Page 41 of Steamy on Set

“So you cheated because you thought we were over anyway? I don’t get it.” I throw my hands up and sigh.

“I wasn’t thinking; I was just reacting. I was scared and upset, and I hit my self-destruct button.” His eyes are distant as that night replays for him.

I stare into them, wanting to see what he saw, feel how he felt in that moment. With his past, I know how close his fingers always were to that switch. I just never thought it would apply to us.

This one little fight was enough to rock the foundation of our relationship to the point of it crumbling. One disagreement, and he threw it all out the window.

He cheated, because that seemed better than facing the possibility of us failing on our own. At least this way he knew it wouldn’t work out.

“So all it took was one fight for you to call it quits?”

He looks up suddenly, as if my words pulled his head in my direction. I wait for the protest that sits clearly on his mouth. But as the seconds click on, all he can offer me is a lift of his shoulder, shrugging off my words.

“You aren’t going to like what I have to say.” He shifts in his seat.

I move a little closer, his words growing quieter as he carves them out from inside himself. Scraping together the remnants of an excuse, he lets me have it.

“I cheated because I don’t deserve you.” Barely above a whisper, the words still come out with such conviction that I reel back, pushed by the force of his belief in them. With the set of his jaw, he looks up at me, relaying this thought even with his stare.

“Wasn’t that for me to decide?” I ask as two parts of me go to war. The friend, the one who knows every story of every person who made him believe that about himself, wants to sooth this thought away. The woman, who broke at this betrayal and has slowly been picking up the pieces, wants him to forever think it’s true. Both wanted him to come to them before making the choices he did.

“I don’t deserve you,” he says again, disregarding the fact that I had chosen him. That I had thought him worthy.

Standing, annoyance pushes my legs into motion, and I pace around the room, tangling my hands in my hair, pulling at the roots.

“So you cheated on me because you were scared I deserved better? Is this some fucked up self-fulfilling prophecy?”

He stands too, coming over to grab my arms, forcing my hands into his.

“I let myself fall prey to my worst instincts, because I knew we weren’t going to work out anyway. I couldn’t give you what you needed.”

“Who are you to tell me what I need?” I yell.

“The man who knows you better than anyone else. I know I wouldn’t have been able to be the man you deserved, and you would have kept trying for my benefit.”

Shaking my head, I pull out of his grasp. Taking a step back, I try to put distance between his assumptions and me. One fight. One small fight, and he walked away with this deep belief that he wasn’t right for me. All it took was one misunderstanding.

I’d known that he has never let any woman get close to him in a relationship. He always avoided their love and affection. The damage of his past was too much to overcome, as he battled with the heavy belief that he wasn’t good enough. Not only is he telling me he isn’t, he took the extra measure of showing me.

“Why couldn’t you just try? Why did you have to destroy us before we ever had a chance?”

“It was the only option I could see at the time,” he says, hands thrown wide open. “It was the only out I could see. No matter how much I showed you I didn’t deserve you, you would have stayed.”

“Is that why you broke up with me? Because you thought I would have kept trying with you?”

He nods, and my world explodes. For months I have been toiling away, waiting for these answers, and he refused to give them because he thought I would take him back. Because he thought I would keep fighting.

“I would have never stayed with you!” I scream, unable to fathom how weak he thinks I am.

He stares me down, eyes lined with determination to make me see where he is coming from. I take a deep breath, trying to calm the rapid pace of my heart.

“I wouldn’t have chosen you over me, no matter how much it hurt.” My voice cracks more from heartbreak than rage.

“I know you, Farrah. I know how kind and understanding you are. You wouldn’t have given up on me, and I never deserved you.”

The words are quiet, but they ring loudly through my heart as they settle in the soft spot reserved for him. I push the urge to comfort him to the side as I do what I need to in this moment.

“So that’s it then? You cheated and then walked out of my life because you thought you were doing what was best for me, not even allowing me a conversation? Well, you were wrong. I wouldn’t have taken you back. I would have moved on from you if you just gave me the closure I deserved. But here we are having the conversation months later. So what now?”

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