feel like I’m going to be sick.

Chapter 23

VIVIAN

January 6

One Week Later

New Year’s Eve was fun. I felt Leo’s eyes on me all night, a boost to my ego. Leo seemed torn—he says he just wants to be friends, but his actions say otherwise. The compliments, the lingering looks, the way he’s always so attentive—it’s confusing. While I enjoy it, I’m starting to realize it’s holding me back from future potential. I need to focus on finding someone who is truly available, despite my mom’s insistence that Leo will eventually come around.

Brian left early this morning. We had dinner two nights ago and ended up making out on my couch for over an hour. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Exactly what I need right now—fun, light, uncomplicated. Brian is smart, funny, and undeniably attractive. He reminds me a lot of Leo.

It’s unlikely that anything serious is going to happen with Brian. I mean, he lives in London. We said we’d stay connected through texts and calls, but long-distance isn’t easy. Besides, I don’t know how Leo feels about it, or why I care how he feels about it.

I went over to Leo’s place last night for dinner and to say goodbye to Brian. It felt… somewhat normal, or as normal as it can, considering everything that’s happened.

Before I left last night, Leo asked if I wanted to come over in the morning for breakfast and coffee. Naturally, I said yes, though a part of me wonders if I’m falling back into the pattern of spending too much time with him.

I make my way over, wearing a matching Lululemon jogger and half-zip set in heather gray, my hair pulled back into a ponytail. I’m dressed entirely for comfort and warmth, with no intention of impressing him, keeping my priorities straight.

I let myself in because that’s what we do most of the time, and I’m immediately hit with the aroma of breakfast sausage and eggs, which I freaking love.

“Hey!” I call out, walking into the kitchen. I spot Leo by the oven, cooking up a skillet. “It smells incredible in here.”

He takes his eyes off the skillet long enough to greet me. “Hey, Viv, this will be ready in five.”

“Do you want me to start the coffees?” I ask.

“Yeah, that’d be great!”

I head to the espresso machine, like I have dozens of times, to make two cappuccinos.

I get lost in thought as I steam the milk, mindlessly making our cappuccinos. I think about everything that’s happened over the past month. Leo, Nick, now Brian. I went out with Nick the night before I went out with Brian. We also made out, but on the porch. I told him I wanted to slow things down a bit, that I need time to see and date other people. He must like me a lot; otherwise, I don't understand why he would agree to take things slower than we have already been.

I think about Ben. For reasons unknown, I imagine him hanging out with these guys. Would he like them? Would he vibe? It matters to me what I think he would think, as if his approval would validate my choices.

“Hey,” Leo pulls me from my thoughts. “What’s going on with you? You’re in a twilight zone.”

“Oh,” I tuck some hair behind my ear, “I’m sorry, I’m lost in thought.”

“What are youthinking about?”

“Oh, nothing… everything, I don’t know.” I scrunch my forehead, shaking my head and shrugging, as I hand him his cappuccino. “How did everything go this morning getting Brian off?”

He lifts a brow, “You mean sending him off?” he chuckles, “I think getting him off is more in your department.”

My eyes widen. “Oh my God, I didn’t even realize I said that.” I laugh and take a sip of my coffee. “Mmm. This is my favorite part of the day,” I say, smiling as I breathe in the rich aroma of my cup of joe. There really is nothing better than a cup of hot coffee on a bitter cold morning.

Leo hands me a plate of food—a sausage and egg skillet with sweet potato hash, avocado, and red onions. “Damn. You really know your way into a woman’s heart,” I say affectionately. I stand on one side of the kitchen island, facing the living room, watching the fire Leo lit crackle and dance, its warm glow flickering across the room. Leo sits across from me on a barstool.

“I don’t know about that… I think I just know how much you love a skillet and coffee.” He grins at me, and this feels… nice. It feels nice and normal, something I was worried we wouldn’t get back to. There is definitely a layer of invisible caution tape surrounding us—don’t be too flirty, don’t touch—but overall, it feels normal.

“This is nice,” I say, smiling, unable to help myself. I feel genuinely happy right now.

We catch up on some work talk. Leo fills me in on some real estate ventures he’s pursuing, and I tell him about my projects.

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