Page 61 of Steamy on Set

Shifting on my toes, I pull at my shirt, trying to make it feel right on my body again.

“Distracted?” I try to sound light-hearted about it, but my insides are twisting about in a flurry of questions and hesitations, trying to make sense of everything I’m feeling.

“Farrah, that’s not what that was.” His face looks caught between lust and concern as he watches me.

Stepping past him back towards the couch, I try to create distance between us.

“Well, whatever it was, it shouldn’t have happened.” He said it himself, he doesn’t sleep with people he works with; and I don’t even think I’m ready to do that.

Errol turns to face me, hands coming to rest on his hips, and he looks ready to do what we do best; argue. The silence is interrupted by his radio going off as someone calls for him to return to the set. Picking it up, he doesn’t break eye contact as he leans into the speaker.

“I’m coming,” he says, and like the freak I am, I imagine him saying those words in a different context.

Shaking my head, I try to clear that thought, along with all the others clouding my brain about him. When he doesn’t turn to go right away, even more join the fray as he looks down at me, that same fire sparking in his eyes again.

“Can we talk about this more?” He steps toward me instead of the door.

I nod, knowing we’ll have to, all while hating that fact. He turns to leave, looking over his shoulder once more, then he opens the door and walks out.

Sliding back onto the sofa, I try to make sense of the feelings rising inside of me. Part of me feels hopeful, while the rest feels dread when I think about what we just did. We kissed.Why? What does it mean?With every reason to never cross that line, we just hopped right over it.

He is the director. He is my friend. He is the person I said I would never sleep with. Now, he may or may not be the best first kiss of my life. First and last, if my brain has anything to say about it. Sitting in my own juices produced by his touch, I know that my brain isn’t the only thing capable of controlling me. While packing up to go for the day, I wonder what he’s thinking.

This question plagues me even as I step out of the shower, freshly washed and touched. I thought I would have been done wondering about Errol after I brought myself to orgasm three times with the shower head, yet thoughts of him stay on repeat even after I get dressed.

Walking into the livingroom, I look for Monty to help me make sense of it all.

Finding her in the kitchen chugging down green sludge, I wait for her to finish the cup.

“What is that?” I slide into a seat at the kitchen table.

“It’s a juice cleanse. I’m trying to reset my body from all the junk I consumed this past weekend.”

I try to understand her commitment to healthy living when the smell of wheatgrass and mint waft from the cup, reminding me of outside.

“Um, nice.”

Finishing up, she joins me at the table, grabbing the deck of cards we keep there. She sits and deals out a game of Canasta, staring me down.

“Come on, say what’s on your mind.”

Not even bothering to act like I came for anything else, I dive into the details of what happened. Telling her everything, from the way he looked to what we were talking about before it happened.

“I just don’t know what to do. Clearly, we can’t keep on like this. It will look really bad if people find out, and I have yet to see him fully date someone. He doesn’t even date staff, so I’m sure he regrets it. Plus, I don’t know if I can date someone right now. All of it spells out: bad, bad, bad.” I conclude.

Playing my opening hand in the game, I lay out my cards both figuratively and actually.

Putting her cards to the side, Monty stops playing and looks at me.

“Do you like him? That is the only thing you should be asking yourself right now. The rest can wait.”

Did I? What do I know about Errol? A lot now, honestly. I know what shapes him, what drives him, what keeps him up at night. I even know the minuscule details about him, like his favorite color and how he takes his coffee. The big stuff that defines him stand out clear to me, from the way he is patient, kind and thoughtful, to the things he values most in life. In so many ways, it seems I do know him very well, and I like all of it.

I try to keep the accompanying smile at bay, while I share this all with her.

“Good. Now what are you going to do about it?”

I think back to every moment Errol and I have shared and realize there has been a spark there since the start. I have always felt strongly for him in some way, first negatively and now like this. Will that be enough? Am I okay with just having a fling withhim? Or do I want more? Can I handle more after Christian? Should I risk this good place we’re in now for the possibility of something that could really fail?

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