Page 72 of If It Can't Be Us

“It’s more complicated than that. There are things I just don’t want to talk about.” He pauses, rubbing the back of his neck before continuing. “Look, I know you want more—a real relationship, commitment. But that’s just not me. It never has been. And sex… it means more to you than it does to me.” He sighs, still not meeting my eyes. “I care about you, but this is just… not what I can give.”

I scoff, letting it hang in the air. I take a deep breath and look him straight in the eye. “You can’t keep running from your feelings.” I feel my eyes getting misty. “They’re going to catch up to you someday. You think we can just go back to being friends, but this physical affection will keep happening again and again… we can’t ignore it.”

“I don’t want to ignore it. I’m just trying to protect us both. We can still be friends, feelings and all; we just need boundaries.”

“Boundaries? God, are you serious? We’ve already tried that, and we’ve crossed so many lines.” The discomfort is palpable as I shift in my seat. My body temperature rises, heat creeping up my neck, and I suddenly feel hot and stifled. “Maybe we need to take a step back, see less of each other for a while. Give ourselves space to figure this out.”

His face tightens, and I can see the pain in his eyes. “I don’t want that. I love being with you. I don’t want to lose you in any capacity.”

“I don’t want to lose you either. But being around you and not being able to have more… it’s hard for me. Our chemistry… the way we connect—it makes it evenharder.”

I watch his face for understanding. My heart aches with the possibility of distancing myself from him, but I know it’s the only way to protect my sanity.

He clenches his jaw, the tension clear. “I don’t want to step back. But I also don’t want to keep hurting you.”

“But you do keep hurting me… It’s not something I want to do either. But I think it’s the best way forward… at least for now. We can still be friends, just… with some space.”

His shoulders sag, resignation setting in. “What does that even look like?” he asks, his fingertips pressing against his forehead.

“I don’t know. Maybe we see each other once a week, just to catch up. Keep things light until it gets easier.”

He sighs, smoothing his fingers across his forehead. “I guess that makes sense… Fuck. It’ll be tough, though.”

“I know,” I say softly, biting back the ache in my chest. “But I think it’s the only way we can make this work without losing each other completely.”

“Fine, we’ll try that.” He rubs the back of his neck, clearly uneasy, then glances at me, hesitating. “Are you still going to Meredith’s New Year’s Eve party tomorrow night?”

I nod. “Yeah, I’ll be there. I told Meredith I would be. I could use a distraction, anyway.”

He offers a small, tentative smile. “Good. I’m glad you’ll be there.”

“Me too… How was your Christmas?”

“It was nice. Brian’s in town, as you know, and we went to Meredith and Piper’s like I usually do. It was good.”

“That sounds great,” I say, genuinely happy he had a good time.

“How was your trip to Utah?”

“It was good. A bit of a whirlwind, but it was nice to see everyone.”

He nods again, looking like he wants to say more but thinks better of it. “Okay. Well, I should probably get going. See you tomorrow night?”

“Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow,” I reply, my voice steady despite the swirl of emotions inside me.

I walk him to the door, and he gives me a hug goodbye. I can feel myself resisting, pulling away because what I really want is for him to take me into his arms and kiss me like he did before. As the door closes behind him, I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding.

Chapter 22

LEO

December 31

Brian and I step out of the Uber at 8:55 PM. I’m wearing a navy suit, Brian a cream one. Meredith’s party always has a cocktail dress code; she invites the people and pays for the food, while I rent the venue and cover the staff expenses. She used to host it at her house, but the parties grew bigger each year. It got so packed that you could hardly move, so I offered to pay for a larger space the next year, and she reluctantly agreed. This year, it’s a casino-themed party, and it’s on the ninety-ninth floor of the Willis Tower.

“Are there going to be any good-looking women here tonight that you know of?” Brian asks, naturally. Brian is a serial dater, but he actually wants to settle down and get married someday, which makes him better than me, according to most.

“There always are, mate. It’s a big party, usually about a hundred people. I’ve never had trouble finding someone to take home.” As I say this, my mind drifts to Vivian. She’ll be here this year, and I know she’ll outshine them all. I’d offered her a ride with us, but she politely declined, making me wonder if she really does intend to stick to the boundaries we agreed on.

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