Page 78 of If It Can't Be Us

I nod once more, opening my eyes.

“Let’s begin,” she says professionally.

Meredith activates the light bar for bilateral stimulation, and I follow the flashing movements with my eyes—left, right, left, right.

“What are you noticing?” Meredith asks gently.

I take a few moments, choking down the emotion that bubbles in my throat before responding. “I’m feeling a lot of anger… resentment, hurt, confusion, and sadness. I never understood why she left… I blamed myself for so long. I don’t understand why she even had all of us.”

“Stay with that, Leo. Notice where you feel it in your body. Let it come up and then let it go. You’re safe here.” I hear emotion in Meredith’s voice, a rare occurrence.

“I feel abandoned, alone. She left us because of me. She hated me, Mer. It’s my fault that my siblings didn’t have a mum.” I choke out the words, tears streaming down my cheeks. I look away, pinching the bridge of my nose, squeezing my eyes shut.

“God, Mer. I fucking hate this.”

“It’s okay. It’s just me. You don’t have to be a hero with me.”

“I have so much bloody hatred for her, but somehow I still miss the idea of her. I miss that I didn’t have a mum, even though she was shit. It’s so goddamn confusing.”

“Okay. That’s okay. Let those feelings come. You’re processing it now, letting go of the pain that’s held on to you. Keep following the movement.”

I continue to track the movement of the light bar, waves of emotion crashing over me.

“Are you noticing anything else? Anything new?” Mer asks calmly.

“I have a knot forming in my stomach. I feel nauseous. I just… don’t feel worthy of love, not from her, not from anyone. I was only ten and felt like a disappointment, like I failed my family. I couldn’t keep Chloe alive… She needed her mum, and she wasn’t there for her.” I shake my head, overwhelmed with shame. “I didn’t know how to help. I had to be everyone’s everything. Andrew and Chloe’s mum and dad.”

“Okay, this is good. Let it out.”

“Even my dad was shit. Sometimes he was good, when he was there, but he didn’t even take time off when Chloe was on her deathbed. He just went to work. No wonder my mum hated him.” The realization surprises me. I shake my head in disbelief. “I had no idea I blamed my father for so many things.”

After thirty minutes of emotional torment and being vulnerable with Meredith, she turns off the light and takes a seat next to me.

“Hey,” she says, nudging me softly with her elbow and meeting my gaze. “That was really fucking awesome of you. Great job.” She wraps an arm around me. “Are you okay?”

I pull her into me. “Yeah, I’m okay. It was cathartic, but my pride is wounded.” I playfully nudge her. “Don’t ever tell anyone about this.”

She scowls. “You know I would never! I’m offended you feel you have to remind me.”

“I know. I know you wouldn’t. You’re a great friend, Meredith,” I say, forcing a smile.

“I think you had some great self-discoveries today. How do you feel?”

I meet her gaze. “I feel… lighter.”

She smiles. “Good. That’s great. If only you’d done this ten years ago.” She takes my hand and squeezes it, and I squeeze it back.

She starts to stand, but I stop her. “Mer, what do I do about Vivian?”

A sad smile spreads across her face, and she shakes her head. “I don’t know,” she whispers.

“I’m supposed to be taking her to Paris in two months, and I keep holding out on cancelling. I don’t want to. I’m so mad at myself.I just want to be what she needs, and I wish being her friend could be enough for us both.”

Meredith stares at me intently. “Why?” she says. “Why would you want that? To only be friends when the two of you could have so much more? God, you two could be so fucking great together.”

I’m taken aback by Meredith challenging me, and she presses on.

“Sometimes, you have to take risks, Leo. I don’t know what to tell you about Vivian, but be patient, keep doing the work for yourself.” Smiling, Meredith pats my knee and gets up. “I’m kicking you out of my office now, so I can lock up and get home to my wife. You know, my person that I risked everything for.”

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