Page 78 of Steamy on Set

I don’t stop, I keep heading for the door, needing to get away. She follows behind, keeping pace as I half jog the whole way to the car, scared Errol will find me. Scared I will have to face whatever he has done.

When we reach the car, the last few minutes catch up to me. Sliding into the driver’s seat, my body begins to rock, with the sobs shattering through my core. By the time I buckle my seatbelt, I am full-on shaking as each heavy cry tears from my heart to spew from my mouth. Monty grabs my hand. She rubs soothing strokes down my back as I lean forward and press my face to the wheel.

He cheated on me. Just like with Christian, Errol and I could not survive a bump in the road. My heart cracks open as the place I made for him crumbles away into a new hole. Grated with the mistakes of the men I have loved, my heart is barely a shape anymore among all the missing parts. Tears are streaking down my face to pool in my neck. I can see their faces when the bedroom door opened.

I need to leave. I know he can find me any moment, but I can’t gather myself enough to drive. I’m falling apart, and all the pieces are collecting around me. Monty doesn’t ask any questions, she just silently holds me as I let it all out. When I’ve emptied enough that all I feel is dry and cracked, I sit back against the seat.

My pocket begins to vibrate, and I pull out my phone to see he is calling me. Hitting ignore, I finally find the strength to start the car. My mascara smears everywhere as I wipe my eyes with my hands, trying to clear my sight. With enough of me gathered that I’m half of a person, I get us home. The whole way there, he doesn’t stop calling.

Even as I pack my bags, my phone continues to ring. I know soon he’ll show up and try and explain himself, and before that happens, I need to be gone. Monty watches me run around the house gathering my things. She sits silently as I lug my bag out of my room, fully stuffed with enough to get me through the week. She doesn’t say anything as I call a cab to take me to the airport so I can go home to my parents.

It isn’t until I am about to leave that she pulls me into a hug and tells me to call her when I land. I agree, squeezing her for good measure before I step out of the house.

Once in the cab, I turn my phone off, silencing him for good. I don’t know what I need right now, but I know I can’t talk to him. The memories of the good times try to push to the front of my mind, but I push back. The only thing I’ll let play is the image of his face when that door opened.

That is all I need to remember right now. That is all that matters. The rest will just hurt me more.

I kept the tears at bay long enough to get through check-in. Now as I sit and wait for the plane, I let them silently fall as I stare off into space. I started the day off in his arms, and now I don’t know if I may ever feel him hold me again. And it all started and ended with Mira.

Chapter 29

Sunlightstreamsthroughthecurtains, raining down on my face in obnoxious demand of acknowledgement. I turn over and press into the bed, trying to get a little more sleep. As my eyelids begin to drift shut again, my phone rings with my hourly call from Errol. These attempts at reaching me start at 10 a.m. and go until about midnight. For the last three days, he has been relentless with the calls and texts. I’ve ignored them all. Hitting silence on my phone, I roll over and stare up at the ceiling.

The pain sears to life as any reminder of him brings on the heartache of not having him. I thought time and distance would subdue it, but every moment I am awake I feel the hole of wherehe used to be. Even my dreams are plagued with memories of our nights together. I fall asleep alone, only to be with him in what are now nightmares. It’s never ending. My eyes prick with the sensation of building tears that come every time I think of him.

Sitting up, I try and shake it off. I can’t though, every part of me is plagued by our history. Just a few days ago, my entire life was wrapped up in him. Even now, as those ties turn dark and harmful, it’s hard to unravel myself.

Suddenly feeling overwhelmed, I move out of the blankets. My hand comes to my chest, rubbing in circles, trying to soothe the ache there. It’s only been seventy-two hours, and I miss him already. I try to shake that feeling away. Standing, I stretch out the last of my sleep, then sit back onto my childhood bed.

I look at my phone as another text comes through. At some point I’m going to have to face him, but today doesn’t seem like that day either. Instead, I take a sip of the water on my bedside table and swallow my feelings.

It’s just like it was with Christian. We had a small problem, and he cheated and then left me. It is happening again with Errol. Except this time, I’m the one who left. This time I’m the one avoiding the conversation.

Maybe that’s what makes this so different. I’m having to process the cheating and not a break up. I have to come to terms with the choice he has given me. Christian told me I couldn’t handle making this choice for myself, that I would choose wrong. Will I do that now? What is wrong here? Can I make any choice without talking to Errol?

If we sit down and talk about it, then I have no choice but to face the fact that he hurt me. I’ll have to know that the love I thought we had wasn’t that.

My entire relationship with Christian, even the friendship, all boiled down to one disagreement. That resulted in him decidingto throw everything away. I’m trying to move past it. I really am, but if Christian, my best friend, one of the loves of my life, could do that to me, what is stopping Errol?

This entire time I have been operating on the hurt that still echoes from my past. But how could I not compare? Most of me knows he has never done anything but try and gain my trust by being open and honest, but this one part of me that is still shattered, is like a spike in my foot every time I try and step towards him.

I look up to the ceiling as I process my tumbling thoughts.

“What if he did cheat?” I speak the fear that has been pushing me this entire time.

What if he didn’t?

I try to go beyond my perceived betrayal and find out the truth. This whole time, I didn’t allow myself to consider that nothing happened. There was no alternative in my mind to the path I laid out. He cheated, and that was that.

But what if he didn’t?

If he didn’t cheat and I just ran out like this, I would be leaving him without any explanation. That would mean I didn’t believe in him enough to give him the benefit of the doubt, which is kind of messed up.

On one end, I didn’t see either of them the whole time I was at that party. On the other, I didn’t actually walk in on them doing anything. And it is Mira, she could be lying. But the lipstick.

A back and forth is created in my mind as I play with these opposing thoughts. I’m not going to get anywhere on my own, so I need to hear him out, starting with the texts and voicemails he has been leaving. I open my messenger app and look at the thirty messages from him, starting from the top

Where are you?

---