Page 71 of If It Can't Be Us

Vivian:Yeah, that works.

Leo:Okay. My friend is in town, but Mer can babysit him. I’ll see you then. And Viv, have a great week. I’m excited to see you.

I drop my phone on the bed and shut my eyes, trying to hold back the tears that are unwillingly wringing their way out. He’s excited to see me.

I don’t know what I am.

* * * * ** * * **

December 30

The fifty-five-minute journey home on the train flies by in what feels like seconds as I anxiously rack my brain for the upcoming conversation with Leo. I still have no idea what I want to say. I’m going to have to rely on my mom’s motto and trust my gut in the moment, hoping it won’t backfire.

I walk into the empty, dark house and take all my stuff upstairs. I’m exhausted and would love nothing more than to fall into my bed and let sleep take me. I haven’t slept well all week, my thoughts racing every night since I texted Leo. Shit. It’s 8:15, which only allows me fifteen minutes to pull myself together.

I look like hell, and there really isn’t enough time to do anything about it. I fix my ponytail, apply some deodorant, pat my cheeks with a little cream blush, and swipe on a natural pink lip gloss.

When Leo arrives, I open the door, gesturing for him to come in. My stomach twists in knots.

“Hey, Viv.” Leo’s lips curve into a soft smile as he steps inside.

“Hi,” is all I say, matching his smile with effort.

Walking into the living room, I sit on the chaise and turn my body toward the rest of the sofa, so I can face him as he takes the cushion next to it.

“How was Utah?” he asks.

“It was good.” I fidget with the throw pillows, trying to get comfortable. “Can we skip the semantics for now?” I ask, hoping it doesn’t sound bitchy, but I can’t do small talk until we’ve cleared the air.

“Sure. Whatever you want.” He’s being cautious, his eyes wary, and I feel on edge. He’s never seen me like this; hell, I don’t think I’ve ever seen myself like this. I’m usually easygoing, but I’ve built a fortress around myself, and I don’t know where the door is.

There’s an uncomfortable silence, a first for us.

“Okay… do you want me to go first?” he offers.

I only nod.

“Alright.” He stumbles for words, his face filled with anguish. “Christ, Viv, I never meant for any of this to happen. I’m sorry. I’ve been a mess trying to figure out what the hell I want, and honestly, I’m still unsure. But I crossed a line. I got caught up in wanting more… physically, and I let it take over.”

I’m stunned by his excuse, my face contorting in confusion. “You wanted more physically? Are you seriously going to blame what happened on your physical desires? God, that’s such bullshit, and you know it.” Wow. I can’t believe how harsh I’m being. I’m surprised by my own bluntness.

Leo’s eyes widen, and his expression shifts from sorrow to hurt. He looks down, swallowing hard, clearly taken aback by my words.

“Look, I’m sorry if that came out wrong,” I say, my voice softening but firm. “But I need honesty from you.”

“Don’t be sorry. I deserve that. And if that’s how you feel, it’s how you feel.”

“It’s not about how I feel, it’s about howyoufeel. And right now… it feels like you aren’t being honest about that.” I fixate on the pillow cushion I’m leaning against for a moment, rubbing the leather and tracing the seams, trying to figure out what to say next. Why won’t he admit that he has feelings for me?

My hand stills so that I can focus on him. “I just don’t see a clear path forward for us right now. It feels like we both want more… physically, but you keep holding back. Why is that?” I frown, feeling the weight of my own confusion. “What is it that’s stopping you from wanting to be with me? I need to understand, but I can’t unless you tell me.”

He breaks eye contact with me for the first time tonight. “It’s not that simple. I care about you a lot, but I think we need to stay friends. We just need more self-control.”

“Self-control? Are you serious?” I sink back against the cushion as I rub my temples. “Come on. You say it’s not that simple, but I know youcare for me. And after what happened, there’s no way you don’t feel the same way I do. I was there, and…” I trail off, shaking my head in frustration. “You can deny it all you want, but I won’t accept you saying it was just your physical desires taking over. Fuck that.”

“Vivian, I…” He sighs, running a hand through his hair. “Of course I care about you, and I don’t want to lose you. You’re too important to me. There are parts of my life you don’t understand.”

“How can I? You never let me in completely. You keep everything so locked and guarded. God!” I throw my hands up in frustration, my voice rising. “It’s exhausting.”

---