Page 46 of If It Can't Be Us

I walk out, praying that we didn’t just fuck everything up.

Chapter 13

VIVIAN

The Next Day—Thanksgiving

Confusion—that’s what plagued my mind last night as I lay awake, my thoughts racing in a million different directions, replaying the evening. What was I thinking, playing with fire like that? Dangling our friendship by a thread. I got up early to work, knowing sleep wouldn’t come anyway.

I’ve been sitting in my home office for hours, staring at blueprints, trying to focus but making no progress. The lines blur together as my mind drifts back to Leo and Ben. It’s Thanksgiving today, my second one without Ben. Last year, I was a complete mess, barely getting through the day. This year, I’m not around family or my long-time friends, and though I’ve had more time to heal, I’m worried about handling the emotions, especially with my conflicted feelings and thoughts about last night. It’s almost noon. I give up, leaving the blueprints on my desk to get ready for Michael and Stella’s.

I head downstairs to the parking garage to meet Leo, my thoughts spinning. What do I say? How do I act? I don’t want it to be awkward, but I can’t ignore the tension from last night. I can’t ignore the fact that I sat on Leo’s lap, grinding against him while we made out—his tongue in my mouth, his hands tracing up and down my body. A knot tightens in my stomach just thinking about it.

God, I like him so much.He’s my friend, and there’s a connection and undeniable attraction between us. But deep down, I know we don’t want the same things. Hell, was I really willing to risk everything on the slim chance that he might change his mind for me?

My thoughts linger on our brief make-out session. Wow. His lips, his hands on me, his body. He’s an incredibly good kisser. I’ve made-out with a few guys over the past year, but those encounters ended in disappointment. The emotional connection wasn’t there, or they lacked the patience I needed. Some moments were nice, but nothing compared to last night. I haven’t felt such a mix of excitement, nerves, and attraction since high school with Ben—the feeling of newness and anticipation.

I know he enjoyed it—he was hard as hell—but I can’t shake this feeling that it meant a lot more to me than it did to him. Maybe I’m just another one of his Saturday nights… except those usually end in sex for Leo. It might’ve just been kissing, but for me, it was everything. It felt so damn right, and I was so turned on, I didn’t want to stop. That’s a huge win for me. Why did he stop? Was he really afraid of ruining our friendship, or did he think I couldn’t handle more? Or was it something else? Did he think I’d reject him, and that’s why he pulled away before it went further?

“Hey, Viv.” My thoughts are interrupted as I approach Leo’s parking spot. I’ll follow his lead. He’s confident, mature, and I trust him to handle this normally. He embraces me with a hug, but doesn’t linger too long. Short and sweet,almostlike before.

We get into his BMW and head to Michael and Stella’s in Evanston. We drive in awkward silence for a few minutes before Leo clears his throat. “It doesn’t have to be awkward, Viv. We had a glass of wine, watched a movie, and made out for a bit. No big deal.”

No big deal.

Easy for him to say. Now I know how he feels about it—just another make-out.

Leo glances over at me. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Yeah, maybe later,” I say, waving it off, trying to keep my voice steady. “I’m already nervous enough with this being my first Thanksgivingaway from home. Let’s just focus on getting through today. We can talk later, maybe on the way home tonight.”

He nods, seeming to understand. “Yeah, of course. We’ll talk later.” He grabs my hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze. “I know you don’t have your usual support system, but I hope you know that I’m here for you. It’s not the same, I get that, but I’m here. If you need a break, just say the word. Do we need a code word for‘get me the hell out of here?’” A smile spreads across his face.

I smile in return. I don’t know how he does it, but he has a way of making everything better. For a brief moment, I really do feel like it’s going to be okay. “Yes, we definitely need a code word. Should it be a Thanksgiving word or something completely random?”

“A Thanksgiving word is obviously less noticeable. You know, cranberries, gravy, stuffing… or maybe we go for a random, inappropriate word like titty, dildo, boner… or bang! I know you have a special attachment to bang.”

I laugh. I can’t help it. “Oh, it’s definitely dildo!” I exclaim, keeping my tone as serious as possible. “I can’t wait to find a way to slip ‘dildo’ into the conversation at dinner.‘Stella, can you please pass the gravy? By the way, I have an incredible new dildo I just bought on Amazon. I can send the link to anyone who’s interested.’”

Leo laughs and kisses the top of my hand. “We got this, love,” he assures me, letting go of my hand and returning it to the steering wheel. And I believe him.

I change the subject, keeping it casual. “I feel bad not bringing anything for dinner.”

“Don’t worry about it. Michael’s a top chef. He’s got it covered. Your bottle of wine is more than enough.”

We pull up to Michael and Stella’s, the last to arrive. Their home is beautiful, a two-story with two front porches that wrap around either side. It’s Michael, Stella, their two kids, Stella’s parents, Meredith, and her wife, Piper, whom I haven’t met yet. Stella welcomes us inside and introduces me to her parents and Piper in the kitchen.

The kitchen is a dream. Truly designed for a chef—a culinary haven with handcrafted cabinetry, Wolf appliances, and an extra-large island with quartz countertops and backsplash. It opens up to a spacious living room with ample windows for natural light and a two-story fireplace tiled all the way up. I admire the fine craftsmanship and design, finding myself wanting a tour of the rest of the house.

Soft background music plays, mingling with the sounds of kids playing nearby and the voices in the kitchen. It smells incredible, and I can’t wait to try Michael’s take on Thanksgiving dinner. The sounds and smells remind me of home. As I look around at the faces, some new and some familiar, I realize that today is going to be fine.I’mgoing to be fine.

We’re all in the kitchen making small talk. I’m getting to know Piper, while Leo and Meredith are in a corner, deep in conversation. Stella is laughing with Michael as he oversees all the cooking that she is helping with. I instantly like Piper. I find myself laughing with her easily, as if we are old friends. It’s fun to finally meet Meredith’s other half, and I can see why they mesh so well.

After a couple of hours of socializing, appetizers, and drinks, we take our seats at the table, which has been elegantly decorated for the holiday. Our conversation is light and fun as we dish up our plates. I sit between Leo and Stella’s mother. As I spoon cranberries onto my turkey, Leo leans over and whispers, “Do you need your dildo?” he asks teasingly, drawing a smile from me.

I lean my head close to his. “I mean, always,” I retort, “but not right now.” I pat his thigh, a silent thank you for checking in on me. A surge of emotion overcomes me, and I’m suddenly worried that I might cry. It’s a mix of gratitude for him and the emptiness I’m trying to fill inside. I fight back the tears and breathe deeply, gaining control.

The rest of dinner is great. Stella’s dad is hilarious and inappropriate in the best way. He tells funny stories and dirty jokes that make her mom blush with embarrassment. I really like these people.

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