Page 109 of If It Can't Be Us

Leo:Thanks Sarah. Please tell her that I miss her.

Sarah:I will.

Meredith walks into my office and stands before me.

“Hey Mer, what’s up?”

“Stand up,” she demands.

“Why?”

“Just do it,” she says impatiently.

I stand, and she directs me to the couch, pushing me to sit down.

“What are you doing?” I ask, confused.

She sits in my chair, pulling it closer in front of me, and places her drink on the coffee table.

“Okay… so since I’m your friend, I’m not going to charge you for this therapy session,” she states matter-of-factly, “but you will owe me for helping you clean up the mess that is your life,” she says seriously, with a smile.

“Meeerrr,” I groan, “not this again.” Ibegin to stand.

“Sit your ass down, Leo Weston. You can get up when I tell you to; we’re not even close to being finished here.” She shakes her head at me, disappointment evident in her eyes.

I slump back onto the couch, running a hand through my hair in frustration. “What do you want from me? Do you want me to admit that I fucked up? Fine, I fucked up. I fucked up big! It’s too late; I tried the therapy thing. We did EMDR, it didn’t work, okay? I tried. It turns out that I’m not meant for lifelong monogamous relationships.”

“That’s such bullshit. How did you try?”

“What do you mean, how did I try?” I snap, feeling my irritation rise. She knows how to get under my skin, and it’s working. “I tried my damndest. I stopped seeing other women. I spent every night with Vivian for two months. I devoted all my spare time to her, and in the end, it wasn’t good enough.”

Meredith crosses a leg, her eyes boring into mine with a mix of frustration and determination. “Oh, I see. That clarifies everything for me. So let me get this straight. You fell in love with Vivian, but you did everything you could to keep her at arm’s length. You had your cake and ate it too, stroking your ego, getting all the sex you wanted with the woman you wanted to be with. All while filling your cup by spending time with your best friend because that’s how you wanted to spend your time.”

She takes a deep breath, her voice rising with each word. “And then, when it came down to giving Vivian something, just a simple label, a definition of what you already were, giving her hope for a future, you pulled away because you’re a fucking pussy.”

I flinch, letting that sink in as she continues her lecture.

“You let your fear of losing her overtake any hope of things working out, and you lost her anyway because of your cowardice. Did I miss anything?” She shakes her head, her expression a mix of disappointment and sadness. “You didn’t just lose her. You pushed her away, and now you’re here, wondering why she won’t let you back in. For God’s sake, figure out what you really want and stop hiding behind your fears. Otherwise, you’ll lose the best thing that ever happened to you.”

Her tone softens as she stands to move closer, sitting on the coffee table in front of me, and placing a hand on my arm. “Look, I know things from your past make it hard. It’s difficult to let go of what you think you wanted. But Leo, I truly believe that’s not what’s holding you back anymore. You’re standing in your own way because you haven’t allowed yourself the time or grace to reevaluate what you want. You’re stubborn, and it’s okay to want something different now.”

She pauses, searching my eyes. “Everyone can see how much you’ve loved Vivian for months. From the moment you met her, something changed. You need to think about your future… what it could look like with Vivian in it. What if it actually worked? What if you were happy? What if taking the risk led to something amazing? If you believe it’s worth it, go after her. Fight for her. Show her how much you love her. Prove to her that she can trust you.”

Meredith’s words hit me like a punch to the gut, leaving me reeling. I look down, unable to make eye contact, knowing she’s right.

I do love Vivian. I’ve known that for a while now. What the hell am I doing?

“What is it that you’reactuallyafraid of?” Meredith asks.

I try to pinpoint the answer to her question and realize it’s not what I thought it was.

“I’ve always believed I’m afraid to lose someone I love again.” I shake my head, leaning forward with my elbows on my knees. “But that’s not it anymore.” I look at her, feeling the weight of my words. “I’m afraid I’ll fail at loving her the way she needs to be loved, the way she deserves to be loved… the way Ben loved her.” I sit up, my voice heavy with exhaustion. “What if I can’t make her happy? What if I fuck it all up five years down the road? What if…” I trail off, slouching down and resting my head on the back of the couch.

“What if you don’t?” she asks, her eyes wide. “What if you don’t fail?”

“I don’t know.” I shift in my seat. “I’ve never really considered that as a possibility. When I look to the future, I can’t see myself being happy with Vivian; my thoughts always show me failing, hurting her, and ruining everything.”

Meredith pats my leg, her expression softening. She leans forward slightly, her eyes locking onto mine with an intensity that makes it impossible to look away. “Leo, you’re a psychologist. What would you tell your clients in this situation?”

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