Page 53 of If It Can't Be Us

She picks up on the third ring. “Hey, Viv, how are you?”

“I’m good, friend. How are you?”

Sarah laughs. “I’m good, but we can talk about me later. What’s up? I can tell you need to bounce your thoughts off me.”

“God, how can you tell that just by asking me how I am?”

“It’s in your voice. I know you too well, friend.”

“That’s almost pathetic.” I laugh. “Okay, so remember the guy, Nick, I told you about?”

“Yeah, you had a date this past weekend, right?”

“Yes, and it went well. Really well. I like him a lot. We have a lot in common, and he kissed me on the porch at the end of the night. It was fire!”

“That’s great! So what’s the problem?”

“Nothing. We made out for a couple of minutes in the site trailer before we went to lunch. Whoops.”

Sarah laughs. “Okay, that’s hot.”

“Yeah, it was. Lunch was great too. I like him even more.”

“But…” Sarah prompts.

“Ugh. I like him a lot, but Leo is still in the back of my mind, and I don’t know what to do.”

Sarah’s quiet on the other end.

“We had a great day on Sunday.”

“Wait, you and Nick or you and Leo?”

“Me and Leo. We had a great day hanging out, just being us. Kept it strictly platonic as we discussed, and it felt normal… It was great. But I brought up something about his family earlier in the day, and he completely shut down, almost got a little defensive, which is something I’ve never experienced with him. I just wish he would tell me about it, so I could understand.”

“Because you think if he told you about it, that would make him want to be with you?” she asks doubtfully.

“Well, when you put it that way it sounds stupid and naive, but yeah, I guess that’s what I hope for.”

Sarah sighs. “Ah, God. I’m sorry that you are dealing with this. I know it’s hard, especially since you’ve been seeking this kind of connection for so long. It’s not stupid; it’s totally normal to have those hopes.”

“But…” I say. I know how this goes: listen, validate, then give the blunt honest truth.

“But if Leoisdealing with some sort of say, ‘childhood trauma’, which we don’t know if he is, that could look like so many things. I’d really focus on this Nick guy and dating other people. Try to make some other connections. You can stay friends with Leo, and if he ever changes his mind and wants more, then maybe you can explore something beyond being friends. But if being just friends with Leo is too hard or makes it difficult for you to explore other possible relationships, if it were me, I’d put some space in the friendship for a while. I know you don’t want to take a step back, but you could always give it a try, see how it goes.”

It’s my turn to be quiet now. “What if I can’t do that?”

“I think that you can; you just don’t want to, and that’s okay. That’s your decision to make.”

I let out a sigh of frustration. “I just don’t understand how someone with his kind of knowledge and career can be emotionally unavailable and fucked up.”

“Unfortunately, trauma doesn’t skip those with psychology degrees, especially if something happened as a child.”

“Right. But then to go on and get a PhD in psychology? Why wouldn’t he deal with it then? It makes no sense to me… I mean, he won’t even talk about it,” I say, baffled.

“Honestly, it’d be hard to become a therapist and not deal with your past shit. But that being said, there are many reasons people choose not to deal with trauma—psychologists included.”

“Why would he choose that?”

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