Page 69 of If It Can't Be Us

I pause, looking out the window as I gather my thoughts. “But she needs and wants connection, while I’ve spent my life avoiding that kind of connection. We’re dealing with the exact opposite issues, fearing the exactopposite things. She’s lost so much already, I would never want to add to her grief.” I lean back, frustration bubbling up. “And I don’t ever want to know how that feels again. Love has only ever brought me pain. I don’t know if I even want to try.”

I shake my head. “God, what do I do? I’ve never wanted a relationship to worry about, and I definitely don’t want to get married. These days, you’ve got a 50/50 chance of it ending in divorce. In my practice, I see couples every day trying to patch up broken marriages, dealing with infidelity, resentment, and a complete lack of communication. Of that fifty percent, only a handful of them are truly happy. The odds are stacked against us all. I’m not a fool; I don’t gamble with shitty odds unless I’m willing to lose it all.”

Meredith looks at me with a mixture of sympathy and determination. “I get it. Your fears and concerns are valid, and I know where they’re coming from. But as we grow, things that used to work for us can stop being effective. You know this. Coping mechanisms that kept us safe can become barriers. You’ve done the work before, but it doesn’t mean it’s over. It’s about recognizing when it’s time to revisit it—to go back and work through things as they evolve, as you evolve.

I shake my head adamantly. “No. I don’t want to revisit that. That was brutal enough the first time.” The conviction in my voice surprises even me, the words rushing out faster than I intended.

Meredith’s eyes narrow, her keen insight already picking apart my defenses. “You know burying things doesn’t make them go away.”

Ignoring her, I glance around the cozy family room, the couch beneath me is comfortable, yet I feel anything but relaxed. “I’ve been fine all these years, happy even, doing what I’ve been doing. Revisiting it would only open old wounds. I’m fine with my barriers.”

I can see Meredith wants to say something, but I forge ahead, needing to get it all out. “Plus, I’ve never wanted to be in a position where I could be a shitty boyfriend, or husband… or father.” The last word catches in my throat, an ache I can’t quite shake off. “The idea of fucking up someone else’s life scares the hell out of me.”

Meredith remains silent, her gaze unwavering. I swallow hard, forcing myself to meet her eyes. “Or worse, having everything to lose and watching it all fall apart.” My heart races, the thought of Vivian creeping into my mind. “When something happens to a person you choose to share your life with, like Vivian, that’s… It feels reckless to love someone that much… to put so much hope into one person.”

She sighs, her eyes softening with understanding. “It’s not reckless to love someone. It’s human. And yes, there’s risk, but there’s also incredible reward. You can’t live your life in fear of what might happen. Nothing worth having comes easy. And honestly, when I see you with Vivian, you’re different. You’re more relaxed, more yourself. You laugh more, and you seem genuinely happy. She brings out a side of you that I haven’t seen in years. Don’t let fear hold you back from what could be an incredible future.”

I take a deep breath, feeling the weight of her words. “I’ve never felt stuck until now… Why would I want to change things when they have always worked out for me?”

She lifts a brow and purses her lips. “I think you know why.”

“Look, I’ll take what you’re saying into account. But for now, I need to focus on repairing the trust I broke with Vivian last night. That’s my priority.”

She places her hand on my back and rubs it softly. “Okay,” she says softly. “I’m not going to push you, but I’m here if you need anything.” She gets a playful look in her eye, “Now… can we please talk about how you kissed Vivian?” She grins. “So… how was it?”

I can’t help but smile. “It was… amazing.” I lean back into the sofa, running a hand through my hair as a laugh escapes my lips. “Honestly, it felt like everything just clicked. Like for a moment, all the shit I’ve been carrying around didn’t matter. I felt… free. She’s fucking incredible.” I look at Meredith, still grinning.

* * * * ** * * **

I leave Meredith’s with no real clarification, only the desire to fix my friendship with Vivian. I pull out my phone to text her.

Leo:Viv… we need to talk. Can I come over?

I walk outside to get in my Uber, staring at the screen to see the status of my message turn to read as I fasten my seatbelt. The drive home is a blur, deep in thought and waiting for Vivian to text me back. It’s almost noon, I know she’s awake.

The Uber drops me off at the end of the street, and I run down the path of townhouses straight to Vivian’s door and pound on it.

My phone dings.

Vivian:I’m packing for my trip tomorrow. I am not ready to see you or talk to you. I have a date tonight, and then I leave early in the morning. Please respect my space, I will contact you when I am ready to talk… and I don’t know when that will be.

Jesus.

I have fucked things up more than I could have imagined. She just built a ten-foot wall, and there is nothing I can do but wait for her to come to me. “Ugh!” I groan in agony as I respond to her text.

LeoViv, please… Don’t leave for the holidays with things like this. Please let me tell you how sorry I am… how much your friendship means to me. Please…

Vivian:Well that’s the problem, Leo. I don’t know how to just be your friend anymore. So please let me figure out what it is that I want, and process everything that has happened. I will get back to you after I have a chance to think about things… when I am ready. I need to see my therapist in Utah. I want you to know that I care about you. I just need some space.

I stare at the screen, my heart sinking. She needs space, but at least she said she cares about me. Maybe there’s still hope.

These next two weeks will feel like an eternity.

Chapter 21

VIVIAN

Christmas Day

---