Page 61 of If It Can't Be Us

“Because I’m not a goddamn victim, Andrew. I never have been. But that’s why I struggle to fully forgive her. She was ill, I get that, but what she did left scars. It’s not about hating her—it’s just something I can’t fully let go of.” I set my drink down a little harder than I intended. “Can we talk about something else now? I’m done rehashing this.”

I turn the TV up and we watch the game in silence.

I pull my phone out to text Vivian because I know that talking to her will help my shitty mood.

I have an unread text from her. We’d been texting last night before I boarded my plane. This one was sent a couple of hours ago, probably when she woke up. I somehow missed it in the chaos of leaving the airport to come here.

Vivian:Hey, did you make it safely?

Leo:Yes. Got here a couple of hours ago. You at work? Sorry I didn’t text, got wrapped up in family and catching up. Emma is beautiful… I’m embarrassed to admit she is only the third baby I’ve ever held. It’s a pretty incredible feeling being an uncle and holding my niece for the first time.

I hope that my text doesn’t stir too much emotion for her, talking about the baby.

Vivian:Ahhh! That is so sweet. Yes at work… Send me pics!

Leo:Will do. Can you find time to squeeze me into your busy schedule for when I come home? Maybe Friday the 15th? I’d love to take you out—catch up. Unless you already have plans…

Vivian:OMG! You’re around a baby for five whole minutes and now you want to take me on a date? Slow down, Leo. I’m not ready to jump into things. (Laughing face emoji)

She’s so cheeky

Leo:You’re so insightful… I’m practically standing at the altar. Call it whatever you want. I’m taking you to the Christmas market. Mer told me you haven’t been. It’ll be a fun thing to do when I get back… I don’t want Nick being scheduled over me.

I send it and immediately regret the comment about Nick, as the tone will probably come across as more of a jab than I intended. I don’t want to seem jealous, either, but it’s true—I don’t want to be scheduled over like I was the night before.

Vivian:God… I really am sorry. I spaced that we had talked about doing something the night before you left. I promise I won’t forget. I have you scheduled into my calendar on the 15th. I’m all yours! I’ll be very much looking forward to seeing you.(Kissy face emoji)

Leo:Good. We can look for rings afterward.

I don’t send any emojis, letting it hang in the air.

Vivian:Ha. Ha. Ha. We have a comedian on our hands. I’ve got to get back to work. Text me later. :-)

* * * * ** * * * *

I help Nichole clear the table and then possessively take Emma from Andrew. I can’t get enough of her. I leave tomorrow morning, and I need to soak up the sweetness of this little girl.

Sitting at the table, I watch Nichole and Andrew move around the kitchen with a harmony that speaks of years of love and a comfortable ease. I look down at Emma; her eyes move back and forth watching my face, filled with wonder, and I’m overcome with an unfamiliar emotion.

I look back at Andrew and Nichole. Nichole is teasing him. He playfully swats her with the dish towel, she splashes water on him and laughs. He wraps her into him and gives her a kiss, and I realize it’s the first timein my life that I’m envious of what my brother has. All these years of lectures about finding someone to share my life with, and finding true meaning to life hit me like a load of bricks.

I look back down at Emma and then imagine something bad happening to her, and a knot forms in my stomach. I bring her up to my chest and hold her tightly, shutting my eyes. No, No. I don’t want this. It’s like taking a gamble with high-risk stocks—you might hit the jackpot, but you could lose it all in a matter of minutes.

Chapter 19

VIVIAN

December 14

Vivian:Hey, I know it will be late when you get home, but will you please swing by, so I can give you a hug?

Leo:Sure thing, love. Probably be close to 11:00.

Vivian:I’ll make sure I’m up.

God, I have missed him over this past week. I had another date with Nick this last weekend… well—two dates. We went out Friday night and then had lunch on Sunday. Things are going great with him. We have fun, and our chemistry is great. He’s a fantastic kisser, too. It’s still new, though, and I’m giving it time.

I’m on my couch, relaxed in my sweats, mindlessly watching television, and waiting for Leo. The seconds feel like hours as I wait for Leo’s message. Finally, at 10:00, my phone dings.

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