Page 54 of If It Can't Be Us

“For so many reasons: control—something he can choose and be in charge of, avoiding reopening old wounds, a protective mechanism to stay guarded, emotional detachment—focusing on others’ problems to avoid his own—and fear. Leo’s fully aware of why he is the way he is. In my opinion, he’s chosen this lifestyle because it protects him—it’s a coping mechanism, and that’s normal, even if it’s not always healthy. I don’t know if he’ll change, but it has to be his choice. You can’t make him. He’s been this way for a long time, and with all his education and experience, it’s definitely purposeful. Just be careful, babe, and I’m really sorry you’re going through this.”

“Well, shit. This sucks. You know, he once told me that all the women he had ever loved had either died, left him, or cheated… except that he loves Meredith, and she’s still around.”

“God, that’s sad,” she says. “I doubt that’s completely accurate, but there’s got to be some truth to it for him to say that. But remember, we are speculating here; there might not be anything going on with Leo. He may just be the way he is because he chooses it. What do you think you’re going to do?”

“I don’t know. I have to sit on this.”

“Yeah, it’s a tough call.”

“Alright, enough about me. Thanks for listening and giving me sound advice. Tell me everything that’s going on with you, and let’s talk about plans for when I’m there.”

Sarah catches me up on things with her and Ryan, and we shoot some ideas around for when I come to visit, making me all the more excited to go home.

* * * * ** * * **

I can’t breathe.

My eyes fly open, and I gasp for air, sweat clinging to my skin.Fuck. Not again. I haven’t had one of these nightmares since I moved. I deliberately take deep breaths to slow my racing heart. Squeezing my eyes tight, I try to think of anything but the car accident. I think of Leo. Since meeting him, I’ve felt lighter—he’s helped ease the constant weight I carry. I know that when I’m stressed my nightmares surface. And with all these decisions looming and second-guessing every choice I make, my anxiety is creeping back in.

I get out of bed and pace around the house, trying to shake off the tension. After an hour of aimless wandering, I end up in my office. I might as well work if I’m going to be awake anyway. I sit down and focus on the Johnsons’ blueprints—a new client I picked up about a month ago. They’re building a large home in the northern suburbs of Chicago. I work until my eyes start to close, then drag myself back to bed, falling into a deep, dreamless sleep.

Chapter 16

LEO

Sunday, December 3

I jolt awake to the sound of my phone vibrating on the nightstand. Groggily, I reach for it and squint at the screen. A message from Vivian. It’s 1:23 AM.

“What the hell?” I mutter, rubbing my eyes.

Vivian:Hey, are you asleep?

What do you think, Viv?

I consider putting my phone down, but it’s not like her to text in the middle of the night.

Leo:I was… I’m not anymore, what’s up?

Vivian:Sorry for waking you.

Vivian:I just need a distraction for a bit.

Leo:Everything okay?

Vivian:Yeah. Well, I will be… I had another nightmare. Third one this week. This one’s hitting me hard, can’t calm down… Must be stress.

Shit.

Vivian mentioned a few days ago that she has recurring nightmares. She said it had been a while since she’d had one, but they started again earlier this week, the first since she moved.

Leo:What doyou need?

Vivian:Can I come over for a bit? Need to get my mind off things.

I feel a stir next to me and glance over to see Ashley looking at me.

“What are you doing?” she asks, half asleep.

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