Page 34 of If It Can't Be Us

He has a way of simultaneously making me feel nervous and comfortable, which doesn’t make any sense.

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“Vivian, you’ve got to come! This year it’s going to be a casino-themed party with cocktail attire. Everyone goes all out, it’ll be so fun. Right, Leo? Tell her she has to come!” Meredith insists as she looks toward Leo. She has just invited me to her big New Year’s Eve party.

“Yes, Meredith’s parties are epic. We can go together if you’d like,” he says, placing his hand on my thigh,my bare thigh,giving it a little squeeze. It’s friendly, but it sends a wave of heat between my legs.

What. The. Hell.

I’m two Manhattans in, and I amfeelingit. I don’t drink liquor very often, so I’m a lightweight when I do. Leo’s hand remains on my thigh, his thumb now moving back and forth, caressing my thigh, no longer just friendly.

We are friends. We are friends. We are friends.I tell myself over and over.

Oh my God, I haven’t been touched in so long. It’s doing things to my body way too easily. Why is his hand still there? I look around at the group. Everyone is engaged in some form of conversation. I look at Leo as he sips his whiskey, and come to the conclusion that he must be drunk, which would explain the hand. I stare at it, willing it to move, unsure if I want it to move up my thigh or for him to remove it. I try to calm my breathing and act normal, everything is fine. He just doesn’t realize his hand is still there.

I’m panicking inside. I’m so turned on and confused, and my inhibitions are starting to numb. I put my cocktail down and switch to water.

Chapter 8

Leo

My hand is on Vivian’s smooth,barethigh, and I can’t seem to make myself remove it. I don’t know what’s come over me tonight. I can’t take my eyes off her. The urge to keep my hand on her leg is overwhelming. If we were alone, I’d be tempted to graze it along her thigh, sliding it up to discover what’s underneath that skirt that’s been driving me crazy. The thought sends a rush of heat through me, and an image of us in the bar bathroom flashes in my mind. Just then, she places her hand on top of mine, gently removing it as she reaches for her water. Well, that settles it then.

Dammit. I’m going to pay for this tomorrow if I don’t reel it in. Vivian is my friend, and I’ve made that very clear. I like her too much to do anything stupid to fuck it up. But keeping my feelings in check is proving harder than I thought.

“So, what kind of therapy do you specialize in?” I hear Vivian ask Meredith.

“I mostly see clients with substance abuse and trauma, and also specialize in EMDR, have you heard of that?” She responds as Vivian nods her head.

I knew they would like each other. The two women that I like the most in my life getting along fills me with gratification.

The conversation shifts to drunk stories, and Michael and I have our fair share, having gone through our twenties together.

Laughter erupts as we take turns sharing stories about each other. Meredith recounts the time I got so drunk I peed on her wall in the hallway and ended up sleeping next to it.

I share one about Michael waking up on the front lawn of an Airbnb in his underwear after a night out in Vegas.

Adam tells us that he slept with the maid of honor at his brother’s wedding.

It’s Stella that goes in for the kill.

“A few years ago, we went to Mexico—me, Michael, and Leo—for spring break. We went out for a night on the town. The nightclubs in Mexico are totally insane,” she says.

I know where this is going.

“We’re all on the dance floor, and all of a sudden, we can’t find Leo. We’re looking everywhere on the floor.” She starts to giggle. “We didn’t think to look up. We find Leo in a giant birdcage, elevated above the dance floor with one of the dancers. He’s lost his shirt and is dancing like a drunken fool!”

Vivian bursts out laughing.

“That’s not all,” Stella continues. “The next morning, we wake up and can’t find Leo anywhere! And I mean anywhere. We call his phone—it goes straight to voicemail. We knock on his door—no answer. We end up having to get a key to open his door. He’s not there. At this point, we’re starting to get a little nervous, but we think,Leo’s a big boy and can fend for himself. He’s fine.Well, noon comes around and still no Leo. Now we are actually worried. We go to the front desk to possibly file a missing person report, or whatever you do in Mexico, and as we’re approaching the front desk, he’s being escorted into the lobby by two police officers. He has no shirt, and is wearing someone else’s sweatpants that look like they came from the streets.” Everyone laughs.

“I’m lucky I wasn’t arrested that night,” I say, more to Vivian than anyone. “I was found sleeping on the beach in my underwear.”

“Shut up!” Vivian shouts in shock, slapping my knee and grinning at me with her bloody beautiful smile.

“It’s true,” I reply, forcing a smile. As everyone laughs at the story, I can’t help but feel a twinge of pain. It was one of the lower moments of my life. I’d had plenty of drunken moments as a teenager and young adult, but I got my shit together before I earned my PhD. But five years ago, the memory of that childhood torment was fresh, gnawing at the edges of my mind.

I find myself searching Vivian’s eyes. There’s a spark of joy in them from her laughter, but beyond that, a flood of calm washes over me as I look deeper, a respite from the grueling past that lingers in my thoughts.

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