Page 108 of If It Can't Be Us

I wind up at a bar. A drink and some fresh air will do me good. I’m on the patio with a Guinness on tap, leaning my arms against the railing when Ashley stands next to me.

God, I really do run into her everywhere.

It’s no surprise, though; we frequent the same places, living the same type of lifestyle. We’ve been together more times than I can count, falling into bed when no one else catches our eye.

“Hey,” she says, nudging me. “You here alone?” She turns to lean her back against the rail, crossing her arms—pushing her tits together. My eyes wander to them out of habit, sending a spark of lust through me as my dick starts to harden.

“Yeah, I’m here alone,” I say somberly, my throat dry.

“You seem off,” she says, pursing her lips. “You okay?”

I half-heartedly smile and scoff. “I’m fine… I will be, anyway.” I take a sip of my beer, savoring the cold, bitter taste as it slides down my throat, momentarily distracting me from the chaos in my mind.

“You know I can help with that, right?” she says flirtatiously, eyeing me up and down as she strokes my arm.

It feels good… Ashley touching me. For a moment, it takes the pain away. She looks incredibly hot, and I know that taking her back to my place, kissing her, touching her, and feeling her body against mine would be incredible right now. It would be so easy to revert to my old ways, to take her home and fuck her. And Christ, I want to.

She hesitates, calculating her next move as I stay silent. I stare at her, undressing her with my eyes, and she leans in to kiss me. Her lips press against mine, and her touch sends a jolt through me. The warmth of her hand on my skin, her soft lips on mine, ignite a familiar, almost automatic response as my dick stiffens completely. Jesus, it feels so good. Ashley has always been a great kisser, and I succumb to it. Meeting her kiss with equal fervor, I grab her waist and pull her closer, feeling her body pressed against mine.

For a minute, I let myself get lost in the sensation, the heat of the moment consuming me. But then, as her hands travel up my chest, Vivian’s face flashes in my mind—the way she laughs, her sweet smile, the way she makes me feel. A wave of guilt crashes over me, and I pull away abruptly, breaking the kiss.

Ashley looks at me, confused and slightly breathless. “What’s wrong?”

I take a step back, running a hand through my hair. “I can’t do this,” I say, my voice shaky. “There’s someone else. Someone I care about too much to mess it up.” It’s a sentence I’ve never said in my life, and it shocks even me as I say it.

She scowls. “Come on, we’re just kissing. There’s no one else here tonight—she’ll never know.”

“But I’ll know.” I hold her stare.

Ashley rolls her eyes. “It’s not that big of a deal.” She strokes my arm. “You really want to be with someone who’s going to take away your freedom? You’re not the monogamous type, Leo, even you know that. You’re too sexy and too good in bed to be tied down to one person.” She grins, her hands finding their way behind my neck, playing with the short waves at the back of my hair, just as Vivian does. “Are you sure? Because you look rather lonely to me.”

“I’m sure, Ash. I’m definitely sure,” I repeat, trying to convince myself. Because holy shit, I’m so turned on right now, and I am so fucking lonely.

“It’s that girl you were with a few weeks ago, isn’t it?” she asks pointedly.

I sigh. “Yes… her name is Vivian. I’m sorry, Ashley, I shouldn’t have kissed you.” I gently remove her hands from around my neck and step back, folding my arms.

“It’s fine.” She frowns, a mix of annoyance and resignation in her expression. “I’m just surprised is all. Never thought anyone would be able to takeyouoff the market.” She scoffs. “I guess I’ve gotta give props to the girl who has.” She pats my arm, then rolls her eyes and adds with a smirk, “Looks like someone’s getting pussy whipped.”

Without another word, she turns and walks away, leaving me dumbfounded by the entire encounter.

I just turned down sex with a gorgeous woman who I already know is a good lay. I felt guilty when I kissed her, a feeling I never experience when it comes to sex. Goddammit, Iampussy-whipped, I don’t even know what to do with myself, and over a woman who won’t return my texts. A woman who wants to get married and have babies. I need to find a way to get over her. Maybe I should fuck Ashley; that might help. But I can’t until I’ve talked to Vivian, not until I’ve closed that door. And who knows when that will be? I guess I’m to remain celibate until she decides to pick up her damn phone.

* * * * ** * * **

Wednesday, July 17

Eleven Days Later

My last couple of the evening walk out, leaving me in the silence of my office, the white noise from the sound machines in the hallways trickling in.

I check my phone and see I have a text from Sarah.

I texted Vivian again a week ago, asking how she was doing, and she responded withI’m ok.She didn’t proceed to ask me how I was or give me anything else. I felt it was best to leave it be and let her have her space, so I decided to text Sarah earlier, and ask about her.

Sarah:Hey Leo, I’m not gonna lie, I’ve seen her worse… but I’ve also seen her better. It’s not my place to really talk to you about her, but I will say that I know she misses you. I’m glad you reached out to me. Hope you’re doing ok too.

I take a deep breath and rub my forehead. When is she going to come back? I need her in my life, and if I can’t have her in the capacity I want her, then I need to at least have closure.

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