Page 56 of If It Can't Be Us

“I thought you didn’t do revisits.” Her voice is somewhat clipped.

“It’s definitely not the norm. There have been a few women I’ve hooked up with multiple times, but not close together. I’ve maybe bumped into them months later, and we have another go at it. Ashley is Johnny’s friend; we’ve occasionally been at the same functions, and then one thing leads to another…” I stop talking when I see the hurt in her eyes. “Let’s not talk about my sex life. Didn’t you have another date with what’s-his-name tonight?” I ask, trying to change the subject.

“Don’t be like that,” she says so softly I can barely hear her. “You know his name is Nick.”

I take a breath, knowing she’s in an emotional state. “Sorry… How was your date with Nick?”

“It was good.” She sighs and lays a pillow flat, lying on her side to face me, pushing her boobs together.

I follow suit, placing a pillow flat and resting my head on it to face her, willing myself to keep my gaze on her face, and not on her incredible tits that are inches away.

“Let’s not talk about this… can we just be Leo and Viv right now?” she asks, her eyes focused on mine like laser beams.

I chuckle. “Do you want to fill me in on what that means?”

She lets out a sigh and laughs, shaking her head. “I don’t know. Just talk to me,” she whispers.

“Okay…” I think of what I can say to lighten her mood.

“You know that first day I saw you… when you were running by my house?” I ask.

“When you were half naked, standing by the door?” She grins. “How could I forget?”

“Do you want to know what I thought when I caught you checking me out?” I ask teasingly, and that does it.

She laughs—the most beautiful, genuine laugh—followed by her gorgeous smile that I love, as she playfully pushes my shoulder. “I don’t quite remember it like that, but I’ll bite. What did you think?” she asks, still smiling.

“I thought… that is the mostgorgeouswoman I have ever seen.”

She scoffs in disbelief. “Okay,” she says, rolling her eyes.

“And…” I continue, “I told myself,I have to get to know her. Because there was something special about you. You weren’t just some ordinary hot girl. There was something about you that drew me in, and now, after months of getting to know you, I finally understand why.”

I let the silence hang in the air.

“Well, don’t keep me hanging… Why?” she nudges me on.

My eyes wander across her face, tracing every beautiful detail, until they lock onto her sparkling green eyes. There’s an intensity in her gaze that captivates me. “Because you are the most incredible person I’ve ever met,” I say, my voice sincere and unwavering.

Her eyes fill with moisture, and she blinks rapidly. She tries to turn onto her back to stare at the ceiling, hiding her tears, but I reach out, gently turning her face back towards me as a tear falls. I catch it with my thumb, brushing it away, feeling the softness of her skin.

“You don’t have to hide from me,” I say softly.

“Why are you so good to me?” she asks, her voice wavering.

“Because you deserve it.”

“Thank you,” she whispers.

We lie there, staring at each other in comfortable silence. It’s a vulnerable position to be in with someone, but I’d never know that because with Vivian, this feels good. It feels right, being here with her. And yet, it terrifies the shit out of me.

“Why is it that every time I feel like I’m starting to heal and move forward, something happens to set me back? I haven’t had this nightmare since before I moved, and now it’s the third time this week.”

“Healing from grief and trauma doesn’t have an ending point, Viv. There’s no finish line. It’s a journey; you’re going to have growth and healing, setbacks, good days, and bad days.” I brush a strand of hair from her face. “Don’t let this get you down. Stress and anxiety can bring on nightmares.” My hand moves down to her cheek, gently caressing it. “Why don’t you tell me about your nightmare?” I urge softly, lying close to her, our faces inches apart.

“It’s always the same,” she begins, her voice trembling. “A replay of that night. Sometimes the details change or things blur.” She furrows her brows, as if she is concentrating on recreating the scene for me. “But the ending is always the same. Me, calling Ben’s name as we get hit, the car spiraling out of control. I don’t remember what we hit or if we flipped or how many times… just a wave of dizziness and confusion.” She swallows hard, her voice barely a whisper. “And then it’s just me. It’sdeathlyquiet, except for this faint, piercing ringing in my ears. Then the sirens come, then the spiraling red lights. I struggle to breathe with the airbag crushing against me.” Tears stream down her face. “I look over at Ben, and…” Her voice cracks. “God, when I saw his face, Leo…” She clasps a hand over her mouth. “That image of him… lifeless, bloody… it’s seared into my mind.” She shuts her eyes, shaking her head. “It was awful.” She opens her eyes, and I find myself not wanting to blink, afraid my own tears will fall. “That’s the last way I saw him. My last image of Ben, the love of my life, is him, mutilated, bloody, and lifeless.” She cries out, “That’s when the anxiety kicks in, the panic, the struggle for breath, and then I look down at my stomach and I know I lost our baby too.” She looks at me, her eyes filled with anguish, and takes a few deep breaths. “God, I miss them!” She covers her face with both hands. “I miss them so much,” she cries, her body shaking violently.

Without thinking, I reach out and pull her into my arms, holding her tightly. “I’m so sorry, Viv,” I whisper into her hair, my voice thick with emotion. “You don’t have to go through this alone. I’m here, always.”

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