Page 9 of Defender

“I’m thankful I’m alive, but I don’t know. I have to look at my mom every day and she’s so sad. I think the thing with my dad messed her up beyond all repair. She clings to me now. Mornings, she insists I stop in for breakfast, and she drops by for dinner most nights.” I laugh under my breath. “She’s probably got a search team out for me right now.”

“You don’t owe her anything, honeybee.” He lands his giant, calloused hand on my cheek and turns toward me. “I don’t know exactly how you feel, but I have an idea. I’ve been back from the desert for three years now and I spend so much time wondering how each different decision could have changed so many lives. There’s so much weight to survivor’s guilt.”

My eyes cautiously flick up to his. “That has to be tough, Gunner.”

“I like to think I’m figuring it out, but just like you, I have to find something to live for that maximizes the time I’ve been given. When I left the service, I planned to run a little fishing charter. I thought I’d be the guy entertaining tourists with war stories and tips on catching pike and trout while we puttered around a lake on a sunny morning. Instead, I keep myself hidden in the woods, afraid to make any real connections. Hell, if I’m being honest, part of me pushed you away earlier because I don’t know how to act now that you’re real.” He sighs and brushes his hand down over his beard. “What I’m trying to say is that we’rehere for a reason, you and I, and that means something. We owe it to the people who lost their lives to keep going.”

I nod slightly and stare toward him for a long minute before he pulls me against his chest and kisses the top of my head. “You’re beautiful, inside and out.”

I want to believe him, I really do, but how? How do I believe something that isn’t true? How do I believe something I wholeheartedly feel is a lie? “It’s not true, though. I’m not beautiful. I’m overweight, I’m missing a leg, my hair is dry, my eyes are—”

“Hold on… don’t talk about yourself like that.” He grips my chin in his massive hand and draws my gaze to him, his voice low and gruff as he says, “Look at me. I could go on and on about how gorgeous you are. The way I admired your hair in the shining sun earlier, the way I studied your body bending down every chance I got, the way your eyes look when you’re staring up at me. It’s obvious to me that you’re stunning… but what good does that do? You’re more than the way you look. You’re full of strength and fire. You’re a woman who’s fought her own wars. A woman filled with passion and love, and, if I’m honest, I’ve been falling in love with that woman for months now.”

I stare up at him, unsure what to think or feel. I don’t usually believe compliments, but his words were more real than anything I’ve ever heard.

“I’ve been falling in love with you too, Gunner.” My heart swells and I fall against his chest hard and fast, unable to hold tears back as they soak his shirt. “None of this bothers you? Not the leg or the age gap or the virgin thing? It’s a lot.”

He brushes back a strand of my damp hair, his hand lingering on my face. “I want to be your first, your last, your everything. I want to fill you up with babies, and make you scream out my name because you’re you. I don’t claim to think our age gap won’t make things difficult at times, but losing youtoday, even for a few hours, was too much. I never want that pain again, honeybee.”

A smile lifts onto my face unexpectedly. “I’m kind of liking the honeybee thing.”

“Yeah? I figured it was fitting due to the whole swarm fiasco earlier.” He laughs with me, and for a moment, I feel like my life is on the right track. “What happened, anyway?”

“Oh, I was picking flowers near the shore to set next to the mining shed and—” My phone buzzes in my back pocket again. This time it’s incessant. “I should probably check that. If it’s my mother, she’s going to lose it if I don’t respond.”

Gunner nods and I check the screen. I’ve only missed twenty-one calls and forty-one messages. That’s nothing. I pull down on the menu to read the most recent. They’re from Nora.

Nora:Your mom is looking for you. They took her to the emergency room.

Nora:Your mom is freaking out. I told her I’d find you.

Nora:She says it’s her heart. You need to get out here.

Nora:Where are you?

My heart tightens as I stare down at the screen. This is my punishment, the universe telling me I have no right to move on. No right to feel anything. No right to leave my mother without a partner while I run off to have sexy times in a lake with a much older man.How else would someone explain the timing of all this?

“What’s wrong?” Gunner sounds concerned, and I appreciate him more and more every second, but I have no idea how any of this works in reality. I’m too messed up. My life is a wreck.

“Can you take me to the emergency room? My mom is down there. Something is going on with her heart. My friend just texted me.” I speak while typing a message to Nora.

“Of course. We’ll be there in ten minutes.” He pulls me close to his chest, and though his body feels like a comfort I’ve never felt in my life, I wonder if any of this will matter in the morning.

Chapter Six

Gunner

I’m not well versed on emotions, but having spent twenty-five years in the military, I’m incredibly knowledgeable about medical triage. This thing with her mother is not an emergency event.

“Mom, are you okay?” Zoe rushes to her mother’s side, gripping her hand in hers. “I got here as fast as I could.”

“Who is this?” She looks past Zoe to dart me a death stare that would stop an elephant. Thankfully, I’ve seen enough of them in my life to not be affected by hers. I’m not sure if it’s my age or the fact I just had my fingers inside of her daughter, but she is definitely letting me know she fucking hates me.

Good Lord, this is going to be weird.

“Oh,” Zoe stands straight and glances back toward me, “we can talk about that later. Your heart is what’s important right now.”

I glance toward the monitor to see that her blood pressure is a perfect one hundred and twenty over eighty, her heart rate is seventy-two, and though I’m not a doctor, she didn’t look to be in any distress when we arrived. In fact, she was watching something on her phone, laughing hysterically. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think she was trying to manipulate Zoe.

---