Page 104 of If It Can't Be Us

The way he keeps saying my full name irks me.

“I’m calm,” I say, keeping my voice steady. “I feel you’re trying to avoid this conversation.”

“Why would I be avoiding this conversation, Vivian?”

There it is again. Not Viv, not love, not babe. Just Vivian, over and over.

“Geez, I don’t know, maybe because you’re too goddamn stubborn to accept that your plans might change. You’re too scared to feel things and to tell me how you feel. God! Why won’t you just tell me how you feel?”

“It’s not that…” He pauses. “I just like things the way they are. I don’t want things to change.”

I scoff, my eyes flicking down to the counter. I force myself to make eye contact, feeling like I might throw-up.

“Oh, okay. We’ll just keep things exactly as they are for the rest of our lives… until you get bored with me. You want me to live next door, and be your neighbor who you sleep with. Maybe we’ll crash at your place sometimes, and when people ask what we are, we’ll just shrug and say, ‘Oh, I don’t know. We’re more than friends, but not boyfriend and girlfriend.’ There will be no progress, no future… we’ll just stay stuck in this stagnant limbo. No marriage, no kids, just this half-baked relationship with two separate homes and no real direction.”

Shaking my head, I blink back the tears trying to escape. I can’t believe this is what he wants—to keep me at arm’s length. “That sounds like a really great fucking plan. I’m glad you have that all figured out,” I say sarcastically.

He looks as if he’s getting choked up, but he stays silent, which frustrates me even more.

“God, why won’t you just tell me how you feel? Why can’t you fucking commit to me!” I shout, my voice cracking.

Leo stands there, his shoulders slumped, eyes darting away from mine. He opens his mouth but then closes it, his silence pissing me off even more, cutting deeper than any words.

The tears come. They stream down my face, and I feel like my heart is being ripped out and stomped on.

Just when I finally let myself feel happy, when I choose to love again, the universe picks me up and fucks me with a cactus. Just like it did with Ben and Evie.

“You know,” I say softly, my voice shaky. “For so long, I felt like I couldn’t breathe.” I pause, trying to gain my composure as the sobs come stronger. “I was gasping for breath every day… until I met you.” I look at him, and he meets my eyes with a soft, loving expression. “You put the air back into my lungs, Leo. And I will forever be grateful to you for that. But right now, it feels like I’m being put in a chokehold.”

“If you want to be boyfriend and girlfriend, then let’s do it. Be my girlfriend, okay?”

I laugh-cry. “I don’t want to be your girlfriend out of pity. I want you towantme to be your girlfriend.”

This hurts like hell. Loving Ben, and then losing him and my daughter without a say, changed me forever. Time will never heal that wound. But with Leo, I thought maybe I could be happy again, that I could love, even with the pain of loss constantly stabbing me in the heart.

At least Ben didn’t choose to leave me. I know he would have fought if he could have. But Leo? Leo’s choosing this, to not let me in, to be scared… and to let me go.

“Can you please say something? This isn’t like you not to communicate,” I plead.

“I don’t know what to say, Vivian. I tell you I like the way things are, and that’s not good enough. I tell you to be my bloody girlfriend, but you want me towantthat, and I don’t know that I do. Sothat’snot good enough for you either. This is all still new to me, and I’m doing my best. I don’t know if I ever want to get married or have kids, and I don’t know how to tell you that because I don’t want to lose you. But I know you want those things. So I just don’t fucking know what to say.”

I take a deep breath, trying to steady myself. “God, your mother really fucked you up,” I say, knowing it’s too far, hitting below the belt. He flinches, his face contorting in pain, but I need to get through to him. I grip the edge of the counter, my knuckles turning white. “You know that I would rather live one life with the love that I’ve had and lost, than live a thousand lives with no one to love. That’s not living at all.” I release the counter and step back, my voice trembling with anger. “You’re being a fucking coward. And I hope you figure out what the hell you want one day.” I turn sharply and head for the door.

“Vivian,” he calls out, moving to follow me.

I stop, my back to him as I face the door, silently pleading for him to fight for me.

He rushes to me. “Don’t leave like this, babe, please.”

I turn around, and he kisses me with a desperation that rips my heart in two. I pull away, tearing our lips apart, and when he doesn’t say anything, I look at him with all the sadness I’ve buried deep over the past couple of years.

“You’re so worried about losing me, Leo, but what you don’t understand is that by not defining this—what we have… you just lost me.” I search his eyes, my heart pounding. “People don’t date a fuck buddy forever. They don’t stick around for just that. Please be gone when I come back.” I grab the doorknob, my hand trembling, and run toward the Riverwalk, tears blurring my vision.

In the distance, I hear Leo calling my name, his voice filled with desperation, but I keep running.

* * * * ** * * * *

I come home two hours later to find Leo gone, with a note on the table.

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