Page 26 of If It Can't Be Us

The door to my patio faces the river. It’s the first thing I see as I step into the brisk early morning darkness. It’s so beautiful and serene up here. This is definitely my favorite place to be, and I’m dreading the day it’s too cold to enjoy coming up here, which will be soon. My patio is shaped like a U. On the left side, I have an outdoor dining table. In the center, just outside the door, there’s a patio swing that faces the river. On the right, I have an outdoor sectional with a chaise and a lounge chair that faces Leo’s patio, and behind that a small room that I turned into an art studio.

I lay my yoga mat out in the center of my patio in front of my swing. Grabbing my iPad, I turn to my Peloton app and scroll to a slow flow class. I set it on a little side table and begin. Facing Leo’s patio, the memories of last night and the dream this morning plague my mind.

Getting to know Leo over the past month has been a lot of fun. He’s becoming a good friend. We’ve shared a meal at least once a week, all while texting almost every day. We ask questions all week long via text, and I’ve become pretty comfortable with him in the little time that I’ve known him. He loves to give me shit, and I rather enjoy dishing it back to him. He makes me laugh, and out of everyone I’ve met here, he is my favorite person to hang out with.

I’ve been spending Saturday nights with Kara over the past month. She has introduced me to some of her friends and keeps insisting that I let her line me up with some of the guys she knows. I’ve been hesitant to agree because I feel like I’m in such a great place right now. These past six weeks have been all about getting to know myself as a single woman in a new city. I don’t want to do anything to screw up my mojo.

I haven’t told Leo about Ben yet. I think part of me loves that I’m not broken, widowed Vivian in Leo’s eyes. I avoid certain topics and don’t share many stories from my past. He’s been surprisingly open with me, and I’ve learned so many fun things about him. He came to Chicago at twenty-two after earning his bachelor’s in London, went on to the University of Illinois for his PhD, and started teaching there right after. He met his best friend Michael, the chef, through a mutual friend in college, and they lived together for three years in their mid-twenties. Classic rock and rap are his favorite genres of music, and he’s just as obsessive as I amabout staying in shape, working out every day. We’ve even run together the past two Saturday mornings.

“Focus,” I tell myself. I turn my attention to my breathing, realizing I’ve been doing a flow for ten-minutes on autopilot. I’m in downward dog, my eyes closed with my ass in the air. Inhale. Exhale.

“You know, this might be the first time I’ve wished I lived on the opposite side. The view looks pretty tempting.” Leo’s voice echoes onto my rooftop, startling me.

“Gah, Leo! You scared the shit out of me.” I proceed to do my vinyasa. “Careful what you wish for. You might end up getting a view you can’t handle.” I say, as I slither into an upward facing dog, giving him a full shot of my cleavage.

I catch his eyes glancing down.

“What, you didn’t get your fill last night?” I say sarcastically.

He bites the side of his bottom lip and grins, turning his head like he’s been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. His dimples creep into his cheeks, and it’s the sexiest thing while being incredibly cute at the same time. Ben had dimples too. It’s one of the things that made him so adorable in high school. As he grew older, he became more masculine, but Ben never had facial hair. Something about the dimples on Leo gives him a boyish charm underneath all his manliness.

“Alright, Walker, you caught me. Let me have it.”

I grin. “So how was she?” I ask as I move into warrior two. “The whole goddamn neighborhood could hear you last night.”

“I’m sensing a bit of resentment this morning. Is it that time of the month?” He smacks his lips between his teeth, trying to suppress a smile.

“Oh no, you did not just say that!” I playfully give him the death look.

He lifts his arms, feigning innocence. “Did you hear anything in particular that you liked? Because if you did… you know we can always give it a go.”

That’s it, my focus is gone. “Don’t be a jackass!” I say, laughing and giving up on my yoga altogether. “What are you doing up so early?”

“I’m always up this early. What about you? You don’t usually getup until six.”

“How do you know what time I get up in the mornings?” I ask, astonished.

“I see you leave to run some mornings, which by the way is another topic in itself. You shouldn’t be out that early when it’s dark, running alone.”

I wave him off. “It’s fine. I carry a Birdie.”

“What the hell is a Birdie?”

“It’s a little device that sounds an ear-piercing alarm if I’m in trouble. It can also dispatch 911 and send my location to emergency contacts. Sarah gave it to me a few years ago when I started running alone.”

He doesn’t look convinced. “You should start coming with me to jiujitsu to learn some self-defense tactics.”

“Isn’t it like… mostly men there? I don’t want to be the only girl, that’s intimidating.”

“You strike me as the type who can hold her own with a bunch of men. In fact, I think you thrive in that environment.”

“Why do you say that?” I ask, walking to where our patios meet, separated by a brick wall.

“Because you’re a flirt by nature.”

Placing my fingers on my chest, I give him a look of shock. “Me? A flirt? Whatever do you mean?” Dropping my playful facade, I let my arm fall to my side. “Why don’t you just teach me a few things?” I say, my voice steady and sincere. “I’m sure you can give me some pointers to keep me safe. I don’t want to go to a martial arts place. Ain’tnobodygot time for that.”

He ponders. “I could do that sometime.”

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