Page 76 of If It Can't Be Us

After we finish eating, I take his plate and mine to the sink, rinse them off, and set them in the dishwasher.

“Viv,” he says, prompting me to turn and look at him.

“Yeah?”

“I need to talk to you about something,” he says hesitantly, and I can’t read the look on his face.

“Okay…” I say slowly.

“It’s about New Year’s Eve.”

I straighten up, standing across the counter from him. “What about it?” I ask, a feeling of dread washing over me.

Leo rubs the back of his neck. “Look, I saw you and Brian… kissing, and it really irked me.”

I frown, bracing myself.

“That whole night had me feeling not myself. You came in, looking how you did,” he gestures to me, “and all I could think about was how stupid I was for being… well, me, the way that I am. Then Brian came over, and you two seemed to hit it off. I thought, ‘No, not Brian, anyone but Brian, flirt with anyone but him, kiss anyone but him,’ and then I saw you two kissing and, God, it sent me over the edge. I was pissed. I was jealous.” He looks down, as if he knows what he’s saying is ridiculous. Leo never struggles to make eye contact, but he’s having a hard time now. “I know he lives in London, but I need to ask you not to continue any kind of relationship with him beyond friendship.”

I’m stunned into silence. Part of me is happy because this is what I wanted—for him to be jealous, possibly realizing that he has deeper feelings for me than he lets on. The other part is filled with annoyance.

I clear my throat, setting my coffee down, and do my best to be mature about this situation. Looking directly at him, I say, “You, of all people, have no right to be upset or jealous when it comes to who I want to flirt with, date, or kiss.” I shake my head, my voice growing firmer. “The audacity…” I stumble, trying to maintain my cool. “To ask me to only be friends with Brian, when I actually have a connection with him, well, that’s some real nerve. You better have a damn good reason for that.” I lean back, crossing my arms, trying to calm the storm of emotions brewing inside me.

“I do,” he says calmly, “and it’s not something Iwantto discuss with you, but I’m trying to open up here, to be honest with you. I want you to understand it.”

He takes a deep breath, “Brian has been my best friend since I was six. We went through everything together. He was my person, and I was his. We were rebellious teenagers and did the dumbest shit together.” A small laugh escapes his lips. “Then we went to university together, where I met Rachel.” His index finger starts tapping the counter, something he does when he’s nervous. “She was my girlfriend for three years. And the onlygirlfriend I’ve ever had.” He folds his arms, but I notice he’s still tapping his finger against his bicep.

“I loved her… Bought a ring for her, wanted to get married—possibly have a family with her one day.” He swallows a few times, struggling to continue. “Around the same time, Brian’s dad died of an unexpected heart attack. He and Brian were really close, best friends. His dad was even a second father-figure to me. It was a tough time.”

He takes a sip of his cappuccino. I can tell how difficult this story is to talk about.

“Brian took to drinking, he spiraled quickly, became an alcoholic, unable to handle the situation and his emotions. He was drunk all the time.” He stares at the counter now. “He’d steal money from me, lie about where he was going, you name it—all the behaviors that alcoholics exhibit, he had them. One day, I went over to his house because I couldn’t get ahold of him, I was worried…” He trails off, going back and forth from looking at the counter to me, as the silence lingers. “I found him in his room… in bed… with Rachel.”

Holy shit.My first thought is that I can’t believe Brian would do that to him, and then I wonder how he could ever forgive him for that.

He continues, “They’d been sleeping together for three months. I kicked his ass. Literally, right there, I beat his naked ass up, something I regret to this day.” He lifts a hand and shrugs. “I don’t know… so when I saw the two of you kissing, it felt like history was about to repeat itself.” He pauses, looking dead set into my eyes. “So when I say anyone but Brian, I meananyonebut Brian.”

A heavy silence fills the kitchen, like a weight pressing down on my shoulders. I feel bad that he had to witness that, but I’m also irritated.

“Look, I’m sorry you saw us kissing. But you need to understand, I’m not your girlfriend—byyourchoice. I can see how it would bother you, given your history, but you don’t get to control who I kiss or date.” I steady my breath, looking directly at him. “It’s unfair to ask me to limit my relationships because of your past, especially when you’re not willing to date me yourself.”

Leo remains silent for a moment, his focus on the counter. I watch as he processes my words, his brows scrunched in thought.

He nods slowly, “I get it. It’s not fair for me to ask that of you. Brian’s a different person now, but the past still haunts me. I love him like a brother, and I’ve forgiven him, but seeing you with him brought back all those old fears. It’s not right for me to impose my baggage on you. I just want you to understand where I’m coming from.”

“I understand. But it feels like you always let me in a little too late.” I pause, collecting my thoughts. “Had I known this before, maybe I could have made different choices. But now, I like Brian. I have fun with him, andhewants to date me… even if it is long distance.”

I take a deep breath. “You still won’t talk about your family life with me, Leo. There aresomany things you keep locked away. I can’t keep waiting and wondering.” My fingers absently search for split ends in my hair, a nervous habit. “I think I need some space from you to figure things out… actual space. Not like what we talked about last week. I need to date without feeling like I’m betraying you or treading on your past.”

Leo’s brow furrows with concern. “Viv… don’t. Don’t shut me out, again.”

I shift uncomfortably, my fingers nervously picking at the strands of my hair. “I have to, Leo. At least for a bit.” I sigh. “This morning has been great. I was truly starting to believe that we could figure this thing out—how to be friends while keeping it platonic. But I think our friendship was doomed from the start.” I pause, meeting his gaze with a mix of sadness and resolve. “We don’t stand a chance at being in each other’s lives if you keep contradicting yourself and avoiding your inner demons.” I press my hands against the counter, seeking some physical support as I gather my thoughts. The cool surface steadies me, grounding my emotions. “You say one thing and do the complete opposite. It’s utterly exhausting, and I can’t keep riding this emotional roller coaster. It’s just not fair to me.” I swallow hard, feeling the weight of my words hang heavily in the air between us.

Leo remains silent, his jaw clenched.

“It’s simple. You either want me or you don’t. You know where I stand, so why don’t you figure out what the hell it is that youwant.” I feel tears threatening, but I blink them back. “Until then, I think we should take some time away from each other.”

Leo swallows, his face unreadable. “Is there anything I can do to change your mind?”

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